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Old 08-09-2013, 01:57 PM   #1
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I am struggling to hold it together

I lost my job a week and a half ago and while I am hopeful of qualifying for unemployment it isnt a certainty based on the fact that I was a contract employee in an at will state. I don't have any savings and I won't get my last paycheck and or severance for another week. I saw my therapist this week and we spent the entire session talking about my unemployment not the reasons that I have been seeing him for over the past 18 months but I left feeling the uncontrollable urge to cry but I couldn't because I had to drive home an hour away.

My daughter leaves to go back to college next week and my son starts school next week but all I can seem to do is sleep. Nothing is helping, my kids are walking around on egg shells around me and each night after they go to bed I just want to hurt myself. Because I know that I need to be able to prove I am looking for work I am trying to complete at least one application per day and I am getting interest from the people that I apply to but they are for positions that notoriously take a long time to fill and I don't know how I am going to survive at this point with no money coming in. My hearing with unemployment is the 21st and by that time I will have been unemployed for 3 weeks with no income. I want to cut, I want to carve failure on myself because that is how I feel about myself. I ended up in the hospital for migraine headaches for 5 days last week and I probably would have stayed longer but I knew I needed to get home to be some sort of an adult for my son as his sister was at work 10-12 hours a day. I am a mess I just want something to take the pain away and cutting has always helped in the past.

I need help but feel like I have no where to turn.

 
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Old 08-17-2013, 10:41 PM   #2
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

Hi tearsnfears, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Will you be able to see your therapist more frequently during this time? I wish there was more that could be said to comfort you. I urge you to continue posting And expressing yourself here.. Vent if need be. Just get it out. I know I'm here to support anyone in need and I'm sure other people are too. Keep your head up.

 
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Old 08-21-2013, 02:38 PM   #3
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

So its been just over 3 weeks and I have my first job interview scheduled but it isn't until 3 weeks from now. I will hear next week about another and I have lots of resumes out but my career field is not one that I can just got to another company in the town where I live and find a job it will require a move. I haven't been able to see my therapist more often during this time because of his schedule not like I don't have the time. I have started packing up my house knowing I will eventually have to move and this time to purge should be good but as I go thru things it is hard not to get depressed and upset. I also suffer from chronic migraines and have had a whopping three days without headache pain since I was terminated. I have been trying to get into my neurologist but she can't see me until the end of September. I am trying to keep things together but I am still struggling, I have my unemployment hearing tomorrow and have no idea what they will decide but I am scared. I can feel my headache getting worse as I sit here.

 
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Old 08-21-2013, 03:49 PM   #4
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

FIRST & FOREMOST...If you are considering harming yourself in ANY way, seek help... a hotline, a doctor, a neighbor.
I'm stating the obvious, but your stress is making you SICK. Sometimes we need to hear "it will be okay", even when every fiber of our being tells us otherwise.
Just want to say "YOU ARE NEVER ALONE". Believe me, I know it seems that way. I heard a cute saying in a movie recently that was cliche', but worthy of repeating..."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." I hear you when you say that your life is in a state of upheaval right now. We were completely devastated by the "economic downturn" in 2008/2009. My husband lost his phenomenal job he'd spent his whole life working towards, along with his great salary and benefits, due to "downsizing" (which really means we're taking out the big guns...the salaried employees who have worked their entire careers to make the company what it is today). I call it "ageism", as my husband was 52 approaching early retirement, if he chose to. He loved his work as a design engineer, so he would have never retired. Anyway, his career was not one easily replaced, especially where we live. We went through all of the emotions you're feeling, plus I was in the hospital following major surgery when we got the news. Fast forward 4 years...no, he doesn't have the title or position...or salary, for that matter. No, it's not "normal" or what we would have chosen. BUT we love each other through it...sometimes kicking and screaming...just the same. HOPE is not a plan. Get a plan. There are fresh and new things out there for you. Perhaps your job was stress-filled like my husband's was. Perhaps your "new normal" will be better than even you can imagine. Meanwhile, distract yourself from your worry. Dance naked in front of your mirror. That always works for me to get a chuckle.

 
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:45 PM   #5
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

Hi tearsnfears, yay for the job interview! Best of luck with that! The process of moving can be quite difficult emotionally, mentally and physically. But think of it as a fresh start. A new beginning. I'm sorry about your headache pains. I hope the neurologist can help you when you see them. Migraines are definitely no fun. I get them on occasion but I can't imagine having them quite frequently. How did your unemployment hearing go for you? We all struggle at times, just don't give up. I believe in you. I know you can overcome these obstacles. Sending you lots of love, hugs and support.

 
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Old 08-27-2013, 11:59 AM   #6
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

Hi tearsnfears, One thing i noticed about myself was that i thrived on stress, my whole life i said i hated stress but i had it from elementary school up, grade stress, achievement stress, position stress, appearance stress, marriage stress, parent of children stress, job stress because i manufactured it! Always trying to please, make proud, have more, do the right thing, i look perfect, house looks perfect, kids look perfect, be the best at my job, & on & on until i got in so much pain it was no longer possible to go, do, be the best. So, my life now looks like im not outstanding & it is ok. Its not possible to pull "that" off anymore, im just an ordinary person. Im special because of how much i am loved & how much i love my family & others, having faith is the opposite of fear. No one has to be the best unemployment filer ever in history, just telling the truth is enough & you are enough for your children because kids love their mom & to them you are the best no matter what, effortless, they just want you.

 
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Old 08-27-2013, 05:33 PM   #7
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

Thank you everyone for the support. The unemployment hearing went pretty well they only had one question for me and that was concerning my first week as I had completed the forms accurately and atated that I was not available for work at least 4 days that week due to a five day hospitalization for my migraine and neck issues. Now before I can start getting my unemployment I have to have the Dr complete a for stating I was under a physicians care but am now able and available for work. Just another hoop to jump through.

I will find out tomorrow about whether I have been selected for an interview with another organization and I keep applying for jobs. I am spending this week with my niece cleaning and organizing my basement. I am going through boxes and containers that's haven't been opened since I moved here 7 years ago I am getting rid of/ donating more things than I ever imagined and I am sending things to the dump that I should have gotten rid of years ago. At least it is so etching to fill my time rather than just sitting around feeling useless. It is tough be positive right now

 
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Old 08-27-2013, 06:43 PM   #8
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

Tearsnfears, I think you are doing really good. Glad you have the helpful company! I hope you see by the interest in prospective employers what we can see... how valuable you are!

 
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:24 PM   #9
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

Thanks gmak you sound a lot like my therapist it is hard when you have been terminated, downsized what ever term an employer uses to remember you have value in the work force my job has always been a major part of my identity so not having one is scary

 
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:58 PM   #10
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Re: I am struggling to hold it together

On an old thread of yours i told you all about losing my profession because of sickness & pain, so wont repeat but its there in a reply
somewhere! My job was such a part of who i am & then the revelation i thrived on manufacturing stress all of my life pressure i put on myself, then i finally realized the people who love me make me valuable but there was no hope for me returning to work because the pain i have is too great. But, without all the old job stress & a new job wouldnt it be wonderful if the migraines left with the stress! Its great that you will find a new job, an even better one & that you have your kids who love you so! I "got" alright eventually with hope, joy, peace again & i believe that will happen for you as well!

Last edited by gmak; 08-28-2013 at 11:16 PM. Reason: tense

 
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