My anxiety was very high today so I took a long shower to try to relax but I just couldn't resist anymore and ran back in my room and shuffled through my box of tools. I get such a strong feeling in my chest and very nauseous until I do it and I'm still feeling the stress of regret. And fear of my cuts being seen. I've locked myself in my room today and if I could I would sit here and cut myself all day. I love it but I know it's bad for me I just don't know how to resist and I'm scared that if my fiancé sees he will leave me. I've hit a wall.
Hello Allyse89. I think it would be worthwhile if you talk to a professional about what you're going through. In the very least you could talk about what triggers your anxiety and how you can cope with it in a healthier manner. You may also benefit from taking anti-anxiety medication.
When you hit a wall I think that's a possible indicator you could benefit from getting someone else's perspective about what's going on in your life. I know it's not easy to tell someone you've been hurting yourself, but you may feel a lot of relief knowing you're taking a step in recovering from a self-destructive habit.
How're you doing today, any better? Those walls hurt don't they....pretty damn hard. So, question do you recieve any help for your cutting, do you see a therapist? have you ever? Sounds like it might be time to consider it if not. I'm assuming that your fiance knows nothing about your secret....and I know that is just slap wearing you out, because it is an exhausting secret to keep. My name is Kat btw, I'm 42 and I've been cutting since I was 13....I was very good at hiding it for a very very long time....like till I was 34 or 35.....then I changed to a new pdoc (psychiatrist) who is very good at what he does...2nd Session, he was like, Kathryn, that cut there on your wrist under your watch...how often do you cut yourself? Well, when I picked my jaw up off the floor....we started a journey into the where's and why's of why I chose then and still choose to cut for most of my life. I know how exhausting it can be keeping that secret, always having to have a cover story, always having to keep them straight in your head....my husband thought I was clumsy in the kitchen, and in my rose gardens. But in 2005 I hit a brick wall of my own, and just couldn't hide it anymore....I was cutting pretty much all day, everyday. Too much to hide that was for sure my bipolar was off the charts and honestly I just didn't care. My nightmares made a jump from regular scary nightmares to "tactile amnesiac nightmares" and to make matters worse I started cutting in my sleep...one bad trip netted my 47 stitches in my left arm and I felt nothing, just woke up really jacked up...can't hide it after that.
So intense psychotherapy, meds, DBT, a couple inpatient psych stays and eventually ECT and the cutting is somewhat managed....I actually went from 12/15/09 to 09/03/10 without cutting once....that was pretty cool. Nowadays I don't cut everyday most days, I can manage to keep the monsters in their boxes and think things through whithout grabbing a blade...but there are those days when that's the only thing that works...to dull the pain, there has to be more pain....one of these days some doc somewhere will actually be able to logically explain that to me. But I have an excellent pdoc, whom I would not trade for anything....he's saved me, more times than I can count....and he actually gives a damn, you know...I'm not just a name on a chart....
Finding the right kind of support can be the step that changes your life....the step that turns it all around and lets you lead a somewhat normal life. You've got a lot to look forward to..a fiance who loves you, getting married...starting your life together....trust me, it's a whole lot easier without the blades. Maybe just think about taking to someone....
And if you ever need to just talk to a regular gal...give me a yell, I'm usually around. Sending massive good thoughts your way!!!
Thank you for that, I've never truly had someone who understands the love hate relationship of cutting. He knows my past, I have scars up and down my arms and legs but where there are keloid scars and blobs of scar he doesn't see the new ones. I got new razors the other day but haven't used them yet, still excited just to have them and I'm trying to not cut myself anymore at least until these ones heal.
And no I've never seen a therapist. I saw a grief counselor for 2 years 3 days a week after my ex died and did lots of counseling work with the counselors but that was it. I always wanted to help everyone else. This was in high school when I cut the most. I know I need help I'm just scared to get it. Scared of what my family will say scared they will be mad, and scared about my future. Will they let crazy cutter girls be nurses? I'm in nursing school and it's my life. I get anxiety just thinking of not cutting and telling my family I do.
You my friend are not a crazy cutter girl...you are a girl, who is not crazy, who picked up a really whack *** coping mechanism called cutting...why? because it's easy...and effective! And yes, you can be a nurse, you can be anything you want. Therapy is hard work, and yes a little scary at first...but you get with the right doc, and it works....they help you, they don't judge, they're not biased.
Will your family understand, probably not...but it's not their problem. You have to do this for you, regardless of what they think....and eventually they will understand that you are strong and are taking care of yourself the way you should be. This is a mental illness, not a freakshow, remember that, always.
I know that new razor thrill, cept I'm partial to knives myself...it's hard not to walk through a store and not buy, and then you tell yourself, okay I'm going to buy, but not use..yeah right....we are big time liars to ourselves....but that's where therapy works, because a good therapist will give you new coping tools to fight those urges and not lie to yourself. DBT which is a form of therapy especially helpful for self harm, teaches you amazing skills and techniques to handle your everyday life stress, anger, fear, pain, etc. so you don't have to cut....and there are meds that help control the urges.....Lithium is very effective against cutting urges....so there are things you can do to work against this....you just have to want to. And talking to idiots like me who have been doing it wwwaayyyy too long....it's probably my soul regret in life...the one thing I've never been able to kick completely....and I regret the day I drew that first blood....if I could go back and change anything in my life....that would be it.....
You could start by asking for referrals from your doctor, family or friends. You could also do a Google search of therapists in your area or ask your insurance company for a list of therapists. I found my therapist through an employee assistance program.
You would have to talk to your insurance company to find if they would cover your therapy sessions.
Most major medical policies have a mental health rider attached. Depending on the national “brand” of your insurance there may be a limit on how many visits you can have in a year. Most insurance companies now days have a website where you can punch in your zip code and find providers in your area. The next step is to then go to those Pdoc’s sites and read up on them and their treatment philosophy. DO NOT just pick the closest or cheapest copay to you. Seeing a therapist is not like seeing a family doc for a cold, you have to find someone your comfortable with, that you are willing to share your thoughts and feelings with, that you actually want to go to….because if your not honest with them, it will not work and is a waste of both of your’s time. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it really is important…an example for you, here’s roughly what my pdocs treatment philosophy is….
My pdoc has a treating philosophy of working with patients to understand their problems, he listens to patients concerns and issues as a whole person then works on developing an approach that is agreeable between him and the patient. He has a holistic approach with attention to the “whole” person, i.e. your body, your mind and your spirit….he takes everything into consideration..this approach works really well for me and I recommend finding a pdoc with views like this….cutting or self harm isn’t about just one thing in your life or “body/mind” that’s out of whack. They can’t help you work on one thing but ignore the other parts of you that are broken, you know? Another reason I chose this particular pdoc is he is a psych medication expert…he did the extra time in med school and hospital settings and learned all he could about treating patients with psych meds. He never forces you to take a med, he asks if you’re willing to, and he never, never suggests a med if the side effects are worse than the drug…that’s a big deal when it comes to a good pdoc….alot of them now days just push whatever magic pill is out on the market…whatever the drug rep has dropped off and touted as the miracle pill that week, is what you get when you go in…my pdoc doesn’t do that. And it’s not just about meds with him, he adds other holistic treatment options to make a complete treatment plan…once again aimed at treating the “whole” person. In my 23 years as a BiPolar and Self Harmer I’ve been through 17 pdocs and don’t even remember how many therapists….this is the first one who’s ever stuck…he’s been my doc for almost 8 years now, because he actually gives a darn, he doesn’t just let you fall off the grid, or give up. That’s what you want in a good pdoc. Mine also happens to be a Neurologic Fellow, I happen to have cluster migraines and grand mal seizures which complicate things, so that works for me…it’s not a necessity….it just makes it easier for him to know what psych meds can do me serious harm or help me.
So, there you go….it’s not always easy finding the right pdoc, and it takes some research…there are pysch sites on the web also that rate pdocs/tdocs in your area, these do help. And it may take more than one shot to find the right one, sometimes you just have to get in there with them to see if you feel comfortable, you’ll know when you do….just don’t give up.