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Old 02-28-2012, 01:45 AM   #1
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Unhappy starting to hit the crisis point :0(

Hey...

I have been cutting for about ten years and have had mamy cycles of this behaviour and it seems like its coming back... i have been cutting on and off these past few weeks... im thinking about cutting and suicide daily... almost to an obsession which is starting to scare me... because of my intense paranoia... i have been stashing blades all over my room... so that my family cant find them... because when i got sent to the psych ward then later to the state psych hospital, my family took my dissecting kit... and its gotten to the point where i always keep a blade on me...and carry a mini first aid kit of bandagea,vloth to wipe blood, as well as gauze... and i carry some of the pills i have been stashing for that moment of crisis... my psyciatrist doesnt know it has escalated to this... im scared to tell him... i cant end up at the psych ward or even worse... the state psych hosp... even going to the psych er is out of the question... they always send me to the psych ward... im in school now... i cant afford to take yet another medical leave... i have taken three already... im doing awesome in my two classes... i dont want to ruin that again... and im on the honors society at my college...

I dont know what to do... im supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow... but had to cancel because of a last minute gyn appointment... that i really needed to do... i called my psychs office and cellphone... left a message on both but havent heard back...

I dont know what to do... im so miserable... so depressed and suicidal... and just an emotional wreck...

Any advice or comments are welcome... i just dont know what to do
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:31 AM   #2
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Re: starting to hit the crisis point :0(

Hello greenstumpie,

First of all,let me say that i'm sorry you're having such a rough go of things.Your success in school(intellect) seems to be clashing with the ritualistic(psychological/emotional).

Intellectually,I believe you know that the right thing to do is seek help and I realize that when the emotional is introduced,it has a tendency to overpower most of the time.

I get it;honestly.

I understand also that you are doing exceedingly well with your courses,which is something to be proud of.

Your quality of life is what concerns me.Living on the edge isn't really living at all but merely existing.

I am hearing that you want better for yourself and know that I want for you the same thing that you do;a life self injury free.

As this cannot be an immediate reality,I ask you to seriously consider getting help yet again,in an inpatient setting.

Yes,you've been there before but try to prepare yourself to do something differently this time.Use that intellect to look at your behaviors and attempt to muster up the courage that I know you possess deep down.

Before you do so,might I suggest having a heart-to-heart with your therapist.I mean one of these "soul searching i've discovered an epiphany" sessions that gets all the parameters covered.Tap into that intellect;I believe you can do it.

Here's the thing;it's not what I believe but what you do that will dictate your next move.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste and at times we'll have to re-invent ourselves.

Know that i'm in your corner;cheering and rooting for you greenstumpie.

Life dictates the play and we must play to win;why run a race just to come in second place?(Food for thought)

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 02-28-2012 at 06:36 AM.

 
Old 02-28-2012, 07:40 AM   #3
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Re: starting to hit the crisis point :0(

Hello greenstumpie.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling quite miserable.

Have you given medication and therapy a try to see if that helps to improve your mood?

In regards to having suicidal thoughts I think your pdoc will be most concerned with whether you have plans/intentions to act on such thoughts and whether you will call for help if things take a turn for the worse. In order to get the most effective treatment I suggest telling your pdoc about how far your situation has escalated. I think the fact you're concerned about your schoolwork and that you're scared about the thoughts running through your mind shows you really do want to get through the problems you're facing.

Something you may want to consider is going into an intensive outpatient program. With such a program you can maximize your treatment and still be able to attend school.

 
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