Im hoping by riding this as I'm feeling this way will help me to describe how I describe it better. I woke up happy, ran some errands, and even went to work feeling good. I'm a cna at the local hospital on the busiest and hardest to work on floor in the hospital and tonight wAs especially busy, which really keeps my mind off injuring myself. But when I leave I can't seem to leave work at work and relax. I feel a panic attack coming on and the urge to hurt myself is strong. Not doing it gives me more anxiety and I have too many thoughts going on at once.
I can't imagine how hard it is for you to leave your job at work....being around all that pain and suffering all the time...it must be incredibly hard. It takes special kind of people to do the work that you do, not everyone can do it....your definitely a special person. Try to find different outlets to get that stress and pressure out....slashing red paint on paper.....journal...get your thoughts down on paper...just randomly write..don't worry about order or neatness...just write....if you just feel like you have to cut or else...try simulating it....cover you arm with plastic wrap and take a red sharpie and draw the cuts on....there are things you can try that might take the edge off the urge to cut without actually cutting....but you never know until you try them....
I am A special person. I love helping people and caring for them in their time of need. I specialize in Alzheimer's patients and i feel lucky to work with these patients. It's the only release that works. I grow fond of my patients and it's hard to leave that **** at the door, i write all the Time and it does help but not enough I just love cutting. I don't want to see a therapist cause I'm scared I'll find out something serious is wrong.
Nah....nothing serious is wrong...it's not a brain defect...it's just an easy way to cope. Trust me, it's a helluva lot easier to pick up a blade and deal with all the "stuff" in your head/life that way than to actually work on things or your self and fix the problems...waaayyy easier. Slash, slash, a little pain, some blood, get the rush, get the high..feel better.....working on your issues, working the steps, therapy is work, hard work....human nature we always gravitate towards the easiest, fastest fix. We want the pain to end and NOW! Especially when we're young. The thing is, cutting will never be a permanent fix...you'll have to do it more and more, more often, deeper, harder, hurt more, bleed more....it won't ever be enough.....eventually it takes over and you can't stop it....its an addiction just like drugs or booze or any other high.