Join Date: May 2013
I just need to write this down and tell someone
Right from changing schools in year 4 i was picked on, for everything i did, and that went all the way to year 7, i was called a ****, ugly, useless, stupid, which to a child of my age does take an inpact, i finally made friends with a group of girls who i became pretty close with, over time the bullying kind of went away but never fully stopped, by then i was already scared to go to school, i didnt know how much more i could take. in year 7 i met a guy, well started talking to a guy over myspace who was a family member of my friends family so i trusted that he was really falling for me like every young girl hopes a boy would, at the end of year 7 i found out that boy was not real, my friends made the whole thing up and just laughed at me when i found out, i actually felt useless and believed everything people had ever said to me, i have just finished school last year and the bullying is still happening, i first had signs of depression in year 8, but did nothing about it, thinking people wouldnt understand or would judge me, i left it til the end of year 11 to actually do anything about it, i had tried telling my bestfriend at the time about it and she called me an "attention seeking ****" that was the first person i had ever told and seeing as that was the reaction i got i was not keen on telling anyone else anytime soon, but it got worse, i was cutting, all i wanted to do was die, i would just sit on the bus and train and just stare out the window thinking that no one would even notice if i wasnt there, i was no one, no one cared about me, i didnt want to be there, i would wish everynight that i wouldnt wake up the next day, i would plan my deaths everynight while i just lay in bed, hoping for a miracle of some sort, in 2011 i tried to take my life, i was sick of cutting and not feeling anything, i was in a hole i couldnt get out of, no matter what i did, no one wanted to be around me, my brother walked in on me doing it, and stopped me. which im forever greatfull for, i had a boyfriend at the time and we dated for 13 months, he was great, helped me through a lot, i went and got help from a mental hospital and even though i was still cutting, i did get a bit better, in september 2012, my brother left for the army, and once again i felt like i had no one, i pushed everyone away and fell into depression again, i was a complete mess, every me and my boyfriend broke up because he couldnt handle it, which only made everything worse, over time i got a bit better, i learnt how to deal with things and i have an amazing bestfriend who i love to death, but lately ive started cutting again, i know i need help but i dont know what to do, people have started saying stuff again and everything has been so stressful for me lately, ive been snapping at people for no reason and just having no emotion, i just want to be by myself a lot and my eating goes from nothing to a lot, i have nights where i just break down and cut until theres no room left, i just wait for days for those cuts to heal so i can feel it again, i can have control over the pain i feel, my depression has come back twice as bad and its a scary feeling, its worse when no one knows and they say stuff that they think wont effect me, someone said "everyone hates you" and i knew i shouldnt believe it and its so stupid but i broke down, and didnt know what to do, it just got to me. im not after attention or anything, i just needed to get this out there, i needed to tell someone my story, i read so many peoples storys and i feel like no one is there to listen or understand.