Ok, so bad weekend....nightmares won....only 12 stitches this time...damn! The cutting is bad enough...but to not get the high, not get the buzz from the pain or the bloodrush.....hell I have to dissassociate and do it in my sleep.... I'm just freaking tired...sick and tired of all of it. I'm sick of having to explain why I did something when I don't even remember doing it.....why do people not get that???????
I am really sorry you have had a bad weekend. I wish there was something that I could do to help as you have been really good at responding to me since I found this board and encouraging me to get help. Just take it one minute at a time we understand even if no one else does and we are here to listen and hopefully help.
Yes. I've been cutting for 33 years since I was 13, my father used to get his kicks molesting me, that started when I was 9, when I was 13 I found cutting...great way to cope. I've always had nightmares about it, pretty freakin awful ones, 5 years ago they morphed into a whole new deal...I now have tactile amnesic dreamstates..."nightmares with playtime activity"!!!! I dream my father or abusive ex husband is attacking me, so I defend myself with of course my first choice in a weapon, a knife, but in real life I am attacking myself with that knife in my sleep...I'm in a total dissassociative state so I don't feel anything, sense anything, hear anything.....or wake up. When I do wake up, in the morning like normal, I'm in bed a bloody mess and trying to figure out what the hell happened this time, why there are scissors sticking out of my arm, or why I'm gripping a knife in my hand.....the first time 47 stitches, 2nd time 15 stitches, 3rd time 75 stitches, 4th time 3 & 8 stitches, 5th time 10 stitches, 6th time 3" 2nd degree burn, and Saturday 7th time 12 stitches.....when it first started happening it scared the crap out of me, now it's just whatever....but it ticks me off, I'm tired of this crap. I can handle choosing to cut when I'm awake....I do not like my brain/body choosing to do this stuff without my permission!!!!!
kat
Last edited by katlin09; 01-16-2012 at 07:56 AM.
Reason: hate spelling errors
I am really sorry you have had a bad weekend. I wish there was something that I could do to help as you have been really good at responding to me since I found this board and encouraging me to get help. Just take it one minute at a time we understand even if no one else does and we are here to listen and hopefully help.
Tears, you do plenty...just knowing that your out there and that you do understand and you do care...that's plenty. one minute at a time...it's all we can do right.....last night I set my cell for 30 minutes chunks, slept for 30 minutes then woke up, did it all night long.....got a little sleep and managed not to bloody the sheets in the process....so I guess I'm good.
I'm so sorry for the things that have happened to you. I too have had similar things happen to me and as a result ended up cutting. I found EMDR therapy to be quite helpful in relieving the nightmares and letting go.
I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. I know it's no fun not being able to get a good night of sleep. I hope you're able to get some sleep soon without the nightmares and cutting.
Thanks for the input....yes I've done EMDR as well as ECT and DBT, CBT....LOL...pretty much every therapy out there.....I also have a pretty strong med combo that usually is very effective.....just had to up the juice a bit. We'll see how tonight plays out.....last night we did 30 minute sleep sets, tonight I'll extend them to an hour...
welcome to the SI board btw...havn't seen ya around here...
I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. I know it's no fun not being able to get a good night of sleep. I hope you're able to get some sleep soon without the nightmares and cutting.
Hey flamesabers....
well life is what it is, right? we deal....somehow. tonight I'll shoot for 60 minute chunks of sleep...and go from there....generally enough to feel a bit rested but not enough to get myself into trouble.
I hope that you slept better last night and that tonight will be even better. You can do this and I know that you will be able to beat this. I am sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.
Well, could not turn the brain off and make it sleep last night, apparantly it knew something I didn't..so I just went with the flow and stared at the ceiling. Then about 5:30 passed out and literally died until 9:00 a.m. so I got a few hours sleep.
Thanks to all you wonderful guys for your support and hugs and just being there...your the greatest...and you get it...and that means more than anything in the world!
Im really sorry that happens to you. I used to cut when I was young due to anxiety and depression. I still have severe anxiety and suffer from debilitating panic attacks from time to time, so I know how you feel. Just a question because I wonder this for myself...
Do you think the meds make you more even-keeled so you can be yourself or do you think they alter who you are all together? I'm just curious because I am debating whether or not I should try to get off of my meds and risk losing it all- fiance and job, or stay completely happy but possibly not the real me? Just curious...
I am very severe BiPolar...my official diagnosis is Bipolar with severe suicidal depression...on top of that I have several life threatening diseases, I've had 44 surgeries in the last 15 years.....and several of them are degenerative they will continue to get worse.
I take a very specifically mixed carefully dosed cocktail that was created and researched just for me to keep my mind and subconscious from dreaming...it consists of 5 different medications. It normally works really well, but every once in a while it has to be tweaked. Other than that I take 11 other meds that allow me to breathe, my heart to beat, my BP to remain stable, my blood pressure to stay at a normal rate and allow me to walk and keep my pain at a reasonable 5, so that just living everyday is bearable. The meds dont' hamper me...they let me "agree" to continue trying to live each day.
I am very severe BiPolar...my official diagnosis is Bipolar with severe suicidal depression...on top of that I have several life threatening diseases, I've had 44 surgeries in the last 15 years.....and several of them are degenerative they will continue to get worse.
I take a very specifically mixed carefully dosed cocktail that was created and researched just for me to keep my mind and subconscious from dreaming...it consists of 5 different medications. It normally works really well, but every once in a while it has to be tweaked. Other than that I take 11 other meds that allow me to breathe, my heart to beat, my BP to remain stable, my blood pressure to stay at a normal rate and allow me to walk and keep my pain at a reasonable 5, so that just living everyday is bearable. The meds dont' hamper me...they let me "agree" to continue trying to live each day.
I am very severe BiPolar...my official diagnosis is Bipolar with severe suicidal depression...on top of that I have several life threatening diseases, I've had 44 surgeries in the last 15 years.....and several of them are degenerative they will continue to get worse.
I take a very specifically mixed carefully dosed cocktail that was created and researched just for me to keep my mind and subconscious from dreaming...it consists of 5 different medications. It normally works really well, but every once in a while it has to be tweaked. Other than that I take 11 other meds that allow me to breathe, my heart to beat, my BP to remain stable, my blood pressure to stay at a normal rate and allow me to walk and keep my pain at a reasonable 5, so that just living everyday is bearable. The meds dont' hamper me...they let me "agree" to continue trying to live each day.
Kat
Kat,
Can I ask you a question,my friend?
Have you tried safe place imagery,from the perspective of your inner child?Where does that inner child go to feel safe from the thoughts of impending doom?
Something happens when we're abused at an early age that thwarts emotional growth at times and all we are left with is an adult with child-like tendencies.
Please realize that I'm not judging you;this is coming from a place of pain that I don't like to go to or pursue.
It's your mind that matters because it's not simply mind over matter;I hear you....both deeply and truly.
I also live in chronic pain and will not bore you with cliche's but i'm coming from deep within with what will be said next.
Protect that "inner child" because this is where it all originated from.Try to love that child that no one looked out for;that poor,defenseless individual has grown into a woman that is still in pain and afraid.....
I hear it....I feel it and as uncomfortable as it makes me feel,I both sympathize and empathize with how it effects you.
Protect that "inner child" because this is where it all originated from.Try to love that child that no one looked out for;that poor,defenseless individual has grown into a woman that is still in pain and afraid.....
I hear it....I feel it and as uncomfortable as it makes me feel,I both and empathize with how it effects you.
Stated with compassionate insight
Phoenix
To be honest with you my friend, i've never been able to find that safe "inner child". I moved straight from my parents abusive home, yes my mom was abusive in her own lovely ways, and got married at an early age (19), I'd do anything to get out of that place....and ended up marrying a lifetime alcoholic who I learned by 5 years in liked to beat up on me when he got drunk....so great wise choice there, by then I had kids and spent my life making sure my kids were safe and that nobody every did anything to them or touched them, I spent 26 years in that marriage until my youngest was 13 and then just couldn't do it anymore I was so suicidal it was just....well I had to get out so one day and 6 years of a great pdoc later I finally got brave enough to leave. And I am better, I live by myself for the first time ever, and after the first year of adjusting to all the monsters under the bed and creaks in the night...I got used to it, and I love it. I won't lie it's hard with all the med/mental stuff but compared to the hell I lived in, it's awesome. So, I don't know, I've found something to bring me peace most days, but sometimes my subconcious just takes over and breaks through...
Thanks for your insight bud, very welcomed as usual.
To be honest with you my friend, i've never been able to find that safe "inner child". I won't lie it's hard with all the med/mental stuff but compared to the hell I lived in, it's awesome. So, I don't know, I've found something to bring me peace most days, but sometimes my subconcious just takes over and breaks through...
Kat
Kat,
Could it be that you're looking in the wrong place?
When we live in pain and turmoil on a daily basis,it takes a toll on the psyche in many different ways.
Often times,we leave hidden a part of us that will stay there until we seek it out.
You're a survivor Kat........
You have weathered storms and are continuing to....
That's what life expects of us due to the fact that life owes us nothing but air to breathe and weather to bear.
It's what we do and continue to tolerate,that defines us.
Somewhere,in each one of us,exists this inner strength;sometimes it hides in the fortress that we have built over the years and other times cleverly evades in plain sight.
How do we locate something so deceptively clever?
We'll see glimpses of it now and then and it leaves behind remnants of its' whereabouts;like clues for us to investigate.
We pick up these "pieces" and incorporate them into our lives;the best way we can.
I know it's no fun not being able to get a good night of sleep. I hope you're able to get some sleep soon without the nightmares and cutting.
