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Old 07-14-2012, 05:35 PM   #1
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Unhappy This is hard to talk about... Read and reply?

Hi, this is my first post to this site (or any site) and I just signed up so that I could post about 10 minutes ago. My name is Kelli and I'm 18 living in New York State. I have a boyfriend of 9 months, but we've known each other for 6 years. He's so good to me, never done anything bad and I know how loved and cared about I am by him. My dad left my mom and me when I was just a baby, and I don't remember him at all. My mom's long term boyfriend (from when I was 3 until 11) left my mom for another woman, after having a baby with my mom three years prior. He was a severe alcoholic and died in 2009 from withdrawal seizures. He had them frequently and never got any type of help or rehabilitation. The reason I'm posting here is because I know I have a problem. I hit myself... a lot, and I can't even put my finger on why. I'm posting here because I've yet to really talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about my problem. I only hit myself when my boyfriend and I fight. Not because of the things he says to me, but because of how mad I get at myself for making him angry. He's never said once that he's going to leave me, but I get such an intense feeling that he's going to because of how hard I make things for us. I get upset about stupid BS and then I make him upset with me. I know I take things really far and I know that hitting myself isn't the thing to do. My boyfriend knows that I do and I've even done it in front of him. It scares him so much, and hurts him too. Whenever I've done it in front of him, he grabs me and holds me so I don't do it again, but I can't help but be even more angry at myself for hurting HIM while hurting myself. I just feel like a failure sometimes. I feel like I'm not myself when I do that. I feel like something comes over me that I can't control. I'm a really anxious person in general, and I get overly stressed out when things aren't going the way I planned. I really don't know why I get the way I do, but I know it needs to stop. I've given myself concussions by repeatedly smashing my head against walls, windows, metal, etc. I hit my legs occasionally as well. I just need someone's insight because I don't want to push my boyfriend away. He's my best friend, and the only one who knows about my problem. He's stood by me and been my biggest support. I want to get better so that we can have a healthier relationship, but more-over because I know that if I don't get better, I might hurt myself to the point of severe injury, or even death. That scares me more than I can even say.

 
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Old 07-15-2012, 02:51 AM   #2
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anaestmia HB User
Re: This is hard to talk about... Read and reply?

Hugs.

You're not alone here, and though I'm a newb here too, there are others in similar spots who will surely come out soon.
However, we can't help you get to the bottom of this. You are going to have to speak to a professional at some point.

 
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Old 07-18-2012, 07:54 AM   #3
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Re: This is hard to talk about... Read and reply?

Hello kell

You need to know that self injury is a wild animal to tame,for so many reasons.
What I need from you is to take a look at your situation and then contemplate therapy.
I am not going to give up on you;don't give up on yourself,ok?

Sincere words
Phoenix
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When in doubt, post it out.

 
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:52 PM   #4
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Re: This is hard to talk about... Read and reply?

I think you're holding a lot of anger inside you. That's why you lash out at yourself the way you do. Hitting is a form of self-harm. The pain you begin to feel while hitting yourself might take away the pain you were feeling prior. That's why people cut. A lot of people think people cut themselves to end their lives. If that were true why not just jump off a building or hang yourself or blow your head off? Because that's not always the reasons why people cut. They do it to numb the pain they're feeling. And also, to feel pain means you're alive so those who feel numb ALL THE TIME, cut themselves to "shock" themselves, so to speak. That way they come back to reality that they're very much alive. You hitting yourself is probably due to you holding a lot in. Speaking to a counselor is the first step. It's common sense you don't really want to hurt yourself because your last sentence says ..."I might hurt myself to the point of severe injury, or even death. That scares me more than I can even say." I think you're very strong and it's great you have a bf who is willing to support you. It's time to make a change.

 
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:14 AM   #5
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Nnavarro HB User
Re: This is hard to talk about... Read and reply?

Hi. I understand what you're saying completely. I feel the same way, like I'm a failure and just not good enough for some people. I'm 14 and have felt that way for over 4 years. I would cut myself and not eat for days hoping that I would feel better afterwards. But it never helped. But it got so bad that I couldn't stop even if I wanted to... And then I DIDN'T want to. What I'm getting at is that you just have to stay positive. It sounds like your boyfriend really loves you. And if you really love him (and it sounds like you do) then maybe you should consider getting help from a therapist. Now I know I'm only 14 and probably not the best person to be taking advice from, but I've been in therapy for over a year now and it seems to be getting me in the right state of mind step by step.
I new to this too, but I hope I helped!

 
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Old 09-29-2012, 10:15 AM   #6
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Nnavarro HB User
Re: This is hard to talk about... Read and reply?

Hi. I understand what you're saying completely. I feel the same way, like I'm a failure and just not good enough for some people. I'm 14 and have felt that way for over 4 years. I would cut myself and not eat for days hoping that I would feel better afterwards. But it never helped. But it got so bad that I couldn't stop even if I wanted to... And then I DIDN'T want to. What I'm getting at is that you just have to stay positive. It sounds like your boyfriend really loves you. And if you really love him (and it sounds like you do) then maybe you should consider getting help from a therapist. Now I know I'm only 14 and probably not the best person to be taking advice from, but I've been in therapy for over a year now and it seems to be getting me in the right state of mind step by step.
I new to this too, but I hope I helped!

 
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