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Old 01-13-2012, 07:03 AM   #1
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tearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB User
last night sucked

So I don't know why but yesterday I was having one of those days where you feel as though there is just this bubble around me that no one and nothing can get through. I went through meetings, work social event, and more meetings and was just numb. The last meeting kicked off a panic attack as I realized that I have no money to pay for my daughter to go to school next fall and freaked out about financial aid. I started snapping at the kids over stupid stuff. Finally I went in to my room after everyone went to bed and started cutting, waiting for me to feel something outside of the bubble. I have this one spot that I just keep re-opening never letting it heal.

I did finally arrange an appointment with a pdoc for next weekend (the earliest that he had open that I don't already have to work) but I have never met him and I just hurt so much right now from all the crap in my life I just don't know what to do anymore.

 
Old 01-13-2012, 08:04 AM   #2
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: last night sucked

stop the big steps.....dont' worry about next fall and school...it's to much....don't worry about the pdoc a week off....just take today....or this morning if thats what you can do....get through small chunks of time....moment by moment and you'll be doing good. When you start feeling like your in that bubble, go immerse yourself in something positive, like your kids, go watch a stupid movie with them, or just play with them, hang with them...whatever....kids can be a great distraction...and it keeps you from jumping down their throat when they've done nothing. Try to not worry about all the big "scaries" out there that right at this moment in time, you cannot control....the financial aid will work....your daughter will go to school....it will work out.....when the big "scaries" hit, flip 'em around into positives, and just repeat them to yourself over and over again, as long as it takes your head to get it.....will it keep you from cutting....probably not, but the panic attack will probably stay at bay, and your kids won't get so much grief.....and the cutting just might not be so bad....

You have to work at this....it's hard work....mental work is 10 times more exhausting than physical labor ever will be....and then there's that.....do something physical...personally when my head gets really full and freaked out I do crunches.....like 4 or 5 hundred of them.....I get more and more ticked as I go that I let whatever big "scary" have the effect on me that it did... on the way up and usually burn off the anger/fear/panic by the way I'm half done and on the way down....and am tired and can relax a bit without freaking out every 2 seconds...with self harm and the mental crap that brings it on....you have to get creative in your treatment of it....It's not like we can just run to "hubby" or "daughter" and say, "Man, I'm really struggling right now and want to take a razor and slice a 3 inch gash in my arm, I could really use a hug!!!!" we have to be pretty self sufficient.....

Clear your bathroom of sharps, razors, etc. Light some candles, take a really really hot bath and just let yourself relax, ********, have a good cry....whatever YOU need to do....

Hang in there, you are strong and you can do this....I believe in you and I believe you can.

Kat

 
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:50 PM   #3
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tearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB User
Re: last night sucked

Kat,

I really appreciate your encouragement. I am really trying today but I struggle with focusing. It is like one bad thing after another just keeps happening, last night sucked, then I talked to my dad today, my mom's doctor called and they didn't take enough last week in her surgery for breast cancer based on the pathology so now she has to go back next week for another surgery then its another two weeks before she can start her other treatments. We are close my parents and I but it still is so frustrating and overwhelming. No long baths tonight though have to work all night.

 
Old 01-13-2012, 09:20 PM   #4
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: last night sucked

Deep breaths girl...remember life is life and it is gonna suck at times...we can't escape that....we have to deal....we just do sometimes, no matter how much we want to run and hide. I just lost my father in law to lung cancer in Oct....he only lasted 4 months after his diagnosis....I spent the last month of his life, sitting with him 3 days a week, watching him die....because he wouldn't let anyone else do it and it wasn't fair to expect his wife to be there 24/7 with no break.....and he suffered...the man never got a break, awake or asleep he suffered.....

We have to deal....so deep breaths.....moment by moment.....

hang in there...do what you need to do....but try to only do what you have to do.

Kat

 
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