So I had a pretty bad weekend, well that would be the understatement. Had a couple of events that I had to attend and felt completely lost and invisible. This feed my other issues so by the time my mom called to tell me that plans had changed for my daughter's graduation and they no longer need the hotel room for that weekend I was a mess.
I gave in for the first time i have one small cut (less than an inch) that I probably should have had stitched up but I didn't. My daughter caught me last night and freaked out to this point she didn't know anything for sure, we have cats, I am really good about not cutting lower than where my sleeves are when long sleeves get pushed up if I do my arms but she took my knife. my new one that I just bought to punish myself this weekend.
She is threatening to call my doctor I don't know if she will go through with it or not but somehow out of no where the pdoc I have been struggling to go see and after cancelations and re-scheduling on his part his office called and he has a cancellation tonight. I took it because I don't know what else to do I have to rearrange my schedule to make it happen but I am more concerned that if my daughter does talk to anyone it could jeopardize my job.
Well for now concentrate on one thing at a time, take the pdoc appt and go see him and talk to him and get some of this stuff you've been holding in....out! Hopefully that will help some. Help you to get a little fit of a grip on some of this. The when you get home, sit your daughter down, I'm assuming she's older, 18 or 19??, and calmly telll her that you are working on your problems with a psychiatrist and that these are YOUR problems, not hers. Tell her that they are private, not her business, and not something that she needs to be going around telling people. Tell her that she could jeopardize your job by telling people about this. Then end the conversation there. That is all she needs to know. She's being a typical selfish lil teenage who thinks she has a right to know everything, well, she doesn't, not about this. You are dealing with this with a professional and she needs to back off, it's that simple. If it's too hard for you to sit her down and tell her these things, then write her a letter....but it's real simple, if she wants to continue to have a roof over her head, food to eat and things that she likes, she needs to mind her own business, keep her mouth shut and let you handle your problems with your psychiatrist. And don't worry about your pdoc talking to your daughter, without a signed release he can't talk to anyone!
Sending good thoughts your way today, and don't worry, you can do this tonight, you are that strong!
My daughter is 17, and still in high school. I know I need to have the conversation with her about talking to people because it could jeopardize a lot, if her dad found out he could try and get custody which she would hate because he lives 400 miles away and she would not be able to finish her senior year. It is tough because she is young but I know she would worry about her brother as well because he is much younger and not only wouldn't understand but dad would definately fight me about him if there was something he thought he could use against me.
My sons are 21 and 13....my oldest was 16 when I had to explain to him that I cut, as a way to deal with the pain and stress of certain situations in my life, that and the fact that I tend to wake up cut up and bloody from cutting in my sleep. I was able to put it off a few years for my younger son...until he was 11 and his step mom informed him that I was an insane drug addict who like to take razors and knives and cut myself up! So I had to set him straight on that at the ripe old age of 11 and believe it or not he did pretty good with it once he actually got the truth from me. So, I've had that conversation with both my kids at different times in their lives due to different circumstances, it wasn't easy, but once I did it, I was glad I had because i didn't have to constantly feel like I was hiding stuff from them all the time. And it was very easy to make them understand that this is a very private matter and they were to discuss it with nobody at all! The worst part about it now is that any time my 13 yr old is around me he checks me for cuts and if he finds any lil scratch or scrape he wants to know where it came from and how I got it....
So....talk to your daughter, get it out, and make sure she knows that this is a private matter that is not to be discussed with anyone else.
Well I survived the appointment today. It was different than I expected and definately different than with the last person I attempted to meet with. I really expected him to judge me, to tell me that I have to quit cutting, and tell me how wrong I am to be doing this sort of thing at my age. He didn't, in fact he really didn't push me to talk about anything I was not ready for. He wants me to talk to my PCP since he is the one that put me on AD's that I quit taking, he asked for permission to discuss my medications with him. In general the only thing I really was uncomfortable with was all the positive things he would say. I know it is his job to help me see to good not just the bad but I sort of felt like if he really knew me he wouldn't say all those nice things, but I controlled myself and rather than handling the way I normally do with people that I am scared of like I was tonight, I didn't just start telling him the really horrible stuff in order to overwhelm or completely disgust him in to not wanting to see me again.
I have another appointment scheduled in just under two weeks and then another appointment after that, I think he could tell that if I didn't commit to that much I might not be back. He really wants me to talk to my PCP but I told him it was unlikely that would happen before the appointment I have scheduled with him in 3 weeks. He didn't try to force the issue which was good. I came away with a lot to process which is good so now I just have to do so without the walls closing in on me.