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Old 10-14-2011, 05:28 PM   #1
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bleakfuture HB User
Unhappy bleakfuture

My life is very different from most I feel. Its not ur normal happy go lucky family. I have a partner (male) who I am not in love with and I have 2 amazing children. They are 3 & 4. I also have a girlfriend of 2 yrs who no one really knows about. She herself is married with 2 children. I am out and ppl know that im bi-sexual, well I would say more gay. She on the other hand is a first timer. Hasent even looked at women b4 like this. We have split up due to so much stress and pretending and she isnt sure she can leave her husband. She loves me so much and I know this but she is just scared. I feel like im lost and I have no where to go. Ive been Depressed for a few yrs now and was cutting myself. It has been a while that I have cut until the other day. Life just seems to be getting to me and it just seems to help me so much if I do. It feels so good! It relieves the pain I am feeling within and I just want to keep going. I feel like I dont want to stop now. I just dont know what to do?

 
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: bleakfuture
bridget0415 (10-14-2011), DoubleEdgedLife (10-23-2011), halolove (10-14-2011), slenderella (10-14-2011)
Old 10-14-2011, 06:31 PM   #2
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jennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB Userjennybyc HB User
Re: bleakfuture

Isn't it amazing how this simple act works better and faster than anything the medical or psychiatric community can think of? We wouldn't do it if it didn't work.

But the reality is, we are substituting one pain for another. and the only way to stop it is to deal with the original pain, no matter how bad it is. And I know how bad it can get. I cut and later hit things(and a few others I won't get into) as a result of being abused as a kid and facing what was done to me and just living with and feeling that pain has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. We all have deep pain and at some point, have to face it.

I'm sorry you hurt so badly and I wish I could take the pain away so you don't have to cut to cover it up.

hugs............Jenny

 
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:56 PM   #3
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bleakfuture HB User
Re: bleakfuture

Hi Jenny

Thanks for the time u took to reply to me. It definitely is amazing considering I am on anti depressants and have been for a while now but am just staying content on the ones I have. I am slipping though so perhaps they aren't working so well at the moment. Ive tried numerous psychiatrist, psychologist ect and I really have not liked one of them. So im now afraid to try someone new. My past girlfriend knows that I have started again and is very concerned about me. I dont want to burden anyone else with this and I really just dont want to face it. I have 2 beautiful children that I love so much and just feel like im letting them down as a mother. God I try so hard to not cut but I feel my urges are getting worse. Im down so I want to just do it. I really have times where if I had a gun I would not be here anymore. But then I think of my family and friends and how selfish that is of me. But it would just cure my sadness. I was not abused but I suppose I was so unhappy as a child I started having sex at the age of 12, not sure if I wanted it or not. Was teased all through high school as I was ur typical size 8 (from Aus) blonde hair blue eyes, tanned and all the other girls called me rotten names as their boyfriends liked me. How was that my fault? Yet I copped it everyday of my schooling. I guess I just ended up living up to that reputation as I was getting called it no matter what even though now I think its messed with my mind more than I know. Girls to threaten me with baseball bats was not meant to be on the agenda when going to school. I had friends but behind my back were complete ******* about me. Life just sucks. When I was younger I actually did cause physical harm to myself and only now is this coming back to me. I didnt think it would be an issue. I guess im wrong. I know I need help but dont want it either. Its so hard to face it.

Last edited by mod85; 10-15-2011 at 05:07 AM.

 
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Old 10-15-2011, 11:19 AM   #4
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Re: bleakfuture

You were abused...not by family but by bullies at school. And that is becoming a major problem. We had a teenage girl commit suicide here from all the bullying. I know the school system and the superintendent and I was not at all surprised they ignored her pleas for help with those bullies. They just wanted to pretend they had a great student body....NOT!

You need to find a therapist you can trust. Ask yourself if you'd do better with a male or female therapist first. Female because of your gender identity or male because girls were your abusers? I finally realized that I can't trust female therapists because my primary abuser was my mother and finally asked for a male. First time I thought about what I wanted and it has made a lot of difference. Ask for what YOU want.....it's okay to be selfish.

Then be honest. And if you don't get the responses you need...support and understanding, then look elsewhere. You deserve to be treated well and given what you need...understanding. I suspect you have PTSD from all the bullying and you need someone who treats that. Not just depression or self-injury...they are symptoms. The real cause is the bullying you went through.

I'm sorry they did that to you. You didn't deserve it and you are better than they are for sure. Anyone who gets their ego up but putting down another's ego, is not a good person to be around. But now you have to rebuild it by yourself and that is hard. Surround yourself with people who love and care about you.

I have PTSD too and it's hard to grow up all over again but once attacked, you kind of stop developing emotionally. Time to start again and I know you'll be a great person once you get your self-confidence, self-control and that loving feeling of safety back in your life.

You can do it...time to find an ally in helping you do it(therapist).

hugs...........Jenny

 
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