Since I've self injured. I have no idea what has happened to me. No one has ever known about my SI past, and here I am married with 2 kids, hiding marks on my arm. The trigger was my last psychiatrist visit. I really like him, but only see him once a month for med monitoring. Which by the way, last month was bumped up to 300mg/day. He suggested outpatient therapy, and on the hour drive home my mind was going 100mph. All I could think of was cutting. That was it. And like I said, it's been 24 years! I don't see him again until Feb 14th and in the mean time see someone locally who I'm not nearly as fond of. I like my psychiatrist because he has a "you can't bullsh*t a bullshi*tter" way about him. Anyway, I'm not even sure if I can tell him, certainly I can't tell anyone else in my life, and I just need to get it out, so I thought maybe here.....what the heck is going on with me??
Welcome to our little corner of the healthboards world....you my friend and I have much in common....if you've read any of my posts...you'll see that. I've been cutting for umm....33 years.....never made it without as long as you. I have 2 kids, boys, 21 and 13.....have a great pdoc....very, doesn't do the ******** thing....he outsted me on the cutting 6 years ago....nobody knew until then....it took him until my second visit to figure it out...pretty smart guy. First impressions from me to you.....tell the shrink about your cutting...sounds like he can more than handle it, and you need someone to tell, before it gets wwaaayy bad again, like you know it will.
This is a great place to talk....we're all pretty normal people here, a little screwed up, but pretty normal.....just have that really wierd coping mech built in...
Thanks for replying. The feeling of loneliness with this issue is often overwhelming. Like I said, I have never told anyone, and the walls are up pretty high right now. I don't think I could look at my husband if he knew. To face family....oh lord. I'm afraid that since my psychologist wants me to do outpatient without even knowing about the cutting, what will he do if he finds out? Involuntary inpatient? I'm afraid of that. Well, I am on one hand (who will do all the things I do if I'm locked up) and on the other hand, to just go and figure out my problems and concentrate JUST on that would be, I don't know....good?
This time around seems worse. It's like I HAVE to do it, every day, regardless of how I'm feeling. Like an addiction. I know I have a very addictive personality do that scares me a bit too.
Ok, off to take care of my mom. Thanks again. It's nice to hear from someone in their adults years battling this too. I do not belittle anyone aged person who cuts, but it's hard to relate to what a teen cuts for, and what I cut for. Just different stages in life I guess.
Trust me, I'm pretty sure your pdoc (psychiatrist) is not going to be all that shocked about the cutting....if he wants you to see a tdoc (psychologist) he's on to the fact that something is up....tell him! When my husband of 24 years found out, that was pretty much the beginning of the end of my marriage....my husband was an alcoholic and I also have BiPolar disorder....it was a long time coming. He kept wanting to "Fix" me.....he couldn't. He would get sssooo angry because I wouldn't tell him exactly what I talked to my pdoc or tdoc about....he wanted to be a "part" of it all, but it wasn't his thing to be a part of...he had his own issues to deal with, and had no desire to work on those...he just wanted to fix mine. So I am now very happily divorced for the past year and a half, that's been the upside of all this...lol...I finally grew a pair and stopped having to show up at my pdoc's office with black eyes and split lips....those were harder to own up to than the cuts!
In-patient: you will not be forced to go inpatient for cutting....it's not suicidal behaivor, way different. Never in all my years have I heard of anyone being put on a 72 for self injury...and I've spent time in patient in 2 different states....5 different times, voluntarily and not voluntarily....sometimes it was the best thing I ever did....just getting away from the house, the work, the kids, the hubby, the cats....all of it.....I've also done just about every kind of therapy there is...CBT, DBT, ECT, you name it, I've tried it.......what can I say? I like to cut, I like to choose what makes ME feel better...I like to watch the blood pour and take all the crap and hurt and fear and pain out of my body...yeah, I know it's wrong...and most of the time I fight it with everything that's in my.....but sometimes I don't. My biggest thing is, I'm insanely honest with my boys...I mean hey they're not stupid, they know mom has way more scars in way strange places than the 27 surgeries shes had in the last 15 years, so they ask questions...and I answer honestly....because no matter what, I do NOT want my sons learning to cope the way I do....and if it take me being humiliated because everytime my 13 yr old see me he lifts my sleeves and checks me for new cuts, well that's how it has to be...
See a few years ago my cutting went hardcore....the powers that be took it out of my hands and turned it into a dissassociative sleeptime activity. I have tactile amnesic dreamstate nightmares....fancy name for: I cut in my sleep, and don't know that I do it...and they're not the little 1/4 inchers that we do when we're awake so that we can see some blood, or touch something and make it burn...first time it happened I had to get 47 stitches over 5 slash marks on my left arm, 2nd time 75 stitches over left arm, right leg....etc. Can't really hide those kind of marks easily....
so I've rambled on a bit here...sorry my manic side of the BP is rearing it's ugly head right now LOL I get wordy. I do hope you hang around a while....and i do get the thing about not clicking with the teen cutters....we're all at a different age/stage...I understand why they do it....but we do it for totally different stressors/life reasons.