I'm new to this kind of thing so I figured I would tell everyone alittle about my issues with SI.
I can't even remember when it started but I know I was really little. I would get this sudden surge of anger, sadness, and this weird feeling of pressure building up inside me. (haha I can actually feel it now as I write about it) Eventually it would build up into this overpowering need to hurt someone or something, until I couldn't hold it in.
I would lash out at my family in screaming fits and end up throwing things at my walls or slamming my head into my pillow. It hardly helped. I only felt the least bit better when crying and clawing at my arms and legs and punching my thighs, even slamming my face into walls. Eventually that turned into stabbing my self with pencils and pins, which turned into ripping up my skin. Eventually I turned to cutting myself.
I only admitted it to myself a few weeks ago. I'm not sure I could stop even if I wanted to. I feel so good afterwards (the only way to make the pressure go away completely.) and it's the only way I can control those feelings.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I've been resisting the urge to cut as often as I can. I've never told anyone about this, but it feels good to get this out.
Thanks for listening.
The following user gives a hug of support to DoubleEdgedLife: Phoenix (07-14-2011)
I would get this sudden surge of anger, sadness, and this weird feeling of pressure building up inside me. ( I can actually feel it now as I write about it) Eventually it would build up into this overpowering need to hurt someone or something, until I couldn't hold it in.
I only admitted it to myself a few weeks ago. I'm not sure I could stop even if I wanted to.
it's the only way I can control those feelings.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
I've never told anyone about this, but it feels good to get this out.
Your ability to identify the onset and admitting that there is a problem are key elements in the process of recovery.
Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?
I want you to know that you can release your burdens here,without the worry of being judged.
I see a therapist regularly. I am just too embarassed to let her know. I worry that my parents will find out.
I've been hiding it for so long. I just don't want to screw up my life, or my families life. On a more selfish note, I feel like if I stop I won't feel better anymore.
I've helped one friend quit, she's been cut free for 2 years, and I've been talking 2 other friends through quitting. I don't know what would happen if they ever found out. I feel like such a hypocrite.
It's nice to be able to tell someone about this. I don't feel like it's such a huge secret, and I'm glad someone would be willing to help.
Thank you so much. I can't believe how good it feels to just get it out there. I've made up my mind. Starting today I'm going to work on quitting. I have one very good friend who as I mentioned before, is struggling with the same thing. I'm considering telling him. I feel like maybe quitting with someone would be better motivation.
The funny part is, until I switched to razor blades I never felt like a 'cutter' even when I needed to exscuse myself from class to cut.
Do you know of any stratagies that could help? Or maybe anyone who does?
Thank you for all the help, reading others posts have helped me realise I'm not alone in this.
Double Edged Life
Last edited by DoubleEdgedLife; 06-27-2011 at 10:29 PM.
Hi....I'm Jenny and I have been a self-injurer for most of my almost 60 years. If I may give say a couple of things.
I have yet to meet a self-injurer who wasn't abused as a child, even if you don't remember it. And abuse can be something like being in the hospital for a long and serious illness/injury. Medical treatment is abusive to the body and mind of a child.
2 years without cutting is not a cure. It is a remission. I've gone for many years with out hurting and then find myself, when in intense anger, resorting to hurting myself all over again.
Self-injury can be all sorts of things, not just cutting. And many have multiple things they do..cutting, hitting hard things, burning, pulling out of hair/eyelashes/eyebrows, breaking one's own bones, self-inflicted head injuries.....the list is endless and I've done all of the above at one time or another.
You have a choice in treatment. You can work on suppressing the urge and learning other methods of getting out the anger or you can work on why you are so angry in the first place. I did the first for many, many years only to find I am slugging walls at age 59 and now, am working on finding the reason. I've already found it...now to deal with it. The urge to self injure is finally going away.
SI is very common and in some cultures, even accepted so it is something we humans do resort to. But here in western culture, it is a symptom and needs to be recognized.
I urge you to tell your therapist. No one can help you if you are not 100% honest. You might as well quit and save the money if you aren't honest. SI is a symptom of your problems and is as important as anything else in your past or present. And it may help the therapist figure out what is wrong. As I said, I have yet to meet anyone who does SI and wasn't abused in some way. It is a frequent accompaniment to PTSD and BPD(and BPD is often from abuse as well).
Please tell then you can decide which way you want to proceed, management or going after the reason. Management helps most but for someone like me who was abused almost to death, it takes the long road of digging out the past to the last detail.