| | aarrgh can anything go right?
Okay I have to get this out because right now I am sitting here with my blade and haven't done anything terrible just one little cut but I swear I just want to scream and yell and find some way to change the pain I am feeling from inside to being on the outside and I can't seem to find a way to numb the feelings.
the Pdoc it took me two months to get the courage to call and schedule an appointment with had his office manager call me and tell me the appointment time would not work for him, it was one of 5 appointment times that he had laid out as available when we scheduled and was still 10 days out from scheduling, yes I know that doesnt seem like very long but it seems like forever to me right now, the thing is I alread rearranged my schedule to make that time next weekend work, I don't have any available time otherwise in the next 2 weeks and since I have never seen him before I can't just scream at him and say I can't wait. I am broke, one of my bosses at work that is one of my biggest supporters called me this morning to tell me that she is resigning. I have been fighting a migraine since thursday ( I get about 5-6 hours relief but have now run out of my meds and since my refill is only two weeks old I can't get any more) I have already been to the ER in the last month for my migraines and I can't afford another trip.
My mom this morning sent out this long email with phone and address contacts for all our extended family members which has me really scared because she had a lumpectomy for breast cancer 10 days ago and the doc told her on friday that they didn't get it all and she has to go in for another surgery so I am wondering if it is worse than she is tell me (us kids) or what. When I say extended family I mean cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I just want to feel numb I want to not hurt and I feel as though my life is falling apart more than it has in the past.
Kat - I know you will read this and I just keep thinking that if I would call my friend he could fix this, he could give me something so that I am numb the thing is I can't call him, I cant go down that path, I want to cry but I can't I know that sounds dumb but I haven't been able to cry in months it is as though my body no longer knows how to express itself that way.
I am sorry, I just don't know what to do except the one thing I know I shouldn't.