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Old 03-24-2012, 11:16 PM   #1
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it's all I can do

to not walk into my bedroom and cut and cut and release the pain that seems to be building inside me. I have texted my pcp, I have written on these boards, I have looked at and talked to my son but all I want to do is cut until the pain disapears yet I know that no matter what I do the pain won't disapear. I have called my pdoc, I have tried to reach out to my pdoc. my son is in bed my daughter on her well deserved spring break trip and after 4 days with my mother and sister all I want to do is cry, scream, yell and cut. My therapist/pdoc is on vacation until thursday and even if he wasn't our relationship is new enough that I don't have any numbers for him other than his practice numbers and I won't contact him that way when I am in the shape that I currently am.
I want pain, I want to feel and yet to not feel the blood as it drips from my veins. No one knows how sick I am, how preverted I am, how wrong it is that I not only want to feel the pain, but see the blood, to know that my blood is weeping from my veins. I hate this and yet I drive myself to this point with no excape.

 
Old 03-25-2012, 08:02 AM   #2
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Re: it's all I can do

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Originally Posted by tearsnfears View Post
all I want to do is cut until the pain disapears yet I know that no matter what I do the pain won't disapear. .
Hello tearsnfears,

It's a plus that you can identify that the pain won't disappear once the act is performed....
If only there were something that could cause a distraction long enough to divert the attention away until the feeling subsides.

Medications help take away certain urges in conjunction with intense therapy(two or more weekly sessions)may be what is necessary to help decrease the anxiety associated with the thoughts.

It's worth considering and nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 03-25-2012, 01:25 PM   #3
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Re: it's all I can do

Quote:
Originally Posted by tearsnfears View Post
No one knows how sick I am, how preverted I am, how wrong it is that I not only want to feel the pain, but see the blood, to know that my blood is weeping from my veins. I hate this and yet I drive myself to this point with no excape.
Hello tearsnfears.

I don't think you're sick or perverted.

I think it can be best to try to contact your pdoc when you feel you're at your absolute worse. In the very least he'll be aware you're doing worse and not better.

 
Old 03-30-2012, 09:58 PM   #4
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Re: it's all I can do

sorry I dropped out for a few days have been away for work with no internet access but on the positive side no access to anything I could use to cut with. on the other hand I have I have engaged in major reckless every day for a week including excessive alcohol abuse, prescription drug abuse and reckless sexual behavior with complete stranger. Now I am home and trying to convince myself that the near constant panic attacks I am having are withdrawl symptoms. That the my insomnia, bouncing off the walls, suicidal thoughts, lack of focus, memory loss etc are the results of stopping cold turkey a neurological medicine for my chronic migraines. Here's the thing I just called my pcp to see what he thought and got blown off, okay not blown off just told that my dosage was too low for withdrawl and here I sit still wanting to cut, cut and feeling like I am crazy. A week ago I told him I was considering an inpatient program I don't think he took me seriously. I don't know if it is because as a friend he doesn't see me as that fallible or he just doesn't understand what I am going through because he hasn't seen me personally. I can't fight this anymore.

I know I posted on another board last week about how bad I have been but I live in a rather remote area, intensive outpatient programs aren't an option because the closest one is two hours a way, hell the closest inpatient program is two hours away, I have tried, tonight, I just want to make it through the next 24 hours an hour at a time.

 
Old 03-31-2012, 04:50 AM   #5
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Re: it's all I can do

Quote:
Originally Posted by tearsnfears View Post
I have engaged in major reckless every day for a week Here's the thing
I just called my pcp to see what he thought and got blown off, okay not blown off just told that my dosage was too low for withdrawl and here I sit still wanting to cut, cut and feeling like I am crazy. A week ago I told him I was considering an inpatient program I don't think he took me seriously. I don't know if it is because as a friend he doesn't see me as that fallible or he just doesn't understand what I am going through because he hasn't seen me personally. I can't fight this anymore.
tearsnfears,

I'm taking you serious because inner turmoil is evident.
Let's chalk up the last week to a series of experiences that can be learned from.

When one feels that they're at the end of their metaphorical rope,I say tie a knot at the end and hold on; for dear life.

Each day will be met with its' own challenges and this will undoubtably alter our moods.

If you want to get to point B(recovery),you first have to begin at point A.
Point A is that place where intellect and real life issues stem from.

It's not mind over matter but it's your mind that truly matters.
Let's try to take the emotional aspect of this out of the equation(for the moment) and view from it an intellectual standpoint....
What are you prepared to do in order for a better quality of living to be even remotely visible?

I'm not trying to pressure you in any way,shape or form;I ask out of true concern.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:39 AM   #6
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Re: it's all I can do

What am I willing to do. I think I already am doing all I can on my own. First, I got rid of everything I can cut with, second I have appts scheduled this week with both my pcp and my pdoc. Third, I have limited my access to other harmful meds and only kept what I need to get me through the week (one sleeping pill for each night, my AD meds for each day, my headache meds for each day only) in the house both dr appts are the same day so that helps. from them I am going to get serious, what we have been doing thus far the past few months isn't working, I need something more and I need your - the dr's help to get it.

That is what I am prepared to and am doing. I can't get out of this hole by myself or even with the support I get on here. I need real time help and support and they need to help me get it.

 
Old 03-31-2012, 09:43 AM   #7
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Re: it's all I can do

Hello tearsnfears.

It's good to hear you're being proactive with trying to improve your situation. I hope your doctors really listen to you and are helpful with increasing your treatment.

 
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