Hi all. This is my first time ever posting on this board, and I'm looking for advice, and begging you all not to judge me.
So, I used to have a bad cutting problem. I have been hospitalized three times for cutting and/or suicide attempts, and eventually got help and started feeling a lot better with time and a concoction of different medications. Of course, as I had been hospitalized for it, my mother knew about my cutting.
But she also thinks I've stopped, and I had stopped for a very long time. Or at least, I hadn't done anything but maybe a few here and there for the longest time. But tonight I lost control, and couldn't help myself, and there's no way to hide them. I know I have to face my mother finding out, as it's about 109 degrees here during the day and there's no way I can wear long sleeves, or a bandaid, because she would find that way too obvious. I don't want my mom thinking I'm going downhill again, because I'm not. I merely had a slip up.
So basically, what it boils down to, is that I want to tell her myself before she notices. But what do I say? It's not an easy thing to tell someone, and I'm shy about talking to her as it is..
Relapses or slips are a part of recovery. They do not matter. What does matter is realizing the behavior is not healthy and going back to a life without self harm. Basically falling off the horse and having the courage to get back on. Our loved ones are pained when they see self harm but they will support you especially if you are trying to get well
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
You are incredibly right, talking about cutting ourselves to anyone is very very hard. But you are so on the right track, the fact that you recognize this as a slip up and want to talk to your mom about before she notices, is so awesome, it shows so much growth on your part.
What you might say is something like, "Mom, I realize this will be dissapointing and difficult for you, but I had a slip up. The (insert whatever here)pain, fear, anxiousness built up so quicky and before I realized it I was out of control and had handled the situation with my old coping mechanism...cutting. I didn't want you to just "see" them and be hurt. I wanted to tell you myself because doing this will be a big part of why I don't cut next time. Please don't panic and think that things are back to where they were, because they're not, I slipped, lost my bearings for a minute....but I'm fine and will get control over my illness again. I love you mom and don't want to hurt you."
Something like that. make sure that she knows that you understand you'll have to try even harder to get back on the right path, and your up for the fight, because truly in your heart of hearts this is not what you want....you don't want to pick up a knife each time things get bad....
She may be angry, or hurt, or cry or yell, there's no telling what her reaction might be, but regardless do what you plan to do and take ownership and then get back up and back in the battle to avoid cutting. Go back to some of the things you've learned in therapy, safer coping techniques....perhaps some extra time with your therapist might be a good idea.
But don't worry yourself sick about it, you'll be okay and so will she. Your strong and you can do this.