Re: Down this road again...
What do I say, I met up with a friend this past weekend and tried to get high because I wanted to forget my life, thing is he got high and all I got was this wide eyed realization that I cant escape my life. My life which sucks. Right now my job has me dealing with issues that at best will ruin 1 person's career (by their own doing) and at worst ruin 3 people's career's because of the fall out. I don't have a choice but to proceed forward and see what the investigation will uncover but I hate that I may ruin the lives of friends.
My other friend has it so easy, he just goes to work every day and doesn't worry about the fact that he holds the lives of other people in his hands (because he doesnt anymore). Me, I want to cut, I want to self-medicate, I want to forget what is going on and disappear. I don't have that option, I have people coming to me to file formal complaints that will ruin the lives of people that I call friends. What really sucks is my pdoc is on vacation and even if he wasnt we aren't far enough in our relationship that I would feel comfortable calling him when I am falling apart. This past weekend when I should have called instead of doing dope to forget I had my life to deal with instead of the joint I had in my hand. I want to cut but I am afraid of what that says about me, I have to go see my parents in a couple of days and I generally survive that through pain killers and anti-anxiety meds. How do I fall apart yet remain whole on the outside so that I can manage life as I know it?