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Old 04-22-2012, 09:04 PM   #1
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back again

Here I am again, with no where else to go, wishing for nothing more than to take something sharp and cut, I am so lacking in coping ability and devices right now I am afraid to go out in the garage because I would give just about anything to feel some other kind of pain right now than what I am in. Alcohol isn't working to help me numb the pain, push the emotions away or just even relax me enough to put me to sleep. I haven't slept more than 4 continuous hours in two months most nights thats all I get. My headaches are so bad I have had two trips to the ER in the past month and that is as much as I have been to the ER for my headaches in the past 10 years and it is because the stress in my life is so overwhelming I don't know where up starts and sideways ends.

The thing is I can't let myself cut, I have a major life event in two weeks, there will be no way to explain cuts on my body at that event so I have to fight the temptation, so I bottle things up, I attempt to use other coping mechanisms, I have tried ice, I have tried red pens, I have tried alcohol and marijuana. I have tried prescription pain killers but I can't seem to escape the demons in both my mind and my daily life that are making crazy.

I have an appointment this week with my pdoc, but getting to then, I am under intense pressure at work along with media scrutiny and I am falling apart. I tried to cry this evening and I couldn't even do that right because after just a couple of tears it was as if a drought had occured and it was just this soul deep sadness but no waterworks.

I have all these things going on that have me feeling as though I am under complete scrutiny and I feel as though I am counting down the days until I am able to cut again without worrying about all of that scrutiny

 
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:05 AM   #2
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Re: back again

Tears,

Are you on a daily migraine preventative for your headaches and do you have a migraine onset med? If not, I would highly recommend going to you Dr. and talking to her about Topomax for prevention and either a Triptan or Axert for the onset. Dealing with constant headache pain can exacerbate stress and blow it up. The drinking, dope and pain killers are a bad idea, the last thing you want to deal with right now is an addiction problem....you've got enough problems on your plate don't add another.

I really think that if you could get these headaches under control that your daily life and stress would be easier to manage.

Take care,

Kat

 
Old 04-23-2012, 09:05 PM   #3
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Re: back again

Kat,

I am on Topamax as well as Cymbalta, Abilify, Ambien, Levothyroxian and Stadol and Xanax PRN for the headaches as abortives, pain control and to control panic attacks. For my age I am a walking pharmacy. I know that things will get better sooner rather than later, I am counting down the days to my vacation in June not just because it is a vacation but because it will be the first time in 10 weeks that I will have had a break between my work life and my personal life. I have been in the process of planning or helping to plan two major life events that will take place within two weeks of each other since January and no I didn't have a choice in either date and neither really did the other party I am helping plan for. Add that to a major cluster _u_k at work that is the result of someone elses incompetence but I am left to clean up in a very public forum and because of my job I am not even sure some of the stuff I can discuss under the cover of privilege with my pdoc so where does that leave me but with no one to talk to and seeking other outlets.

I know I don't want to deal with an addiction issue I suppose I should say that fortunately I don't see that becoming an issue because to be quite honest I stumbled on to the marijuana by luck and have absolutely no idea how I would go about getting more and the pain killers were left from a surgery so pretty sure not going to be able to get more. The migraine prescription for stadol is closely monitored with limited refills from my doc per year so I guard it and don't abuse it because it is worth its weight in gold to me to be able to alleviate the pain even for a few hours sometimes.

The alcohol, that is more a crutch than an addiction, one or two drinks a night and I tell myself that maybe someday I will just keep drinking but I know better, for one, I have been there, I know alcohol can make the headaches worse if I drink very much, two I can't afford to drink very much, and three I really don't like the taste of most alcohol so I have a drink or two because well that is what I have taught myself to do when I come home from work, it is a habit. One that needs to be broken but not an addiction.

 
Old 04-23-2012, 09:28 PM   #4
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Re: back again

Well you don't have to worry about Stadol it's not a narcotic and generally doesn't get abused much since it really doesn't do much along with it's sister med Tordal. You might still want to talk to your doc about changing up your migraine meds. Ambien can cause migraines, hallucinations, amnesic states and induce stress. Cymbalta and Abilify are rarely used for migraine control as Cymbalta is an SSNRI Anti-depressant and Abilify is an Anti-Psychotic and they both cause headaches, can cause manic tendencies, increased stress, etc. Do you go to a Neurologist for your Migraines? Because your doc is treating them with a lot of off label meds that don't particularly help headaches. If a Dr. puts you on tons of meds for something and that something is not getting better you have to be your own advocate and stand up for yourself.

Kat

 
Old 04-24-2012, 07:19 AM   #5
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Re: back again

Actually Stadol is an opiate narcotic so I am careful with it. and it doesnt get abused much it is because it doesnt get prescribed much. Never in my research have I found that ambien can cause migraines I will definately look into that. I have taken it consistently for insomnia for 4 years. the cymbalta and ablify are both new for dysthimia trying to stop more the suicidal ideation and cutting than the migraine pain. I have taken celexa, wellbutrin, prozac, fluoxitine and a whole host of other AD's to control my depression over the years. To say none work would seem obvious

 
Old 04-25-2012, 03:40 AM   #6
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Re: back again

I can't believe that there just might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Two of the issues that have been causing me the biggest amounts of stress miraculously seemed to have reached a point of resolution yesterday. One is resolved the other I hope to either put to bed today or will become someone elses stressor for the next several weeks while they consider their options. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. I also after more research think I may have finally identified THE trigger for my migraines. If this is the case, while it won't be easy to eliminate the item from my life the trade off will be worth it. As a result starting this morning I begin a food diary and label check for meals and will try to eliminate the item/s for 10 days and see what happens.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 01:59 PM   #7
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Re: back again

Sounds like things are definitely looking up! I'm happy for you, you deserve a break!

kat

 
Old 04-25-2012, 02:05 PM   #8
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Re: back again

Can I ask what the item is that you think is triggering your migraines? As a 10 year sufferer of cluster migraines I'm always interested in any migraine prevention or possible trigger I can find. I avoid the general standards, but am willing to try whatever it takes.

If your not comfortable naming it, no biggy, I understand.

Kat

 
Old 04-25-2012, 08:39 PM   #9
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Re: back again

Sure you can ask, what I think the trigger is for me is a wheat intolerance. I have had an allergy to wheat dust since I was a child bad enough that as a wheat farmers daughter I could not work in the fields or do the laundry during harvest time without risk for going into anaphlayxic shock (spelling way off) but have been able to eat items that contain wheat without any real "allergic reaction" now I wonder if my migraines which I have suffered from since my teen years are in fact my bodies "allergic reaction" to wheat products not just wheat dust. I have had problems in the past with "organic" wheat products but I just assumed that was because of the way they were made not a wheat allergy because it was always from small farmers market type bakeries.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 09:17 PM   #10
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Re: back again

Have you been tested for Cyliac Disease? I don't eat much wheat or grains really, I'm not a big carb eater, but thanks for sharing that with me.

kat

 
Old 04-26-2012, 07:57 PM   #11
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Re: back again

No I haven't, I am trying my theory on my own before I go to my PCP with this. I don't think it is celiac because I don't have the majority of the symptoms but it could be an intolorance or allergy which is different from celiac according to my research. Interestingly, I wasnt thinking today and had an enchilada at the mexican restaurant and added some extra stress to my life and boom migraine so now I am really curious. Problem for me is even with the couple of good days I have had this week today has totally sucked and I just want to cut but cant.

 
Old 04-26-2012, 10:11 PM   #12
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Re: back again

That's the thing I've always felt so infuriatingly frustratingly about cutting...the compulsion is so strong, and it takes such little things to set it off, and there just aren't many things you can do in it's place that fight the compulsion and help you gain peace and calmness. Since cutting releases that endorphin rush and that's where the calm feelings come from...there's just not much you can do to make your body mimic that.

Hang in there, the weeks almost over and hopefully you can get some rest and less stress this weekend.

Kat

 
Old 05-01-2012, 06:25 PM   #13
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Re: back again

well, life sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The guy I was starting to see hasn't called or texted in a week, the guy I have had a crush on for 6 years I just got his wedding announcement and yes I knew he was dating someone just not seriously. My ex is getting remarried totally stressed out about the rest of my life and feel like a complete and total failure.

 
Old 05-01-2012, 06:36 PM   #14
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Re: back again

Well I know I should say something, there are many little comments, but I also know to you there just going to be pithy and trite....so, I'm just going to say I'm sorry that all this is happening and I'm sorry that your having such a hard time. I know how you feel, my life is one disaster or tragedy after another, with no good times in between. I sincerely hope that things improve for you soon.

Kat

 
Old 05-01-2012, 08:44 PM   #15
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Re: back again

Thanks Kat, been sitting here trying a new coping mechanism. Rather than cutting I am wearing a rubber band. I move it up and down my arm and when I get the urge I snap it really hard. I can cause some of the pain that way without cutting. I am trying to remember to take things a step at a time. I scheduled a two week vacation starting memorial day weekend and informed work that not only am I not taking my laptop with me but I am turning my email off on my phone while I am gone. I don't care if I come back to 600 emails if I don't do this and really take some time for myself I will end up institutionalized

 
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