Okay I have to get this out because right now I am sitting here with my blade and haven't done anything terrible just one little cut but I swear I just want to scream and yell and find some way to change the pain I am feeling from inside to being on the outside and I can't seem to find a way to numb the feelings.
the Pdoc it took me two months to get the courage to call and schedule an appointment with had his office manager call me and tell me the appointment time would not work for him, it was one of 5 appointment times that he had laid out as available when we scheduled and was still 10 days out from scheduling, yes I know that doesnt seem like very long but it seems like forever to me right now, the thing is I alread rearranged my schedule to make that time next weekend work, I don't have any available time otherwise in the next 2 weeks and since I have never seen him before I can't just scream at him and say I can't wait. I am broke, one of my bosses at work that is one of my biggest supporters called me this morning to tell me that she is resigning. I have been fighting a migraine since thursday ( I get about 5-6 hours relief but have now run out of my meds and since my refill is only two weeks old I can't get any more) I have already been to the ER in the last month for my migraines and I can't afford another trip.
My mom this morning sent out this long email with phone and address contacts for all our extended family members which has me really scared because she had a lumpectomy for breast cancer 10 days ago and the doc told her on friday that they didn't get it all and she has to go in for another surgery so I am wondering if it is worse than she is tell me (us kids) or what. When I say extended family I mean cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I just want to feel numb I want to not hurt and I feel as though my life is falling apart more than it has in the past.
Kat - I know you will read this and I just keep thinking that if I would call my friend he could fix this, he could give me something so that I am numb the thing is I can't call him, I cant go down that path, I want to cry but I can't I know that sounds dumb but I haven't been able to cry in months it is as though my body no longer knows how to express itself that way.
I am sorry, I just don't know what to do except the one thing I know I shouldn't.
I hope writing it out has helped you to feel a little better. It sounds like you're facing a lot of difficult problems that are beyond your control. I don't think it sounds dumb that you're unable to cry even though you want to. Perhaps you're so emotionally drained that crying isn't a possibility for you now?
It did help to get some of it out. I called the pdoc's office today and between his schedule and mine I can't get in to see him now until early February. I guess what sca.res me the most about him cancelling is that when I tried seeing someone last fall I gave up after two visits because I felt like I was a burden to him, for every appointment we had there were 2-3 cancellations on his part it didn't help with my trust issues and so to have this pdoc relationship start off this way makes me feel like I am so screwed up that even before they know me or I have my first session they already know I am a lost cause.
You know what really sucks... I have been so screwed up and in such a dark hole lately that I totally forgot that my son's birthday is this Thursday. What a horrible mom am I? self-involved and depressed.
Last edited by tearsnfears; 01-17-2012 at 09:00 PM.
I'm sorry to hear your pdoc appointment has been postponed again. Does his office have any psych nurses you could see in the meantime so that when you do see him in February he will already be familiar with your situation?
Are you still fighting your migraine headache?
I don't think you're a horrible mom. I think the fact you care very much about remembering your son's birthday even when you're depressed shows how devoted you are to being a good mom.
The Following User Says Thank You to flamesabers For This Useful Post: tearsnfears (01-18-2012)
Yes I am still fighting my migraine and today I think I am starting to get a cold just what I needed. Does my pdoc have pyschnurses that I could see I don't have any idea. My pcp gave me a list of referrals after the first referral last fall didn't work and I picked the only dr. on the list the rest all were liscensed counselors but I just didn't think that was where I should start all things considered. Even if he does have nurses I just don't know if I could go see one as I struggle with the idea of telling anyone and to add another person in to the mix when I already feel nervous and anxious just terrifies me.
I know that the next three weeks until the appointment will go quickly as I am so busy but it doesn't help the nights that I sit up and everything closes in on me.
Tears...heres the deal...remember get ******...remember me...i'm your person to get ****** at...use me....direct all that anger at not being able to see your doc soon enough and get all this crap out where it needs to be, and get ****** and yell at someone...that someone is me....I have a tough skin, I can take it. NO, you cannot call your friend....we both know where that will end, and it is not in a good place, so just forget about it, it's not an option. You are strong and you can make it until the pdoc appt. First thing tomorrow morning you call the pdocs office and make sure they have you on the cancellation list....make sure they call you if someone cancels.
You can do this....you can do this without picking up that blade and cutting..you can.
You are not a bad mom...you are a woman who's dealing with upteen zillion major things on her plate right now....so give yourself a freakin break! Quit worrying that your mom is sicker than she is....until she tells you she is sicker than she is...you don't need to borrow any troubles right now, you've got enough on your plate. You want to scream and yell....then go for it....Lock yourself in your bedroom or bathroom and scream and yell until your hearts content....go for it.
YOU CAN DO THIS! Hang in there...take it a day at a time....and before you know it your pdoc appt will be here and things will start looking up...but in the mean time....you wanna post me and yell at me and scream at me...go ahead girl....I ain't going no where....one thing I can guarantee you...I won't leave you.
Hang in there okay...it can and will get better....