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Old 04-17-2006, 08:19 PM   #1
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diabetic26 HB User
Any self-loathers?

I hate myself for having diabetes and I refuse to take my meds. Dr. wants me on insulin and I refuse to do it. Yesterday my sugar was up to 450. I know I should. I know you guys will tell me to but I just can't make myself do it. I was diagnosed in 99 (I'm in my 20's) and I feel like I'm still in denial.
Has everyone out there come to grips with this and just moved on or is anyone stuck in the denial mode like me?

 
Old 04-18-2006, 01:39 AM   #2
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emeraldflyer HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Hi there. You are not alone in how you feel about this awful disease. I hate it. I hate what its done to me - taken away a lot of my eyesight, given me painful legs and feet etc. I was in denial for a long time after diagnosis. I didn't want to inject myself but was forced to because I was diagnosed during a pregnancy and it was for the good of my baby. But as soon as the pregnancy was over I stopped injecting. I just wanted to be 'normal'. This disease feels like I am being punished for something and it must have been really bad. I went through the 'why me?' phase and still do sometimes. However, the complications are catching up on me. I went back onto my injections three years ago but it was too late. The damage was done and I lost much of my eyesight. It can't be reversed with good behaviour now. I really wish I'd taken more notice when the doctors diagnosed me and explained about the complications and how to avoid them. But I didn't want to know, I just didn't want the disease and thought that if I didn't think about it, then I wouldn't have it. I was so wrong.

Please take diabetes seriously. You have every right to hate it and what it's doing to you but it can end up making your life very difficult or even killing you. I've learned the hard way. At the end of the day it's your decision how you deal with it and I wish you well. But you are not alone, I SO hate this disease.

 
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Old 04-18-2006, 05:32 AM   #3
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diabetic26 HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear about your complications. Can I ask your age?

 
Old 04-18-2006, 10:13 AM   #4
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emeraldflyer HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Hi again. Yes, I'm 40 now. I was 28 when I was first diagnosed.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 01:56 PM   #5
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cjheinz HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

I think most of us really hate this disease. I was diagnosed with Type 1 when I was 25 (I'm a 46 year old female) and I was right in the middle of my partying hey-days. I went straight into denial... kept on partying. I took Humulin N then, once a day, and after I took my shot in the morning, it was as if I didn't have diabetes. The 1 shot a day wasn't so bad. Now I;m on 4 shots a day (lantus 1x day plus R 3x day). By some miracle (thank you god) I have not suffered any real bothersome complications. I do take alot of mega-vitamins, always have. I've been on an ACE inhibitor for over 10 years to protect my kidneys (and eyes, I think). My denial lasted almost the first 10 years. Then I had a bad virus and went DKA, blood sugar went to 900. After that, I had some really painful nerve damage, which subsided after a while. That whole episode kinda woke me up to like "wow, I gotta watch this thing!". I hadn't been testing for 2 days when I got the virus and had no idea my sugar was that high, because I was already sick. I am so far out of denial now that I obsess over blood sugars, especially low ones, they really freak me out. So I test like 12 - 15 times/day. But I always wish I could go just one week without all this on my mind.. I can really relate to how you feel. The whole thing STINKS. But we keep going on. P.S. Once you do a shot you won;t care about having to do them anymore, especially if its only once a day. They don't hurt at all.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 11:18 PM   #6
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haleysmum HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Hi I am another self-loather I am 37 and was diagnosed with type 2 when I was 19. I lived the next 17 years in TOTAL denial that I had diabeties. Like the others have said it does catch up with you. I have had 2 babies in the past 3 years and therefore have every reason to live and be able to see. I too have had eye issues, thankfully Im not blind, but my sight is DEFINATALEY being affected. I actually go to see a specialist on Monday to have some dye put in my eye balls to check for haemorages etc. They have found a few small spots on my right eye and my vision has been getting blurry on and off the past few weeks. Needless to say I am ABSOLUTELY terrified IT DOES AND WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU ! I still to this very day HATE the fact that I am diabetic and curse everyone and everything for it and say WHY ME ?????? I too am not always good and eat crap. This has affected me to the point that I now suffer anxiety/depression and panic attacks as I am so frightened that the 17 yrs of totally pretending I dont have diabeties is going to end my life early or send me blind. Please do as your doctor says or you will honestly REGRET it. I DO
__________________
DS CHRISTOPHER 27th JANUARY 1986
DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 04-20-2006, 03:27 AM   #7
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emeraldflyer HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Hi Haleysmum, just wanted to say good luck for Monday. I can sympathise with your concerns over your eyesight as I have the same problems. But it sounds like you are getting assessed nice and early so fingers crossed that if you need treatment, its early enough to stop any permanent damage. I have to have laser treatment on my eyes every couple of months for diabetic retinopathy which started off with haemorrhages like yourself. This has left me with white blind spots in the middle of my vision in both eyes which is very disorientating and has made me lose my depth of field altogether and I lose my balance a lot.

Best wishes for your appointment, let us know how you get on. Take care.

 
Old 04-20-2006, 10:00 PM   #8
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diabetic26 HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Emerald, that sounds really awful and I'm so sorry you have to go through that.

Haleysmum, like Emerald said, sounds like you're getting it taken care of just in time to catch any major damage.
I asked you a question on the other thread, but you can just ignore it because you answered my question here.

 
Old 04-21-2006, 01:17 AM   #9
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cna02 HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

I am too....Yes, it sucks to be me! I took insulin during my pregnancy in 97 and was diagnosed with it, too. My grandma was a real bad one and lost her leg in 75 when I was 10 yrs. old. She gave up, basically and was only in her early 60's.
My medical history is: I'm a train wreck. That's what we say at the hospital where I work, when someone comes in that has alot of medical problems.
I had back surgery-3 in fact-with ending up almost dying due to staph infection and pneumonia. I also have diabetic neuropathy in my feet. They are shot. That's what a neurologist said a couple of yrs. ago. I was seeing a specialist for my diabetes and told her for at least 2 yrs, I was having problems with my feet and she just blew it off. That's part of my reason for not caring.
I also have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. And depression, too. Go figure!!!
I see a pain management doctor for my chronic back pain since by ortho doctor screwed me up for life. I was a CNA and had 2 disectomies and a fusion at level L5-S1 and now have a bulging disc at L4. I am on a permanent weight restriction of 50lbs. I can't even pick up sticks in my yard, it just kills my back. So, I definetly know where you are coming from. Depression makes me not care and because of my back pain is why I don't care about my diabetes.
Sorry, I just had to vent...................

cna02

 
Old 04-21-2006, 03:21 AM   #10
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emeraldflyer HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

cna02, you vent all you like. From what you've written here, you have every right to. You've been very let down by the system and it stinks. Regarding your feet problems, why do the medical profession not believe us when we tell them there is something wrong? After all, we know our bodies, don't we? When my vision first started to get blurry and I had initial haemorrhaging, I was put on a waiting list for an appointment with the ophthalmologist but it was going to take 18 weeks to come up. So I paid extra to be seen privately the same week and the doctor told me that there was nothing to worry about, I was definately NOT going blind etc etc and so to go home with no treatment and not to worry. A few months later, when my real appointment came through, they couldn't believe the state of my eyes and took me straight in for laser treatment there and then.

Life really is unfair sometimes but whatever it throws at us, we just get on with it don't we. Hang in there, it's a rotten life but at least we can share our experiences at places like this and for me, it makes me feel that there really are others out there that really do understand.

Best wishes.

 
Old 04-21-2006, 05:34 PM   #11
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haleysmum HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Hi everyone, Im so glad that this thread was started I think we do all need somewhere to vent and also believe that we have every right to say WHY ME ??????? lol
Emeraldflyer that is so terrible what was done to you I originally had issues with my eyes almost 3 yrs ago when I was pregnant to my daughter Haley. At the time they actually didnt know what was wrong believe it or not. All they could tell me was that there was swelling behind my eyes. I had 12 of the top notch doctors here in Australia look in my eyes and they all shook their heads . I had some laser surgery with excellent results. 6 weeks later the swelling had basically gone. Now to the present time. Late last year I started suffering terrible panic attacks etc. Had every test known to man done including having my eyes dilated for a check up. The opthamologist said there was a few small spots, so small he really had to look to see them and come back in 6 months. This was in December. I was then put on anti depressants in January to help control my panic attacks, anxiety and depression. The tablets actually started working and I started to feel half human again, BUT I was eating like a wild animal. I just COULD NOT stop eating. Unfortunately it was a very common side effect of the tablet. Anyway a few weeks ago I woke up and my vision was completely blurry. It was more not being able to focus. I got in the next day to see the doctor I had seen back in December and he said he was sure that it was becuase of my uncontrolled sugar levels and to get off of the tablets IMMEDIATELY. I am since being weened off of them and put on another type of tablet, so cross fingers they work. Anyway he said that he cant see any blood haemorages, still just the few spots that he had seen in December, but I insisted that I get referred to have the dye put in my eyes and photos taken. I cannot afford to take a chance with my sight. I may as well be blind in my left eye. Was born like it and have never been able to have it improved even with glasses and unfortunately the problems with the spots are in my so called good eye ( right eye ). My sight isnt the best in that eye as it is . I have worn glasses all my life Anyway I am praying that something can be done and that these spots are treatable. Even thought the doctor didnt seem too concerned I must admit Im more worried after reading what happened to you Anyway on a good note, I have been trying VERY hard to eat correctly the past few days and the last 2 days I have woken up with reasonably clear vision So hopefully a lot of my blurriness was just the uncontrolled sugar levels.
Anyway just saw the time and gotta dash. Have to go to the docs as believe it or not I cant hear out of my right ear right now. There is water trapped behind a build up of wax so looks like Im going to have to get them cleaned out.
Hope everyone reading this that isbt looking after themselves can get something from this. Please try and look after yourselves. Believe me Im no angel and its a CONSTANT battle everyday to try and eat right
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DD HALEY BORN 27TH SEPT 2003
DS ADAM BORN 1ST NOV 2004

 
Old 04-21-2006, 08:38 PM   #12
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diabetic26 HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Meadowlark, you've had a run of bad luck! I'm sure the stress of the situation doesn't help your sugars at all. 7 kids! Wow, I can't even imagine.

I know people say we aren't supposed to feel sorry for ourselves and all that good stuff, but why CANT we feel sorry for ourselves every once and awhile? This is a serious disease! We can't be normal! That's very very depressing.

Everyone I know eats sugary things and starts acting hyper, I eat just a little bit of something with sugar in it and I get so lethargic, I can't keep my eyes open.
Sometimes, I take my pills (metformin) and they make me so sick to my stomach, I can just put one bite of food in my stomach and I have severe, crippling cramps.
My feet hurt...all the time.
My hands cramp up.
I am 28 years old!
Plus, I think the diabetes is effecting other things. Such as, I have A LOT of premature gray hairs. I have to keep my hair colored. Do you think diabetes can effect that? Why in the world do I have all this gray hair at 28?
I work for a finance company and we get a lot of death certificates and have to enter them into the system. Do you know how many I get where someone has died of heart attack or stroke with the secondary cause of death as DIABETES and they are only 48, 49, 50 years old?
And then I read things that say if I am a perfect diabetic I have only a 50% chance of not getting any complications? 50% is the best case scenario!?
I have no way to put a positive spin on these things. I am sorry for my ramble, guys. Thanks for listening.

 
Old 04-23-2006, 08:06 AM   #13
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midlife05 HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

I was 25 when dignosed, Was real serious with it for years and then kept marginal control. Always took the shots but not keeping it close. Here is what it has done to me with crappy control.(The bad thing is the damage is not quick it takes years) I have had to have half my teeth removed it reaks havoc on your gums. I have had progressive ED, I have mild neuropathy in my feet. My eyes are still in good shape and Kidneys. I have since had a penile implant the ED meds didn't work well. I got on a insulin pump about two years ago and it is great. Don't screw with it Its nasty. Your quality of life will be shot if you keep it up. Get a insulin pump and get it under control
a friends mother let her type two db get so bad for years and she is on dialisis with 10 percent kidney function. Heed the warnings.

 
Old 04-24-2006, 09:08 AM   #14
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Re: Any self-loathers?

I am so sorry that you have diabetes. My son, who was diagnosed at 6 years old, and is now 22, has had a similiar reaction to yours. As a child his father and I were able to help him control it, making sure he tested, giving him his shots, monitoring his diet while he was with us. But by 16, he had had enough of it. He went through depression, refusing to test his blood sugars. Refusing to do anything that would help himself. He would still inject insulin, but was adamant that he could tell what his blood sugars were within 10 pts, by how he felt. We fought with him, we reasoned with him, we tried everything we could to get him to test. Andy had one thing that not all diabetics have, he would have seizures, sometimes, during low blood sugars. The seizures would put him out of commission for a couple of days while he recouperated from it.

He went off to college and we found that he was having them on occassion while he was driving. We were terrified that he would hurt or kill someone or himself. We were beside ourselves. We couldn't sleep, we freaked when the phone rang... I could go on. A couple of months ago, he was working and felt a high blood sugar coming on. He gave himself a shot of insulin. He didn't test. A bit later, when the "high" blood sugar didn't come down, he gave himself another shot. He still didn't test it. Shortly after that his coworkers found him having a seizure that lasted over 8 minutes. His normal length was less than a minute. He was admitted to the hospital where during routine testing, they found that his kidneys weren't working properly. Here he is at 22 with kidney problems. He is also having a minor problem with his heart. All effects of not taking care of his diabetes. The 8 minute long seizure caused other damage as well, most of it reversable, but it was very traumatic to his body.

Apparently, he was having a low blood sugar. yet felt it was a high and kept giving himself insulin which caused his blood sugar to drop low enough to kill him. He is very lucky he is alive today. He is now testing, while not often enough, he is testing before he injects. He is finally taking some care of his health. Had he taken care of himself better earlier, his kidneys wouldn't have been damaged. He is looking at possible dialysis down the road or a transplant.

Diabetics tend to have a problem with depression. You should talk to your doctor about getting on an anti-depressant. I have a 23 year old daughter with Type I diabetes, also. She finds that she needs the anti-depressants to function normally. Andy has started taking them and is doing so much better.

Please remember that while it is you that has the disease, it affects those that love you. It is very difficult to stand by and watch your son/daughter kill herself with a disease that can be treated. We blame ourselves for what has happened to you. When you fail to take care of it, we blame ourselves. Perhaps you blame us, too.

 
Old 04-24-2006, 05:58 PM   #15
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midlife05 HB User
Re: Any self-loathers?

Look at it on the positve side. You can live a normal life. This stuff is nasty. Get a insulin pump. It's about as normal as normal can be. Allot easier to control you don't get the crushing lows and you can eat whatever you want when you want to. You have to count carbs and test often but it make things allot better with very little work

 
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