Is there anyone else out there whose cutting isn't about pain, but about watching yourself bleed?
It's not about pain with me.
I'm over 40 and have a complicated medical and mental health medical history. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was in remission for 4 years and recently slipped. I am working with them to get back on track.
Am I the only one who does this?
Last edited by UnseenWanting; 05-26-2011 at 06:31 PM.
Nope I'm more about the blood as well. It's soothing. I'm going on 6 months SI free. Congrats on the 4 years!!!! Relapses happen. There isn't recovery with out them =/ stay strong and remember, your not the only one who does it for the blood.
The Following User Says Thank You to keshep49 For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-27-2011)
I'm about the blood as well....I never feel the cuts their just minor nuisances, but watching the blood drain out of my body into the bathwater...it's like watching all of the fear, hurt, pain, confusion, suffereing draining out of my body. It's why I always cut in a very hot bath because it makes the cuts bleed much more. It feels like I get so much of the crap our of my head.
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-31-2011)
It's exactly the same for me, too. The hot bath and everything.
It really helps to know that there are other people out there.
My psychiatrist has been intrigued, but hasn't come across anyone else in her practice who experiences the same catharsis--and it's the catharsis is the problem because it's immediate. Is it the same for you?
Part of the ritual is a "game" of making the smallest possible incision to get the maximum bleeding. Has a doctor/therapist had any answers about why a "visual" triggers an endorphin-like release when there is no actual pain involved in the act? Doctors have been vague, and I really want to understand why.
I agree, the pain is completely inconsequential. I have daily chronic and acute pain issues, as well--so maybe that's a factor?
Anyone have blood transfusions from a chronic pattern of behavior?
I think the pdocs don't talk much about the cuts or give them much atention because they think if they don't, we'll stop....but it doesn't work that way. It runs along the same lines as not paying attention to a small childs temper tantrums, so that they'll stop the behavior....
My pdoc rarely talks about my cuts except to keep track of when I "slip". I've been almost cut free since 12-15-09, had 4 or 5 slip ups, but I don't think it ever really goes away, well for some of us anyway. Prior to that I had a 2 yr stint of hell, cutting everyday, had to get a total of 78 stitches in like a 6 mo. period, 2 inpatient stays, and 2 rounds of ECT, along with bi-weekly psychologist visits and weekly psychiatrist visits....my life was just great. Oh yeah, i'm Bi-Polar also and also a Chronic Pain Patient...so all of it gets mixed together at times. But for the last yr and a half I've done pretty well. The craving is still there, but it's easier to fight, easier to think of other ways to get the pain/hurt out. And as for the blood thing, I have a low clotting factor, so I bleed alot easily, docs say it's been caused by the cutting for 30 some odd years. I've had to have several blood transfusions after surgeries and such, but none just from a cutting incident.
kat
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-27-2011)
yes! It does not hurt me when i cut.... It is about the blood and doing something to myself no one else can do.... But, when i get cut on accident -even a paper cut, it hurts. You are not alone. And i do not just cut once, when i start, it is hard for me to stop, it is like i have to do it enough until i am satisfied? Are you this way? or anyone else reading?
The Following User Says Thank You to ghelpmelivelife For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-27-2011)
Yep once again, we share alot. If I cut it's never once....it's like once I start I can't stop....it turns into my usual little ritual....right arm, right leg, left arm, left leg.....once is never enough.
kat
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-31-2011)
yes! It does not hurt me when i cut.... It is about the blood and doing something to myself no one else can do.... But, when i get cut on accident -even a paper cut, it hurts. You are not alone. And i do not just cut once, when i start, it is hard for me to stop, it is like i have to do it enough until i am satisfied? Are you this way? or anyone else reading?
Oh most def. One is never enough. shoot, 2..3...4....5....6....24....isn't even enough =/ I stop when I get physically tired.
Its both for me. When I cut, I feel the pain but what keeps me cutting is the blood...if thay makes any sense. And I'm the same way about not being able to stop once I start. Most of the time, I can't do less than twenty.
The Following User Says Thank You to nomeatforme63 For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-31-2011)
For me, it's always one cut, not several. I make one incision-like cut over a large superficial vein (top of hand, etc). I can cover it with a transparent band aid and it's hardly noticeable.
This way I can reopen it for a while every day. I "binge" bleed...always in a hot bath.
I'm also bulimic and a binge eater (not to mention ptsd, bi-polar 2 w/major anxiety disorder, etc.)
Anyone care to share their Dx, please? I'm hoping there's someone out there as crazy as I am.
For me, it's always one cut, not several. I make one incision-like cut over a large superficial vein (top of hand, etc). I can cover it with a transparent band aid and it's hardly noticeable.
This way I can reopen it for a while every day. I "binge" bleed...always in a hot bath.
I'm also bulimic and a binge eater (not to mention ptsd, bi-polar 2 w/major anxiety disorder, etc.)
Anyone care to share their Dx, please? I'm hoping there's someone out there as crazy as I am.
I'm just as crazy. I've been diagnosed with bi-polar manic, anxiety with hyperventilation syndrome, PTSD, OCD, depression and BPD. Been admitted to psych ward 10 times since sept. 09 and my last hospitalization was 12/24/10. suicide attempts/cutting etc. I am also an alcoholic. So don't feel so alone
Well I'm BiPolar w/Severe Suicidal Depression, A Chronic Pain patient who is dependant on narcotics daily so that i can walk, been a self harmer since I was 13....pretty screwed up...you're not the only one hon!
kat
The Following User Says Thank You to katlin09 For This Useful Post: UnseenWanting (05-31-2011)
It really, really helps to know I'm not alone and there are others out there who REALLY understand what a daily struggle it is to deal with.
If you don't mind, I have another question...
I saw it mentioned, but how many people have had ECT? What was your experience?
I had ECT about 11 years ago (12 of 16 scheduled treatments). I did the first one in-patient and the rest outpatient. They stopped when I became more suicidal.
And despite what the pdocs said, it messed with my memory for YEARS afterwards. >=[
From my experience, I tend to agree with the "naysayers" who consider it an "internal head injury".
I was known for having really great memory before ECT, but for roughly 5 years afterwards dates are "fuzzy"--like lost time.
I've had several surgeries during that time and I couldn't tell you what years they took place.
Also, my sense of humor became very flatline. I used to be "quick" with a come back, but I've only really started recovering that for roughly the last five years. Still not the same as before.
I can only remember what year I had ECT because it was 2000.
It really, really helps to know I'm not alone and there are others out there who REALLY understand what a daily struggle it is to deal with.
If you don't mind, I have another question...
I saw it mentioned, but how many people have had ECT? What was your experience?
I had ECT about 11 years ago (12 of 16 scheduled treatments). I did the first one in-patient and the rest outpatient. They stopped when I became more suicidal.
And despite what the pdocs said, it messed with my memory for YEARS afterwards. >=[
From my experience, I tend to agree with the "naysayers" who consider it an "internal head injury".
I was known for having really great memory before ECT, but for roughly 5 years afterwards dates are "fuzzy"--like lost time.
I've had several surgeries during that time and I couldn't tell you what years they took place.
Also, my sense of humor became very flatline. I used to be "quick" with a come back, but I've only really started recovering that for roughly the last five years. Still not the same as before.
I can only remember what year I had ECT because it was 2000.
I know several people who SWEAR by it.
Thoughts, anyone?
I never had ECT and I'm glad. That's one thing I would never consider. It's purpose os to create a brief seizure, which I'n my opinion isn't necessary for anything!
I've had ECT, 2 Sessions with no complications or side effects. I am BiPolar with Severe Suicidal Depression and the ECT helped greatly with the cutting and the suicidile issues. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if things got too bad.
Sometimes its the pain for me, sometimes its the blood. I was a year and a half SI free, and the most recent time I burned first, but it wasn't enough until I cut and saw the blood.
Also, thank you so much for this post, it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one that struggles just as much with the recovery part of this as I did when I was doing it daily.
You are definitely not alone in this....we all battle it, hate it, love it, wish we could kick it...that myriad of feelings that comes with this particular disorder. And we're all here to give support when someone needs it. Stay strong and take care.
Sometimes its the pain for me, sometimes its the blood. I was a year and a half SI free, and the most recent time I burned first, but it wasn't enough until I cut and saw the blood.
Also, thank you so much for this post, it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one that struggles just as much with the recovery part of this as I did when I was doing it daily.
Def. not alone in this. If you ever need/want to talk, I am here. tc
Cutting vs Bleeding ( 
