Re: Dont know if I belong here but think I do
Thanks Bloodytears and DoubleEdgedLife for the replys. As long as I can remember I have been depressed and thats been a super long time. I put on a good act and people think I am a very cheery happy person but I really am not. I have had some times in my life where I was truely happy, but not many. When I was younger the depression seemed to come and go but was there more times than not. Im not 100% sure but I think I might have been sexually abused by my so called dad when I was younger and when I was a teens and early 20's he would hit me or throw stuff at me any chance he got and he was always verbably abusive for as long as I can remember also. When I was 14 I was raped by a guy who was the boyfriend of a girl that was a couple of years older than me and we were friends and she lived across the street from me, and I never told anyone about it until about 2004 so I was in my in my 40's? (dont remember for sure) I always had a very close relationship with my mom my whole life until she found out that I am a lesbian thanks to one of my sisters outting me to her and in return my mom kicked me out of the house right then and there on the spot. I had no where to go and slept in my car for about 2 weeks until someone I worked with at the time found out I was living out of my car and she took me in for about a month until I had enough money to get an apartment. My mom and I didnt speak for 2 yrs. She wanted nothing to do with me. It was my girlfriend at the time that got us talking again and mom and I had a sit down and she apoligized up and down for treating me the way she did and not talking to me for so long and she swore if she could do it all over again she would have never reacted the way she did, we cried alot, hugged alot and every since then we were back to the way we use to be. She was my best friend. We talked several times a day, did alot of stuff together. She was diagnosed with gastric cancer in 2001 and she ended up passing away the beginning of March 2006, 3 days before one of my sisters birthdays. I spent as much time with her as I could when I found out she had cancer. I took her to all her Dr apts, went with her to her chemo and radation. I laid on the bathroom floor with her and held her when she was to sick to even move. I laid in bed with her and held her when she cried and begged god to not let her die. My partner and I did everything for her during this time, cooking, cleaning, laundry...you name it. There was several times she had to be in the hospital for weeks at a time and I was right there by her side, I stayed in the hospital right there with her, never going home until she was able to. I couldnt stand the thought of her being alone and something aweful happening to her like her dying and no one being there with her. I have 3 sisters younger than me, I am the oldest and they never spent with with my mom or wanted much to do with her especially after we found out she had cancer. With them when mom was out of site she was out of mind. I have not spoken to or seen any of my sisters for about 5 1/2 yrs now.(kinda long story)I also have a nephew who turned 21 in June and 2 nieces who are in their teens, cant remember exact ages, that I have not seen or talked to in 5 1/2 yrs either. So needless to say when my mopm passed I was beyond crushed. I fell apart. I had a very hard time dealing with it and still am. To this day I still see her last week in the hospt. like it is happenig right now. I can hear things that were said, I see things that happened, I can smell certain smells. I see the look in her eyes as she signed her DNR, I still hear her taking her last breath. I feel like I am obsessed by all that. I think about all this stuff every day and loads of other stuff. My mind never shuts off. Mom passed away in March and I was barly existing and the day after Thanksgiving in 2006 my partner was getting ready to leave for work (midnights) and I begged her not to go because I told her I honestly felt that if I was alone that night I wouldnt be alive in the morning. She did not go to work and took me right away to the ER. I had to stay at a mental place for 3-4 days. It was after my mom passed that I started the picking. I have had periods that I do stop but I think I do it more than I dont. I use to do it only on my breasts. Now I mainly do it on my breasts, chest, some what on my upper arms, face, nose, scalp. I dont think I am that bad, I know there are those out there that are super bad with this. I was told then when I had my little 3-4 day stay in the mental place my picking was/is self mutilating but I refuse/refused to call it that or even acknowledge it as that. With some changes in meds I got better about it and would stop for awhile then start, an endless cycle. Sometimes I dont even realize I am doing it. I dont sleep alot but there has even been times when I have woke up and been picking my breasts. I also have chronic pain in my left foot(long story)and am unable to work due to it. Was told by my regular MD dr that I had RSD/neuropathy and I was seeing him monthly and he had me on MS Contin plus other meds for other things and I was also seeing another dr cant remember if he was a psychiatrist or psychologist and he put me on all kinds of stuff and also was the one who made sure all that I was taking all jived together and I also was seeing some counsler woman at this mental place who I talked to for an hr once a week. I basically sit at home 24/7. I am also obese, I dont have much activity in my life due to my foot pain. I dont really have any friends, I mean I know alot of people but honestly the only ones I ever talk to are people on line, where my partner and I live we have been for almost 4 yrs and no one has ever been over to visit. We dont have friends that we hang out with. The only people that ever come here is the repair guy and land lord. Im not happy with my relationship but that being said if it wasnt for my partner Kathy and my 3 birds, I would have nothing and no other reason to go on. I cry off and on every day some days more than others. I never feel happy or normal but then again what is normal? Im always sad and lonely even if my partner is home. I am very moody some days and just down right mean and nasty others. I also count stuff, like everything. I have alot of anxiety. I dont feel safe in my own home most of the time. Doesnt help that I havent been on any meds for maybe almost 2 yrs. I hate taking pills and my financial situation sucks. Yes I am on disability and have drug coverage but those co-payments add up especially when you were on 11-12 meds. My partner has a low paying fast food job. So I guess I have alot of reasons I could be doing this. Right now I really feel like I dont care if I go back to the drs or not. I talk myself out of cancelling my apt every day or just not going. I know deep inside that I need to go but in the same breath dont give a flying fart if I do. I dont want to go cause I dont want to go anywhere, I dont want to start taking pills again, I dont want to go because the dr is going to gripe at me for not seeing any drs in almost 2 yrs, he is going to gripe at me because of my weight....with how I am feeling if he does start bitching at me I may just get up and walk out. I just dont care. I kinda feel like I need someone to talk to but I really feel stupid for talking about this stuff. My partner has been with me and stayed with me through thick and thin, we will be together 13 yrs in Nov. She assures me often that she isnt going anywhere but like last night I told her I thought I was addicted to picking and she said "you think" I replied with "I think I need help" and she just looked at me then looked away and didnt say 1 word. That made me feel like she really dont care. Maybe she just didnt know what to say. Maybe she thought oh brother here we go again. Who knows. If I end up going to my appt this week coming up it will be to see my regular MD dr 1st. If I make it though the appt if he feels that I need to see the/a psychiatrist or psychologist he will make a referal and I will go from there. Sorry this is so long. I tend to ramble when I type. If you took the time to read this whole thing I really appericiate it, thank you.
Last edited by mod85; 10-08-2011 at 07:06 PM.