I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so much pain and distress.
Despite the uncertainty you feel with trying to cope with your emotions, you sound very self-aware. It may not feel like it means much now, but I think being self-aware is a crucial part of trying to resolve whatever it is you're going through.
Have you tried talking to a therapist? If not, I think a therapist may be able to help you to find ways to better cope with emotional pain and negative self-talk.