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Old 03-08-2012, 07:01 PM   #1
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Down this road again...

5 weeks and 3 days and then, I sat there last night wanting to disappear, wanting to feel some other kind of pain, wanting, wishing I was normal like other people. Wanting some day to be happy but knowing this is unlikely to happen. Why am I like this? Why does it help to feel the pain on the outside when I feel so much pain on the inside.

 
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:22 PM   #2
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Re: Down this road again...

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Originally Posted by tearsnfears View Post
Why does it help to feel the pain on the outside when I feel so much pain on the inside.
Tears,

Internal pain is an abstract concept while external pain is visible;feeling something is one extreme but feeling and seeing is something entirely different.
Metaphorically,the internal pain is supposed to present itself externally through self injury but this is just an illusion;a means of both coping and making sense of it all.
It's a deep concept;as are the physical remains externally.
I pray for help for all concerned.

Truthfully and Sincerely
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 03-08-2012 at 08:25 PM.

 
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:48 PM   #3
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Re: Down this road again...

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Originally Posted by tearsnfears View Post
Why does it help to feel the pain on the outside when I feel so much pain on the inside.
Hello tearsnfears.

I think the external pain can function as a distraction from the internal pain. And despite incurring more pain, you may feel a little better because at least you have control over when and how you feel the external pain versus the internal pain you're struggling to cope with.

 
Old 03-19-2012, 08:59 PM   #4
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Re: Down this road again...

What do I say, I met up with a friend this past weekend and tried to get high because I wanted to forget my life, thing is he got high and all I got was this wide eyed realization that I cant escape my life. My life which sucks. Right now my job has me dealing with issues that at best will ruin 1 person's career (by their own doing) and at worst ruin 3 people's career's because of the fall out. I don't have a choice but to proceed forward and see what the investigation will uncover but I hate that I may ruin the lives of friends.

My other friend has it so easy, he just goes to work every day and doesn't worry about the fact that he holds the lives of other people in his hands (because he doesnt anymore). Me, I want to cut, I want to self-medicate, I want to forget what is going on and disappear. I don't have that option, I have people coming to me to file formal complaints that will ruin the lives of people that I call friends. What really sucks is my pdoc is on vacation and even if he wasnt we aren't far enough in our relationship that I would feel comfortable calling him when I am falling apart. This past weekend when I should have called instead of doing dope to forget I had my life to deal with instead of the joint I had in my hand. I want to cut but I am afraid of what that says about me, I have to go see my parents in a couple of days and I generally survive that through pain killers and anti-anxiety meds. How do I fall apart yet remain whole on the outside so that I can manage life as I know it?

 
Old 03-21-2012, 04:49 PM   #5
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Re: Down this road again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by tearsnfears View Post
How do I fall apart yet remain whole on the outside so that I can manage life as I know it?
Something my therapist told me is it can be easier to handle our specific roles in life such as a job than to manage the bigger and more complicated issues such as being happy with who we are. I think something else to consider is it can be easier to mask our pains and struggles than it is to deal with such problems.

Wanting to cut I don't think says anything bad about you. I think it only indicates you're feeling a lot of stress right now and it's the best coping mechanism you are most familiar with.

 
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