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Old 11-14-2012, 09:08 PM   #16
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

Do you mind me asking how you've been on both sides of the situation & how it turned out?
I completely understand if you tell me no. I really don't know anything about either of these issues and my friend doesn't either. It's hard to try and offer advice to someone when you're clueless about the subject :/

 
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statikkat17 (11-15-2012)
Old 11-15-2012, 12:03 AM   #17
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

Hello, This post caught my eye, and I wanted to comment on the"coach" and K's relationship.

It sounds as if K is getting mixed messages from her mother, if she is not managing her cutting and eating disorder, while allowing this adult so much access to her daughter. This is no time for the mother to allow others to take the reins in her daughters life. It seems as if the mother could be in denial about how potentially serious this whole thing is for her daughter.

It sounds as if both the mother and daughter need to be under the guidance of a good therapist to help them navigate this phase of both their lives. It is high time the mother step into the drivers seat and take charge of this tragedy waiting to happen.

I applaud you for your concern for your friend and her daughter. The coach is just one too many right now, and her time and relationship with K should be limited to its best function, if there is one. Is this woman aware of K's issues, and her treatment?

It sounds as if K has never needed her mother more than she does right now in her life. Are you able to speak to K yourself privately and ask her if you can help? Maybe you could gain some idea about K's feelings and her idea of what her needs are.

Could there be trauma underlying all this that the mother is in denial over? Where is the father in the picture?

In this case, it is K who needs the attention from someone who can best help her through. I would really want to jump in and get some action going, if I could. Is that something you could do as well? I hope it does not take a horrible turn to get this young woman the help she needs. You sound like you have her best interest in mind. Please let us know what goes on from here. I can see how tricky this whole thing could be to get involved in, but you are laready involved...I think the answer is in your heart, and you just have to think about it to see the answer. Best to you...

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 03:17 AM   #18
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

I used to cut because i felt trapped by my family situation and the stress and pressure of my parents and teachers expecting too much of me. I didn't cut for very long, but I ended up getting into lots of fights with my parents, and my mum was one of the main reasons I would hurt myself (it was a twisted warped notion that i was getting back at her for all the emotional stress she caused me, and the clincher was that she didn't know anything about it), I had also suffered from anorexia in middle school and those tendencies pop up whenever i'm extremely stressed out or emotionally/mentally unstable or at my wits end. Soon after i stopped cutting I ended up being sent to the ER for suicide watch and all the doctors and social workers had to check and see all my scars... it was a giant jolt back to reality for me and I really started working on getting better afterwards.
I still have friends who are self harmers, and I've had to grow up much faster than I should have because my older sister has also self harmed due to serious mental issues. So i have had to grow up and out of it since she is in a much more vulnerable situation, I end up being the "older sister" most of the time when i do interact with her.
And with my friends who still self harm, it seems pointless to me to self harm now that i look back on it, but i know that i can't change their behaviors so i just do my best to make sure that they're safe and that they have someone they can talk to. Self harmers are very sensitive people, and are ashamed of what they do. So any pressure from people to stop or dismiss it can make it much worse... again, it's like an addiction. its their only coping mechanism that they think works.
But its an endless cycle. They get upset and stressed out to an extent that they can't deal with it, and so they cut. even though they know they will feel twice as bad afterwards, but for that short moment they are distracted and don't feel that emotional turmoil. and it happens over and over and over again.
I don't recommend you or your friend to talk to K specifically about her self harming, but to just let her know that you are there to listen if she needs someone to talk to. That you're there if she needs a hug. Also, i urge you to encourage your friend to check in with the therapist (since K is under 18, her mum can check in with the therapist to see how things are going). i also think it would be a good idea for K's mum to be part of the process of k getting better because its a group effort, no one can do it alone.
Also with the eating disorder, I don't really know if there is much you personally can do, you can't force her to eat and that will only make things worse). I know friends who have gone to inpatient rehab for eating disorders and those that i know who have are much better now and have regular eating habits and better self esteem and self images. it's either something you overcome by yourself when you are ready to accept that it needs to stop, or it gets to the point where the people around you have to check you into rehab or a hospital.
I'm sorry if some of this sounds glum, but it is. Hopefully this is partially due to teen rebellion and that horrible stage everyone goes through in high school and it will slowly start to get better, but if it isn't than i would simply keep an eye on her and watch her progress. (sorry that was really long).

Last edited by statikkat17; 11-15-2012 at 03:19 AM.

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 09:06 AM   #19
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

I absolutely agree that the mother is in denial. K has even said that everytime she talks to her mom, mom bursts out in tears and she doesn't want to make her sad. The father is around, married to my friend and is a good, involved father. They have pretty much turned this over to the therapist. They leave it to the therapist to talk about coach also.
Coach is very, very controlling with K. Gets mad at K for things like liking a boy that she doesn't think K should like. My friend just trusts K. Period. If K says everything is fine, it's fine. I know that teenagers lie, a lot. My friend told me yesterday that K ate a whole bowl of grapes.... She was so excited!! Grapes are nothing more than water and that's pretty much all she eats, my friend said she looks good, not too skinny, she says she's not cutting, so all's well. I just can't step on her toes and do anything behind my friends back. The coach does know about all the issues and offers to go to the therapist with K......um, no thanks!!! She is trying to control K and she seems to be doing a good job. My friend doesn't like it but she's not willing to do anything about it. My friend saw coach driving and said she drives like a maniac, way too fast and peels wheels around town.... She drives K everywhere. They have sleepovers every weekend night. Coach always mentions drinking on twitter, hasn't mentioned K and drinking but it doesn't take a rocket scientist..... Ugh!!!

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:53 PM   #20
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

Statikkat, I somehow missed this post, thank you so much for your insight!
Very helpful. I really want to help but don't know how without stepping on toes. My friend and her husband think they're doing exactly what they should be doing to help her. The therapist, K and my friend made a deal that therapist will not discuss what she & K talk about unless K is in danger. I just hope the therapist is keeping a close eye on everything. Again, thanks for your reply

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:55 PM   #21
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

Statikkat, I somehow missed this post, thank you so much for your insight!
Very helpful. I really want to help but don't know how without stepping on toes. My friend and her husband think they're doing exactly what they should be doing to help her. The therapist, K and my friend made a deal that therapist will not discuss what she & K talk about unless K is in danger. I just hope the therapist is keeping a close eye on everything. Again, thanks for your reply

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 11:51 PM   #22
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Re: My friend making bad decisions with her 15yo daughter

If you can:t do anything without stepping on toes then i think the best thing is for you to just wait and see what happens. :/ i know it's not the best thing to hear, but keep looking out for K and hopefully things will get better! i really hope that K will feel comfortable enough to talk to you at some point and start to get better
All my best wishes!

 
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