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ladyjenova · 01-29-2011, 05:20 PM

Recently had a little slip. Had promised my husband years ago when we had kids that I would stop SI-ing and have only had a few slips since then. I am honestly surprised I have done as well as I have since I am also battling anorexia and have a lot of stress in my life. I made a really bad burn a 'smiley' with a lighter on my forearm. i was really upset because i didnt hear the bus honk because i had music on and cleaning my house. so the bus took him back to the school and called our cell phone and my husband had to go pick him up. I felt like such a bad mother at the time and a lot of stuff had been going wrong and I was smoking a cigarette and just did it. The thought process was that it was a way I could always remember my son. I have done SI before to remember certain things. I dont use it as an excuse just as a way to try and help people understand my thought process behind my actions. I feel really bad about it and ever since Ive wanted to do more. Ive fought the urges and I think Ill hold out ok I guess I just felt the need to kinda vent and let the truth be known even if in cyber space.

thank you for listening.
Jenova

slenderella · 01-29-2011, 06:49 PM

Jenova I'm so glad that you posted here. Personally, I don't think that you burned yourself so that you could remember your son. I'm sure you love him and just because you didn't hear the bus doesn't mean you're a bad mom, and it doesn't mean you have to punish yourself. I am no therapist but I feel that anorexia is a wish to take up as little room as possible, as a person. You sound as if you felt very ashamed and totally overwhelmed.
Hugs to you, Jenova. Please don't make hurting yourself a habit. If there is any way you can receive some local help, what a gift that would be to your child and your husband and especially yourself.

God bless you, Sue

Ambler · 04-11-2011, 04:05 PM

I'll willingly admit that I've also used memories of pain to remember things. I understand that perspective (and have actually found it relatively effective - but only when I can see the specific scar). Although I agree with the poster above who suggested people like you and I who self injury to enhance memory are simply punishing ourselves as repentance for guilty feelings.

I guess the important thing to remember is that accidents happen. Clearly you care about your son. Something to consider: it sounds like you felt so bad that you'd never forget him again even if you hadn't self injured.

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