i finally admitted to someone what I do and sought out help but here I sit with the urge to cut and the desire to let the pain out the and scream and wish for something more.
I am getting help and sometimes it does help but times like tonight I want to cut just to let the pain out and to see if anyone notices to see if anyone cares to see if life can ever get better even though I know it most likely wont
my friend the one that I confided in I am scared to talk to now, no matter what I ruined that friendship by confiding my dark secrets to them and no matter how bad I want to reach out again I wont because their life has changed and I won't ruin it for them.
Besides in the last year I have started taking chances hoping I think that maybe just maybe I would take a chance that would pay off and I would end up worse off than I am, yes I talk to my therapist about this but not all of it, yes I know I should be honest with him but it is so hard, everything is so hard.
The following user gives a hug of support to tearsnfears: flamesabers (01-12-2013)
I certainly agree it can be very hard at times to resolve troublesome problems or believe life can be better. Something I've found useful when I want to share something with my therapist that is difficult for me to talk about is to write it all down beforehand. Once I give him what I wrote, backpedaling is no longer an option for me. Even though it can be hard to do this and talk about it, at least he has a better idea of what's bothering me. I also find it helpful to write down what's going through my mind in the current moment than trying to recount to my therapist how I've been feeling.
If you haven't, I suggest telling him verbally or through written word that you want to want to cut to see if anyone cares about you. I can really relate to this feeling even though I know I absolutely don't want anyone to see my scars. While there may seem to be no point in telling him this, I think you're clearly communicating the despair and loneliness you're feeling.
I continue to struggle, it has been a really tough week for me and I have given in tothe urge to cut this week which is far less then the other urges that I have been fighting so at least it is a small victory. I am just really depressed right now and nothing is helping I am just holding out for the weekend and my appt with my therapist right now that is all that I seem to have to hold on to.
my appt was difficult, we discussed some of what I am going through, lately a struggling with nightmares that have me avoiding sleep and when I cant wake me up with my heart pounding terrified to return to sleep. I know that after nearly 30 years it is time to begin to move forward but we haven't made it through even one of several episodes I need to address.
I am a mess, I need something that will let me sleep undisturbed but I doubt it exists