So I have had 24 hours to think about what I said in my appointment with the pdoc last night, to think about what he said and to once again turn my life upside down. He started throwing out terms and phrases for things that while I understand them are not something I have ever associated with me and find that I am really not comfortable with having them associated with me. He used words like comorbitity, chemical abuse, dysthemia, PTSD, avoidance, hyperawareness, guardedness, and several other terms that made me feel like I am so screwed up it is a miracle that I am able to function everyday. Add all of this to the fact that I am coping by self-injury regularly I swear I thought he was going to tell me that he was having me committed. He certainly wasn't comfortable with the idea of me leaving the office with out several committed appointments.
In his perfect world I would quit drinking, I would quit using prescription pain killers to not only numb the physical but also the mental pain, that I would stop using food as a comfort mechanism, that I will find some other device other than cutting that helps me to cope but it can't be any of the previously mentioned bad things and I learn normal basic coping methods. I really don't know but this is probably not the week to see if I can break free from my existing coping mechanisms as my mom is putting things in place for the upcoming year that was supposed to be a great celebration of my parent's 50th anniversary which is forever now tainted by her diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer. This requires tweeking the plans we had for their actuall anniversary celebration in May followed by two granddaughters graduating on the same weekend two weeks later in two different cities and figuring out how to get a parent that will have just finished 12 weeks of chemo and a high intensity twice a day 5 day treatment of radiation before all of this starts. How do I cope with all of this? How do I cope with the feelings I have as I struggle to deal with the impact of all of this on my relationship with my mother which is if described by others would at best be socialble and friendly. Sorry my spelling sucks but tonight I just feel like disappearing. I got hit by my daughter that she is $500 short in her fundraising efforts for her spring break research trip (not including spending money) that I need to develop an address list to identify how many graduation announcments will be sent, how many people will be invited to the open house party afterwards and the lovely bombshell of the week her dad is asking for her blessing to ask his girlfrined of six months to marry him. I don't know why this is bothering me because I want him to be happy I think it is a matter of I'm not and that bothers me.
Sorry, Kat I won't call this screaming at you but more at the world in general. I have one boss - supporter geting ready to resign, one boss - big supporter but is not running unopposed in the election for the board of directors. The one person in the world that I want to trust I know I can't trust because to do so would ruin so many lives and friendships. I recieved my STD check in the mail this week for my most recent surgery and now I stare at the check wishing it would multiply because I have more uses for it than I have money. Where do I spend the money? How do I spend the money. Of all the things that I need to pay off and do which will have the longest best solution for my family.
I am a complete mess, I left after an hour last night wishing he had another 5 hours to talk to me, to begin to make progress, to make me feel comfortable so that I don't sit here a day later and wonder, what didi he really think? What will he say if he calls my primary care doctor. Panic and fear are setting in and I want to hide, so I pull out 3 beers and drink them on an empty stomach to see if that can fix things but I know where I am headed to the only task that provides the complete and utter freedom from everything as the walls close in around me.
Okay my friend, don't be shocked but all that your feeling is perfectly normal.....once you make that first step and go to the pdoc and they start throwing out all those big scary words that make us sound like total mental cases....it scares the total crap out of us. Because then we actually have to start dealing with this stuff....we have to pull all the "big scaries" out of the boxes we have them shoved neatly into in the back of our minds and start working on them.....dealing with the issues, fixing the problems....so that we can learn other coping mechanisms besides drinking, or popping a few pills or binge eating or cutting.....And the hard part it....the pdoc knows all this...even before we walk in that room, he knows "us" the basic makeup of us, he knows what we do, how we cope, how we run from the problems....and he knows what we have to do to start fixing things...so when he starts tossing out all those words....yeah it makes us want to run for the hills.
All the other stuff, your mom's health, your daughter's lack of money, your ex getting re-married, the boss situation....that's just life stuff....that's always going to be there and we have to learn how to deal with that also, without drinking or cutting....we have to learn other skills and coping mechanism's that let us make it through the day without totally losing it.
Your pdoc didn't make you "make all those appts" because he thinks your totally insane, he made you do it, because he knew if you left the office with just a "oh I'll call and set something up later", odds were, you wouldn't do it. He was being a good doc. Don't worry about what he thinks of you...he's not there to judge you, he's there to help you figure things out and figure out ways to solve the problems without causing yourself more damage in the process.
Once again, just remember..don't try to tackle everything at once....you can't, it's impossible....one thing at a time...that's all you can do...one thing at a time.
Hang in there girl, your doing good, and you've got this, your going to be fine...your smart, strong, and willing to do what it takes....that's a great combination when it comes to getting better.
Kat I am scared, I don't know what to do. I know that I signed the permission slip authorizing the pdoc to talk to my pcp about limited things including current medications and recommendations but now I am freaking out. My appointment was monday, on Tuedsday I called the pharmacy for refills on my three maintenance medications. One still had refills the other two needed doctor approval. I went to the pharmacy tonight when they were supposed to have been completed by noon today and only on med had been refilled - my thryroid meds. The other two my sleeping pills and my migraine meds had yet to be refilled. I don't know what to do, they said they are still waiting to hear from my doctor but I am terrified that he is not going to refill them. I can get through to day and tomorrow with the sleeping pills but then I am out. I have been out of my migraine meds for over a week already and have suffered 4 our the last 7 days popping ibuprophen and tylenol in altnerating cycles to get through the days. What if what ever my pdoc said to my pcp has convinced him not to refil my meds how would I ever know? I know that he is going to be on vacation next week so if he doesnt give authorization before the weekend I will be out of luck for at least another week.
I don't know whether to call the pdoc and find out if/when he talked to my pcp and what was said. I need my meds, I can't go for two more weeks before I see the pcp to get this straightened. I feel as though the pdoc sold me and raised concerns with his big fancy terms that has my doc reconsidering helping me and if that is the case how the hell am I supposed to continue down this path, If I can't trust eithere one of them I am screwed.
Hey, take a deep breath and calm down....your letting your mind play major games with your head. tomorrow morning call your pcp and simply ask why your migraine and sleeping meds haven't been refilled yet? Ask calmly, talk like a normal, rational person, don't go all psycho crazy on them. Explain that they should have been filled 2 days ago and you've been having migraines because your out of your meds. That's all you have to do. Don't do this wondering if one doc has sold you out to another thing...that is not a game you want to start playing with yourself, you will drive yourself nuts! There is nothing wrong with calling your PCP's office and enquiring about your med refills, it's a perfectly normal thing to do, that tons of patients do every day of the week. They'll tell you what the deal it....odds are it's just a mistake and something got overlooked, unfortunately that happens everyday of the week also.
Try not to panic, try to do some deep breathing and relaxation excercises tonight....take a long hot bath....get some sleep...and just don't worry about it.
Hang in there....you can make it until the morning.
Well I hung in, I ended up seeing the PCP on friday to antibiotics for the respritory virus I have been fighting all week. I asked if he had talked to anyone about me this week and he LIED and said NO. I know he lied because he then asked to see my arms and when I asked for refills on my meds he told me he was only going to give me a months worth this time with no refills. He has always giving me 3-4 refills on the sleeping pills. When I asked him why, he said it is because he likes me too much and we would discuss the meds at my upcoming appointment in Feb.
I am upset because, if he hasn't talked to the pdoc why wouldn't he be doing business as usual, and if he has why wouldn't he tell me. If I can't trust him I don't know what I am going to do I just want to cry.
I'm not sure what to tell you here...I'm not sure that he lied to you....I am sure that he realizes that your cutting more and more and he's worried about you...because just because I warned you in the first place he can't be your friend/PCP/amateaur shrink at the same time...and that's what he's trying to do. He's concerned about giving you a large supply of sleeping pills because he's worried that your getting suicidal and NO doc wants a suicidal patient having a large amount of sleeping pills hanging around. Because as usual he as a PCP does not know the difference between self harm and suicidal....and there is a big difference. So, don't go off the deep end and just assume he's lieing to you, because I highly doubt he is...I think the lack of meds is for a totally different reason. Did he give you your migraine meds for the month? I hope so.
What you need to do right now is quit worrying about the PCP and what he thinks, that relationship for the time being needs to go back to just being a professional Dr./patient relationship, it's too stressful and too much work on you otherwise. Right now you need to concentrate on you and your Pdoc and working on that relationship....you need to get invested in working on yourself and your issues and learning how to handle your day to day stress and the not so "day to day" stuff with other coping skills.....the pdoc can help you with that if you'll let him. Quit panicking and freaking out and worrying about what doc is talking to whom.....WHO CARES???? It's not like either one of them don't know that you cut.....it's not a big secret....
Just go to your PCP for your medical stuff, and that's it. And why do you care if he's only giving you 1 month of sleeping pills at a time...you don't need anymore than a month at a time anyways.
Go to your pdoc for your mental/SH stuff, and let him do his job and help you work out your issues and the cutting.....
Yes he gave me my migraine meds for another month and as for the rest your right I have to just step away and realize he can’t be my doctor and my friend. The thing is I think I already knew that, I also knew the minute he first saw the cuts it was over and he really can’t be either. He knows too many of my secrets to be my friends and too many of my secrets to be my doctor. As for the pdoc it doesn’t matter what he thinks because I know what I need to do. I had a rough fall and holiday season but now it’s time to grow up. I have a job to do, kids to take care of and bills to pay. This touchy feely woe is me time is over. Thinking about or talking about my past isn’t going to change it and it isn’t going to make it better or make it go away and so life needs to move forward. Kat thank you for listening to my whining and freaking out but I’m done now, it is time to secure that mask back in place and that includes no more cutting because that just doesn’t go with my business suits. I am sorry I took your time I hope you continue to stay strong.
Tears I'm always here for you, when I support someone, esp. a fellow self harmer, I don't go away. I'm glad that you've made these decisions....but just don't be too hard on yourself if the cutting and such don't stay locked in the box your trying to put them in....they have a way of rearing their ugly heads, especially when you try to do it with no support.
I'm always around if you need to talk. I wish you well.
Okay, so I have made it 10 days since I saw the pdoc, I have not freaked out, much. I have made it 5 days without cutting. I won't say that I have made it the same amount of time without other assistance but I have reduced rather than increased my drinking - not eliminated but at most 1-2 drinks a night
I had to cancel my pdoc appt for this weekend - yes I know that sounds like a cop out but my daughter is performing in her final show choir contest and begged me to attend. I am trying really hard to keep things as normal as possible while I get my act together so I rescheduled my appt. That almost scares me more than if I had kept the appt because I am now scheduled for next saturday and then 5 days later is the second appt that was scheduled at our first appt. it feels like that is really close together but I am determined that unless he wants to change it I am going to make it happen.
I didn't think I would ever come back here but while I was challenging myself to grow up and get over it I realized a couple of things. First, as a grown up I should be mature enough to not only know when I need help but to get off my butt and get it when I do. Second, I realized that even when I get help I am going to need someone to talk to that understands how it feels when I SH and knows that while it may seem illogical how and why it helps. The last thing I realized is that I don't know anyone else that cuts and especially that cuts as an adult, if anything my own research on the internet taught me most of the literature and information is aimed at reaching out to and helping teens. This board helps me to feel less like a freak because you accept the fact that I am an adult and sometimes how I cope with emotions, lack of control, stress and a myriad of other things is different than most people. Thank you everyone that has read this and my other posts, Thank you everyone that has reached out to me and most of all KAT, thank you for not getting mad and telling me off when I threw a hissy and decided I could just go it alone because that is what I have always done. What is it they say Do it the way you always have and you will get what you have always got. Well I want to get something different this time so I am changing the way I do things and if that means asking for professional help I am going to do it.
Hey girl, I'm your biggest fan! You've come so far in such a short amount of time, I'm way impressed, way impressed. I am so glad that you've made the all important decision not to leave this place. It s a very important tool for folks like us, because like you said, it's not like we can talk to the "normies" about our problems, right?
Keep your rescheduled pdoc appt and go...and continue to go, those are going to be appt.s you'll be going to for a long while....there's a lot of stuff brewing around in that mind of yours and it will take some time to get it all straightened out...but the good point is your way ahead of the game, because you've figured that out already!
Once you get comfy with the pdoc and things settle down at home, you might think of looking into a teens center, see if they need any help or volunteers. You've got some smarts and places like that are always looking for smart folks who can help the next generation not quite be as obstinate as we are, you know?
Stay in touch! I have a feeling you and I will be good friends!