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Old 07-08-2012, 01:56 PM   #1
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... I still have bad days.

I JUST made this account to help me in my ongoing recovery as a self-harmer. I have self-harmed for over a decade as a way to deal with my emotional pain. I am getting better, but I am still having some very bad days. When I am bored my mind wanders to depressive and self-hating thoughts as a default. I am trying to distract and rewire my state of mind. At the moment, I am thinking self-abuse would make me feel better and make me feel like that would be a way to gain control of the emotional situation I am in. I know that my mind is lying to me and that it will gain control of nothing. It is like I there are two sides of me battling inside and my 'self' is caught in the middle. I guess I am looking for some advice.

 
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Old 07-08-2012, 03:13 PM   #2
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Re: ...I still have bad days.

Hello mindful7.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I think it's been about eight months since I last self-harmed. I still get the urge to cut though, especially when I feel I need to gain control over my emotions or the situation I'm in. I think the only advice I can offer in regards to recovering from self-injury is to remember the very bad days are temporary.

 
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Old 07-08-2012, 03:43 PM   #3
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Re: ...I still have bad days.

Thank you for replying. I know that it's temporary, kind of. Although, it seems that whatever mood I am in is the only mood that I can comprehend. Same goes for when I am feeling elated. There was a moment on the 4th of July when I was with my friends and the situation I was in led me to tears it was so wonderful. It was the first time in my life that I actually could take the love and appreciation they were giving me and I could feel it and not reject it and put a guard up. I typically feel like everyone's always lying to me when they tell me nice things, and I take hurtful things to heart and they stay there. However, I felt love for the first time and it felt overwhelming. I felt like I could finally love myself... However, now, I feel depressed and lonely and all I want to do is bleed and hurt. I wish I could comprehend more that it's only temporary, even though I know it is temporary, it doesn't FEEL temporary. I wish I could remain stable. I am just a wreck. Sometimes, it really feels more than I can take. I am a single mom, and all I want to do sometimes is sleep. Although, I can't just ignore my kid an go do that. I'm so stressed. I just want to bleed. The only thing that keeps me from doing it honestly is knowing that it will make my boyfriend really upset with me. I can't tell if that's good or bad.

 
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:00 PM   #4
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Re: ... I still have bad days.

I think becoming more emotionally resilient can be a process that takes time. Are you seeing a therapist?

 
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Old 07-09-2012, 06:06 AM   #5
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Re: ... I still have bad days.

Yeah. I see a therapist, get ECT treatments, and I am on medication as well.

 
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