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tearsnfears · 02-07-2012, 08:49 PM

It's been 10 days since the last time I cut and I can do is fight the urge. This week has been highly stressful causing me to force myself to stay busy or constantly be in the company of others. Last night I got off work early and was so freaked out I baked a cake and two loaves of banana bread to try and get my mind off of things. Today I am sitting at work and I get a phone call that just adds to everything as the doctors now think my grandmother has metastatic cancer which goes right along with my mother's diagnosis of breast cancer the end of december and my cousin dying of cervical cancer this past weekend. Yes I know that everyone has stress in their lives but all I want to do is drain the pain that seems to be filling me up and drowning me from the inside out.

I have an appointment with the pdoc on Saturday but it is only our second appt. so I am not comfortable with him yet and I just feel like if I could just cut once it would help so much but I know I wouldn't stop if I gave myself permission to start. I feel so overwhelmed I don't know when or if I would stop so I have to fight it back and find other ways to beat back the urge.

flamesabers · 02-09-2012, 11:06 AM

Hello tearsnfears.

I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a difficult week. Yes, it's true everyone has stress in their lives but I don't think that has anything to do with the fact that you've been feeling very stressed out. I hope you're able to find other ways to cope and that you feel comfortable enough telling your pdoc how you've been feeling this week.

tearsnfears · 02-10-2012, 11:11 PM

What is it about me that is so terrible that I can't even pay someone to listen to me? I tried meeting with a therapist last fall. I didn't work out, after completing 2 appointments our of 6 scheduled because he kept cancelling I decided that I needed someone that was going to be there for me not constantly come up with excuses not to see me. It took me nearly three months before I made an appointment with a new therapist/pdoc. This time I really thought it was going to work. I scheduled an appointment but 24 hours before the appointment he called me to reschedule the appointment. We set one for the next day that I would be available which was 3 weeks out. A few days before that appointment his office manager called me and said they had had a cancellation. He could see me that night but I had to decide immediately if I could make the appointment. Because I thought it was important and with everything I have been going through I took the appointment. From there we scheduled a seconded appointment. This time I had to reschedule due to family conflict that was a late addtion to the family schedule.Wee were rescheduled for one week later which was to be tomorrow. I have stressed over this appointment for weeks only to have him call me this evening and tell me that he has to go out of town. I appreciate the heads up as it is an hour drive each way. But I feel as though there is something catosraphically wrong with me since I reacenly told the guy about some of the issues that I have and I feel like he is abandoning me. We still have an appointment scheduled for next thurs which was to be our third appointment but I dont know if I can trust him know.

Trust is a big problem fo rme and out of 5 appointments scheduled only one has taken place the other is scheduled for next week. It's hard I feel defective like they have one appointment with me and feel as though I am such a hopeless cause that I am not worth their time. Do I give this guy a couple more shots? Do I just accept that there is no one out there that can deall with my issues?

flamesabers · 02-11-2012, 01:46 PM

I don't think your therapists' behavior has anything to do with you. Rather I think the therapists you've seen so far don't put much priority on honoring the appointments with their patients. I'm sure they wouldn't like it if you or another patient cancelled an appointment at the last minute. I see it as being a two-way street.

If these previous therapists thought they were unable to help you, I think the very least they could do is give you a referral to someone who could help you. It's quite unprofessional I think for them to ignore you even if they thought you were a hopeless case.

I suggest you do give your current therapist a few more visits and maybe next time you can discuss your feelings of being defective and see where it goes from there.

I think there is someone out there who can help you with your issues so please don't give up on it quite yet.

tearsnfears · 02-12-2012, 02:55 PM

thanks flame, its hard, I have self-esteem issues, trust issues and a whole host of other issues and I know I shouldn't take it personally because I realize that things come up but when I had to cancel I gave 5 days notice, I got less than 24 hours notice. I have been totally stressed all week. I saw my pcp this week and he put me on a new anti-depressant and a new migraine prophlactic. I will give this guy a couple more tries I just feel like we started out on a bad note and now I have to deal with additional trust issues that weren't there before.

flamesabers · 02-14-2012, 04:57 PM

I hope your new medication is working for you and that your next visit with your therapist will go alright.

tearsnfears · 02-15-2012, 04:54 PM

thanks, I haven't seen any difference with the meds other than loss of appetite. I go see the pdoc tomorrow if he doesn't cancel again although probably a good sign that his office called to confirm today. I know they say it can take up to six weeks for the meds to take effect but I am really hoping it is a lot sooner. I feel as though my mood is really beginning to effect the entire household and allof us are quiet, down and lethargic.

flamesabers · 02-19-2012, 08:32 PM

Hello tearsnfears.

Were you able to see your pdoc? I know it's still early for the meds to start working fully, but in the very least I hope you've regained your appetite.

tearsnfears · 02-20-2012, 07:46 PM

I feel as thought it has been forever since I started the meds. I met with the pdoc last week and while I am going back next week for another appointment he was really pushing me to talk about things I am not ready to talk about like on our second appt I am going to open up and tell him everything already. I know that is the point of our sessions but I don't feel as though I completely trust him yet so how the hell am I supposed to just bear my soul.

I had my evaluation at work today, my bosses (yes plural) were going around the table telling me what I need to do to improve and all I could think of was wanting to hurt myself. It wasn't a bad review I just was so stressed out that I was trying to stab myself under the table with my fingernails and I wanted a knife to cut myself with. Now I am at home and it is all I can do not to concentrate on the negative portions of the review and not the good things. I wish that the meds had showed a significant improvement because I am still realy down and having issues with getting out of bed.

flamesabers · 02-20-2012, 09:02 PM

I think it's rather unlikely to be able to completely trust someone after only a few visits. For me it wasn't until I've been seeing my therapist for about seven months that I felt comfortable enough sharing the details of my suicidal thoughts with him and even then it took a lot of courage to push myself to take that step. It took about another seven months before I told him about my history with self-injury.

I don't think your pdoc's attempts to push you to share more than you're willing is beneficial for you or him. I think for him acknowledging and respecting your feelings and boundaries should be a vital prerequisite to building a trusting relationship with you.

I hope you're able to spend some time focusing on the good parts of your review.

Phoenix · 02-27-2012, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tearsnfears

I met with the pdoc last week and while I am going back next week for another appointment he was really pushing me to talk about things I am not ready to talk about like on our second appt I am going to open up and tell him everything already. I know that is the point of our sessions but I don't feel as though I completely trust him yet so how the hell am I supposed to just bear my soul.

I had my evaluation at work today, my bosses (yes plural) were going around the table telling me what I need to do to improve .

Hello tearsnfears,

Sometimes a pdoc will press for information when they see an urgent situation but don't want to alarm the patient.
I also have trust and a host of other issues(disorders) that i'm working on so I sort of know where you're coming from.

I trust other therapists that my pdoc has me see when she's on vacation but so much.
The reason I tend to fully disclose things isn't out of trust but a genuine desire to get my issues off my chest,for i've allowed them to fester for so long.
This festering has worn me down to my bare essentials and it's more of a self-preservation thing.In my mind I say "what's the worse this person can do if I disclose my innermost thoughts?"

That's not to say that everything comes out all at once but I make the attempt to inform the individual of as much as my mind will allow........at the end of the session I explain how difficult it was for me,due to my issues,to explain my psychological pain.

If I get a "dear caught in the headlights" look from them,it's then I feel like crap because I shared so much but I now realize I may have to do it again and yet again,until something "clicks."

Timing,at times,is everything and you being judged by your bosses doesn't help at all;not at this point in time anyway.
It may provide the illusion,especially if you have trust issues,that you are being judged on more of a personal level and if not,at the very least,leaves a person feeling vulnerable.

I truly hope that you can see at least a little of what i've tried to explain;you're not alone.

Sincerely
Phoenix

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