So I haven't had a great life, I was abused physically and emotionally by my stepdad, my real dad doesn't want to know me, my 'friends' are constantly putting me down and talk behind my back. My personality is really mixed, and I may have slight Bipolar, but I could deal with that by doing things, listening to music, drawing etc.
But now, this is going to sound very teenager typical, and you might think that it's just me being melodramatic, but a boy practically ripped my heart out. I'm in love with him, and he was too, but it wasn't to be as he grew apart from me and said he'd rather be friends in the end. He's not horrible or mean, he's the kindest person I've met in my ENTIRE life, but it hurts to see him around with his other GFs in school.
I constantly think of him, it's like he's everywhere I look. I sound obsessed, but I've never felt this way about someone before. I've started self harming again after a few years of stopping, because it's the only way I can think of anything else. When I see him, I dig my nails into my arm and the pain helps me focus, but I know this isn't healthy. He saw my scars the other day and told me that he would help me any way he could, but it won't help because he's the reason I'm cutting! I used to be able to control this, but it's like a tug that I feel towards him, and I cut to get away from him.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, HELP. I don't want to cut, I don't want to cause myself pain, but its the only thing that keeps me from completely breaking down. I've told a few good friends, but they're at a loss, they just try and stop me cutting, not the problem. So I need the help of people here. Anybody know how I can forget him, or atleast transfer my selfharm to something else?!
I really empathise with your situation, I felt the same way about a girl. I would think of her nearly every moment of the day. You can get rid of those feelings though, I still admire the girl, but I don't feel as obsessed. It helps if you can find other ways to divert your attention then self-harm, as using self-harm to divert your mind from mental pain only makes the emotions worse. I never cut, but I have used marijuana and alcohol over the last few years to numb myself to the pain, when I stopped using those I found I had intense pain to deal with. The good news though is that you can get through it. It might seem tough, and it does help to speak to psychiatrist, or a school councillor. At first it seemed awkward expressing my feelings to a councellor, but in the long run in helped me think more logically. It helps if you try to focus on other things you enjoy, I doubt you'll be able to shake the thoughts of him instantly, but as you divert your focus into other life goals it can help.
I've heard love can feel like a drug, and I totally believe that, love is a strange feeling stronger then any drug I've had. But it's better to use it as a lesson to improve your own life, rather then to harm yourself with despair. When I think of the girl I care about, I try to use the aspects I like about her, that she's kind, empathetic towards others, always happy despite having a hard life, ect, to inspire myself. Rather then feel self pity for not being with her, I try to feel lucky for just being able to know her. I hope you don't feel I'm being critical of you, because I understand your situation. I understand how easy it is to turn to self-harm to block mental pain. Just please, be gentle with yourself, and ask for help when you need it.
Edit: Reading the part about your family back ground, I feel that may also be related. I also came from a dysfunctional family which also contributed to my drug use. Try not to let what your friends say or do get you down. I recently learned that what people think doesn't matter, I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. If other people don't like you, it's their problem. Not yours. I only speak to 2 people in my family these days, as the rest of my family don't want to know me, whilst I've seen a lot of tradgedy, I try to refocus it to see that there is good in this world as well. I've also witnessed a natural disaster in which people I know died, an old friend who I hadn't talked to in years killed himself through drug use and 2 weeks ago I found out my father molested my sister. Despite all this, I don't want to let it get me back to my old pessimistic self. I'm not trying to tell you my problems to say that what you've been through has any less meaning, and I'm not trying to act superior or anything, I just think sharing my experience might make it easier to convey how you can improve your own life. I really wish you all the best, I know that you're not a bad person and you shouldn't think less of yourself for your past.
To transfer your self harm to something more positive, you have to first deal with the pain that causes you to harm yourself. It's not easy, but worth it in the long run, to get through this I began listening to lots of music, took up guitar, started drawing, saw friends more and challenged myself at school (taking hard subjects like physics, chemistry and spanish as an extra) despite actually hating school lol. I set myself lots of goals to achieve so I'd have something positive to focus on, taking up excercise regularly is a great way to relieve depression and helps you feel more in control. You don't have to go crazy and set heaps of goals like I did, I just found that when I had a lot to focus on, I didn't feel the need to worry so much about what got me depressed.
The things I've found most effective was music and excercise, as in both of those activities I was able to think less about my own life, and just enjoy myself.