Hi, this is my first post to this site (or any site) and I just signed up so that I could post about 10 minutes ago. My name is Kelli and I'm 18 living in New York State. I have a boyfriend of 9 months, but we've known each other for 6 years. He's so good to me, never done anything bad and I know how loved and cared about I am by him. My dad left my mom and me when I was just a baby, and I don't remember him at all. My mom's long term boyfriend (from when I was 3 until 11) left my mom for another woman, after having a baby with my mom three years prior. He was a severe alcoholic and died in 2009 from withdrawal seizures. He had them frequently and never got any type of help or rehabilitation. The reason I'm posting here is because I know I have a problem. I hit myself... a lot, and I can't even put my finger on why. I'm posting here because I've yet to really talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about my problem. I only hit myself when my boyfriend and I fight. Not because of the things he says to me, but because of how mad I get at myself for making him angry. He's never said once that he's going to leave me, but I get such an intense feeling that he's going to because of how hard I make things for us. I get upset about stupid BS and then I make him upset with me. I know I take things really far and I know that hitting myself isn't the thing to do. My boyfriend knows that I do and I've even done it in front of him. It scares him so much, and hurts him too. Whenever I've done it in front of him, he grabs me and holds me so I don't do it again, but I can't help but be even more angry at myself for hurting HIM while hurting myself. I just feel like a failure sometimes. I feel like I'm not myself when I do that. I feel like something comes over me that I can't control. I'm a really anxious person in general, and I get overly stressed out when things aren't going the way I planned. I really don't know why I get the way I do, but I know it needs to stop. I've given myself concussions by repeatedly smashing my head against walls, windows, metal, etc. I hit my legs occasionally as well. I just need someone's insight because I don't want to push my boyfriend away. He's my best friend, and the only one who knows about my problem. He's stood by me and been my biggest support. I want to get better so that we can have a healthier relationship, but more-over because I know that if I don't get better, I might hurt myself to the point of severe injury, or even death. That scares me more than I can even say.