I'll start in the 7th grade year.
I used to burn myself often, not on a daily basis but often, my main reasoning being out of guilt and anger. I would feel angry at myself and guilty, because in my eyes, nothing I did was right and I messed up everything. I just couldn't stop being angry with myself.
So I would burn myself. But I would also cut myself whenever I had the chance, except I was more afraid to cut than to burn.
After a while though, I knew I had to tell my mom. I've always been close to my mom. But I was guilty.
I would start shaking at the simple thought of her disappointment once I actually told her..... It took me a long time to actually tell her, but I did. And she was disappointed.
But eventually she forgave me, and I stopped. I promised her I would never hurt myself again.
Now let's fast-forward to 9th grade, freshman year.
My mom has started up a business, so I hardly see her -- she works everyday, from early in the morning to late-ish, around 7 or 8, and sleeps when she gets home. That's how tiring her work is.
I really don't mind, except her weekends are very precious to her... So she's in a great mood then, and I never want to spoil it.
But the problem is, my guilt is back, and it's worse than ever. Everyday after school I feel as if I've failed, for whatever reason (it changes). I can always find a reason to blame myself about what has happened that day. And it seems all of my friends are leaving me -- I'm not sure if this is entirely true, but I do know I don't have as many close friends as I did in middle school.
And now I've began hurting myself again. I still burn, and do whatever I can to cause myself pain, although not on a daily basis, just whenever I'm very angry with myself.
Something I find myself thinking often is, "I have hurt so many people, and so many things are my fault. Hurting myself is discipline."
And that's what it's become or me -- a disciplinary measure, for all of those days I do things wrong. For all of the times I've become something or done something I promised I wouldn't. And it hurts, but I feel it's the right thing to do.
This was a long post, but my main problem here is telling my mom. I'm horrified. I know she cherishes her days off, and just the thought of me coming to her on her weekend when she's in a good mood, or after hours of working on her feet during the week, and complaining to her about my life struggles... It's despicable.
I even promised her I would never do it again, and I did. I broke a promise. I feel like she'll never trust me again if I tell her.
I must be doing something wrong. I can't control myself, I get so angry; but don't I have the right? I'm a pretty upsetting person. I hurt people, so I hurt myself. Is that really so wrong?
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: lilianloves
flamesabers (12-02-2012),Phoenix (12-09-2012)
I think there is a difference between complaining to your mom about your life's struggles and asking for help. You know something is wrong and you're feeling angry and upset with yourself. I think that's reason enough to ask for help. If you feel it's not best to tell her everything, in the very least I recommend asking her for help with finding a therapist you can talk to. Even though she cherishes her time off, I'm sure she values your well-being even more. Otherwise, I don't think she would have been disappointed when you first told her about your self-injury.
I can relate to your motives for self-injury. A lot of the reasons you described are identical to why I have cut for a number of years. I think the big question is not whether it is wrong or not, but whether such behavior is healthy. More importantly, does such behavior work out in the long-term? My opinion would be no to both questions, which I think why it is important to learn healthier coping mechanisms .
Last edited by flamesabers; 12-02-2012 at 10:41 AM.
First I want to tell you what a huge heart you have. You say you love your mom - that's the main reason you should tell her. I wish I knew you so I could give you a big hug. I am the mother of a girl in the exact situation (at the exact same age) as you. She didn't tell me. I recently started a business and work long hours. She was so worried about telling me because she didn't want to hurt me. She didn't want to burden me, or hurt me.
My heart aches for you.
She eventually did tell me. I would have given up my business and all my happiness in the world to take away the pain and confusion that surrounded my daughter, as I'm sure your mom would do.
You post here because you want help. Your mom will be disappointed, she will cry, she will feel helpless. It's all a normal thing to go through in order to help you overcome the pain you are feeling. She needs to be aware so she can do everything in her power to help you.
My daughter said the day she told me (and her school guidance counselor) she was scared and sad, but she immediately felt a little better. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders because she no longer needed to carry this by herself. She is currently receiving help. She's still scared, she's still sad, she still feels she let us down. She also knows it's just temporary. She is on the road to recovery.
I beg you to reach out to your mom. As a mother, there is nothing I wouldn't do to ensure my daughters safety, both mentally and physically. I'm sure your mom will feel the same way.
You are strong enough and brave enough. I believe in you.
Hi lillian, I am a mom & i cherish my children way more than a day off & moms are responsible for their children when they are a minor. It is your moms business & you should tell her in my opinion. I think its your moms business to discipline you if she thinks that you have done wrong, not your business to punish yourself. In my opinion, you are young & that is why parents are in charge of you. I think that you should not be acting in the mom role & dont cheat her out of the chance to help her daughter.I think you will feel better when she is in charge again, not out of control. This is just my opinion as a mother.
Last edited by gmak; 12-09-2012 at 10:26 AM.