depression, need help
I am a teen. I have been having symptoms of depression for about four years now. I have seen one psychologist and one psychiatrist. The psychologist was a child psychologist and I saw her the summer before my junior year, I went probably three or four times but stopped because I didn't like it. I didn't feel like I was able to be open with her. She made me draw pictures which I thought was pretty stupid. On the first appointment I had with her during the general survey get-to-know-you thing, I started to cry even though I wasn't really talking about my personal feelings and felt extremely stupid. I told my mom I didn't want to go back after a little while, so I didn't. Last year I saw a psychiatrist, this one was a man. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but I felt like it again. Pretty much before I even entered the doctor's office I told myself I wasn't going to be open with him. I only went that one time.
I started high school and that's where my depression start. My parents got divorced the summer going into my freshman year. My dad cheated on my mom and is currently still with the woman he cheated on her with. My little brother falls somewhere on the autism spectrum and even though he's only ten, he been physically and verbally attacking my family members since he was about two, particularly me and my mom. He went on anti psychotics last year so things have been better, but he still swears and physically attacks me at times and we still don't get along at all. I would say the reason why my depression started was mainly because of these two things.
Junior year I started cutting myself, mostly on my upper arms and thighs. I didn't do it for attention, because people have seen them before and I lied about them and tried to cover them up and started panicking, thinking they thought I was cutting myself. I think I just did it so I would have a reason to be depressed about my life which isn't even so bad in the first place. I just liked having a secret and I liked having something to look forward to. Because I did look forward to it. I stopped because I realized the scars would be there forever and I wouldn't be able to wear a strapless dress or short tshirt or tank top or bathing suit in front of my family ever again and keeping the secret was too dangerous. During a check up at the doctor my mom and the doctor saw them and I lied and said I was scratching because of eczema. I still get urges to cut myself at my most depressed.
Around my sophomore year I started to become very withdrawn from my social life. I would feel depressed about being lonely, but whenever somebody would call me to hang out I would say no and make up an excuse. Junior year is where it got even worse. I have all the symptoms of social anxiety. I can barely speak or breathe when I give presentations during class, talking to or in front of people I don't know makes me incredibly nervous, I constantly avoid situations, I never hang out with my friends so as a result I don't really have any close friends anymore, just casual ones. Seeing people I know in social situations is awful. I hate going out because I'm afraid somebody will see me. It's the biggest problem in my life. I can't connect with anyone on a personal level because I don't know how I am supposed to act, I've spent so much time alone these past few years that I don't know what my personality is like. How I act in front of my friends seems fake, I'm a different person for everyone I know.
Even though my parents relationship and my relationship with my brother is getting better, I'm more depressed than I ever been.
I feel like my problems aren't serious enough to call depression helplines and my anxiety stops me from that anyways. I can't fall asleep at night and I can' wake up in the morning. My grades are way better than what they used to be but I'm losing interesting and getting lazy. It's too hard to try anymore. That's the hardest part of the day, the endless routine of just waking up and going to class looking and feeling bad and trying to keep up all these awkward social "relationships" that I don't even care about because these people don't care about me either.
After I managed to make some friendships at college, I thought it was great. I went out drinking on the weekends and had fun with everybody. However, I am naturally an introvert and do not like to be around people all the time. It seems like everybody here is rowdy and obnoxious 24/7 - yelling to each other down the halls, constantly referencing inside jokes, etc. I find some of the things they do pretty immature and it stresses me out a lot. One night around midnight some girls were being extremely loud outside my door. I went down into the basement bathroom and cut myself for the first time since February. I cut myself several times after that, when I was feeling stressed out and depressed. While I previously thought I was okay and feeling normal again, I began to realize my depression was coming back.
I find it hard to make true connections with people other than my best friend from home. I feel very distant from everybody. My neighbor and I became extremely good friends, but because of my depression our relationship feels almost strained. I can't constantly be in a joking mood unlike all the other girls here, and I feel like that causes a huge separation between us. Whenever I am feeling down my neighbor/closest friend won't really talk to me and will hang out with someone else until I buck up and try to pretend to feel better again. I feel jealous because I feel like she likes a lot of people better than she likes me. I feel extremely insecure about our relationship and will try to be as submissive as possible just to please her. However, she has a rude sense of humor and sometimes I just can't take it because the things she says actually hurt my feelings sometimes. Everybody is always meeting new people as well and I just don't want to do that, so I will retreat into my room by myself and feel depressed. My neighbor and my roommate and I are sort of a clique for lack of a better word, but I feel like my neighbor likes my roommate a lot more than I do. Almost everything she does annoys me. She's an easy person to live with but I think it's my jealousy and competitiveness and insecurity in terms of my neighbor and I's friendship that makes me dislike her - they are really good friends as well. I try to step back and tell myself I barely know these girls and shouldn't be so possessive and I'm being crazy but I'm naturally a jealous insecure person. This just makes me even more depressed. When all 3 of us are together I feel like I don't connect with my neighbor, because her and my roommate have their own things that they laugh and talk about that I wasn't there for or don't understand. I feel very excluded, which makes me feel resentful.
This probably all sounds very immature but I don't want to lose my friendship with this girl. I am extremely depressed due to all these things happening in my life - my relationship with my dad, the stress of college (both being a natural introvert and academics) - and it's affecting my relationships with other people. I thought I was okay for awhile but I'm obviously not. One minute I'll feel okay, then something minor will happen and I will feel sad and depressed .
I don't know what to do. I don't have money for therapy. I don't want this to affect my life the way it is anymore. I have struggled with depression for 5 years now. I really don't think I can do it anymore. It is ruining everything for me and I need help but I don't know how to go about getting it. I have never been on medication but I feel it's something that I would like to try now, because I'm getting desperate.
Last edited by Administrator; 11-28-2012 at 11:19 PM.