I worked so hard, for the past 3 months I went completely cut free. No poking or prodding, no burning or bashing, nothing. It was really hard at first but then it started to get easier. I started feeling the need less often and by the end it wasn't even as strong an urge.
Last Sunday I gave in. After a particularly bad breakup with an "emotionally abusive" (My mother's words, not mine) boyfriend a few months ago, He finally moved on. I have never felt so worthless and helpless. After all she's obviously never going to be as crazy. I'm that freak sitting alone in my room cutting myself.
I know it's illogical, but after that I couldn't stop. I cut myself 3 times in the past week.
This was such a huge set back. I feel so guilty.
Hugs to you, DEL. You had such a nice stretch of time where you were able to control your impulses, I'm proud of you!! Just because your boyfriend has moved on doesn't make you crazy or helpless or worthless. Maybe down the road you will look at this as the best thing that ever happened to you!!!!!!
Today is a new day. Are you seeing a therapist to talk about your struggles? If not I would have a serious talk with Mom if I were you. The therapist can change your life and build you up from the inside, out.
Wishing you the very best. Keep posting if talking it out, helps!
Hello DEL. I think it's good you were able to resist the urge to hurt yourself for 3 months. Hurting yourself after a bad breakup doesn't make you helpless or worthless. I think this only shows that you have not yet developed healthier coping mechanisms for unbearable and painful feelings. This doesn't make you a helpless or worthless person.
As Sue mentioned, are you seeing a therapist for your self-injury behavior? I think a therapist could help you develop strategies for handling stressful situations in a more healthy manner when the urge to hurt yourself is very strong.
Thanks for all of the replies. I haven't told anyone I cut... I tried at one point, but I'm so embarassed. I work with a counciler for other issues (I have some form of a mental illness that causes me to halucinate and does really strange things to my body in times of stress. No one has figured it out yet) I'm not sure if I can tell anyone. I really want to, but I feel like for some reason if I do it makes it me a "cutter". Which I know is dumb. I think my parents would be really disapointed in me. I'm really close with my mom. I'm scared of her reaction...
Do you think it would be easier to write down the reasons why you cut and show it to your counselor? Not only will you have time beforehand to compose your thoughts, but after you give her what you wrote you'll have taken the step of telling someone about your cutting.
I used this method to share my suicidal ideation with my therapist. When I started writing it I thought to myself I want to tell someone what has been going through my mind. I was embarrassed and worried about what would happen but once I started talking to him about what I wrote I felt some relief about being able to talk about what was bothering me.
Your parents may have any type of reaction ranging from fear, confusion, anger, disappointment or guilt.
I tried yet again to talk to my mom. It actually makes me feel really really sick thinking about it, let alone talking about it. I ended up telling her how depressed and frusterated I was and giving her a basic over veiw of my feelings after the break up, but I never told her about what I was doing to myself.
I finally came forward and told my best friend. He said he already knew, which is a very scary thought. I thought I hid it better than that. It was a huge relief just letting someone know, but it was also extremely embarassing.
I havent cut in a while, and havent even felt the need as much, I think being open with people about my feelings has helped.
I sometimes see the scars and feel hideously disgusted with my self. For some reason my brain's natural reaction is to want to cut more, even though that would leave more scars.
I want to get to the point where I can tell my friend when I'm feeling like I need to hurt my self, and maybe tell my therapist. But I really don't want my parents to know, atleast not yet. I put them through alot already with all of these things.
It's good to hear you've been able to share your feelings with the people in your life.
I think it's common for wanting to cut yourself because you feel disgusted by your scars. Cutting is a coping strategy and even though it's the cause for your scars, it's a temporary fix for masking the feelings you're experiencing. I think it's very much like when alcoholics want to drink more, compulsive shoppers want to shop more, or when binge eaters want to eat more. Even though they feel bad about what they're doing, it's a tough cycle to break I think. I think it's just the mind's way of trying to find solutions (however short-lived) to the negative feelings you're experiencing.
If you don't feel comfortable with sharing everything to your therapist, perhaps you could ask him/her for coping strategies whenever you feel emotionally overwhelmed?
Nice to meet you, glad you found this board and friends. Don't be too shocked that your best friend new you cut...*smile* those who know us well tend to pick up on things whether we want them to or not. Your mom may even know...just scared to bring it up with you, just like your scared to bring it up with her....on that note....talking to your mom about this obviously causes you a ton of stress, and you seem to be really good at using other skills to cope right now and not cutting....why don't you not worry about talking to your mom for a bit, just let it go. Concentrate on you, and healing and just feeling better about things. Your counselor would be a great person to talk to, because they could give you tools that will just make your ability to not cut somuch stronger.
Super congrats on the cutting break, I sincerely hope your able to keep it up...yell if you wanna talk.