I can't tell if I'm just stressed or if I'm mildly bipolar (cyclothymia).
After thanksgiving (approximately, in hindsight) I began hanging out with this guy I met (he was fun to talk to and understood my views on the world...) we hung out one night until about 2 am and then I went back a couple days later and made out... like, I went farther faster than ever before with any guy and it just continued like that, multiple times a week until late January when I ended it because I realized I'd been fairly depressed. I was usually fairly down and in a weird funk... I think I was having a hard time controlling my cutting as well (which I've been doing off and on for about 3 years, when I broke off my engagement to my 4-year boyfriend). I'd been in these funks and then it would seem as though I was coming out of them and I'd have a good day and then fall back down again... by far my worst winter (this was my first year out of college). I always got my work done at my job, but always at the last minute with lots of sitting around and times of real bad irritability. And then it lifted (the guy I've been crushing on for 2 years finally admitted he'd felt the same way for about 1 year... neither of us had said anything until then) in January (right around my birthday at the end of the month. So I was doing pretty good and I was pretty happy. At that point the last time I'd cut was mid-january... unfortunately, I can't even remember why. And February was a great month. I felt good/normal and was really getting my relationship with God on track. Around mid march I began fluctuating more frequently between being angry or in that low funk or really productive and happy.
I hated my job and couldn't get any work done, I would have horrible/negative narratives in my head about the people around me and the cussing got worse and worse (mostly I contained it inside my head). And then I'd wake up and feel fine. At this point I was actively preparing myself for a move 12 hours away to where I had/have no friends or just... just a church to welcome me (but I don't know anyone but the pastor)... so that was/is fairly stressful. At the beginning of April I was feeling a little better and was feeling really good about my not cutting because I hadn't since January and I had this great conversation with God about how I didn't need to do that and I'm beautiful and all that which was really awesome.
So basically, for the past year I've really been wondering if I'm bipolar of some sort... through my information binges (usually happens after I get completely out of control and realize what's happening) (also a friend of mine has cyclothymia and so I've been able to talk with her some in the past)... oops. through my info binges, I've narrowed it down to probably cyclothymia (I don't THINK it's I or II) and probably rapid cycling, mixed episodes... blah blah blah. my info binge last night also consisted of looking of therapists/etc in the are but they all kind of seemed like douches...
someone help me out? am I just a drama queen? is it just stress?
So I just read over this and realized some key info was lost in an admin edit because of language (sorry)
I don't know if it's even worth it to fix this, but the month of may and beginning of june have been horrible and late may I started cutting again even though I thought maybe I was done and my mood have been all over the place from really mad and irritable, to find, to crying and depressed to really energetic and productive to moods I hardly even know how to explain. and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. it drives me crazy. today I feel mostly normal though I'm feeling a sadness set in...
just looking for advice I guess
Last edited by Kfaith; 06-19-2011 at 10:40 AM.
Reason: lost info