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Old 11-03-2003, 04:37 PM   #1
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Question Oral sex

Okay, Here goes....
I seem to be having a problem getting my wife of 11 years to get into oral sex (her part of it). She really doesn't like to do it. I am clean and trimmed. I just don't see what is such a "turn off" about it. I even bought flavored condoms. She just doesn't want to do it. I also went so far as to pierce my thing. Yes, I have a cute little hoop! She said that she loves it and thinks it is very sexy. (Apparently only sexy to look at!) She can lay back and let me do it to her for as long as I want. She will do it maybe once every three months or so, but she always has to have a towel to "dab" any "oozing". That really makes me feel quite undesireable to say the least. I don't expect her to swallow (it would be wonderful!) I just want her to WANT to do it without me begging for a half an hour! LOL! I just want to know if anyone has any advice I can give her to overcome this blowjob-phobia she has!

 
Old 11-03-2003, 08:45 PM   #2
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Well, it doesn't actually sound like a phobia, or at least not the way you describe it, more like she just doesn't like it. And I don't think there's any advice in the world that will get a woman who doesn't want to perform oral sex to do it happily... I'm sure she already knows how much you like it, and how happy it would make you if she did it more willingly.

I'll have to give you tons of credit though, for buying the flavored condoms, and for not holding out on doing it for her.

My only advice is to maybe see if she would be interested in 69. Or maybe she would bargain with you, you tell her you'll do her if she does you. (No, I'm not advocating not doing her if she refuses, but maybe it would show her how unfair she's being.)

Also, I'm curious, when she does perform oral on you, and assuming she actually puts your penis in her mouth, how does she know it's 'oozing'? (I dont blame you for feeling undesirable for that! not very thoughtful of her...) and (you don't have to answer this one) is she actually any good at it? I only ask because a common avoidance tactic is to do it so badly that repeats won't be requested...

And finally, have you come right out and asked her what her hang-up is? If so, what are her reasons?

 
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Old 11-03-2003, 09:20 PM   #3
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Can't really give any advice here, some people enjoy doing it & some just don't. no matter who the partner is.

As for one of Thisby's q's.....I can both taste it & feel it when the hubby oozes, it's pretty obvious to me. Don't know about other females though.

 
Old 11-04-2003, 02:33 AM   #4
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Don't have any ideas on how to get your wife to enjoy giving you oral as you seem to have covered everything, from not expecting her to swallow to buying her flavoured condoms. This topic is debated in here quite often and if you do a search, you should find quite a lot of information.

As for the "oozing", i'd say she's referring to the natural lubricant you produce, prior to actually climaxing. Some men produce quite a lot, while others can be the exact opposite and not produce any. Some women find this lubricant to be very sticky and difficult to swallow as it can coat the throat and kind of stay there.

If you don't expect her to go all the way and actually make you orgasm, and if you enjoy her mouth action, then let her know this and allow her to possibly keep a glass of water or other drink to swallow so as to wash down the lubricant.

 
Old 11-04-2003, 07:37 AM   #5
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Some women find it really demeaning, and don't like to be thought of in that light.

The oozing also, and I can say from personal experience, does not taste that good.

Look around in Chapters or something, for a book for women on oral sex for men. Try to find something sufficiently gal-oriented, and tell her that you really enjoy it, and you want her to enjoy it. If she doesn't enjoy it at all, and reading the book doesn't help, it's tough to say what to do after that. But having a book for her to go through and a sit-down and talk about how sometimes it's nice to do sexual things without having to worry that you're pleasing her properly is very relaxing.

 
Old 11-04-2003, 01:09 PM   #6
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Oh boy. Do I get to jump in here? I've been there, except for me, she wasn't a wife. She was my girlfriend (and still is). For the first number of years, she was similar to your wife, except, she wouldn't do it at all. I actually had to restrain my urges to go down on her after a while, as I realized that she was the only one in our relationship getting what I wanted. I'd do for her what I wanted done to me.

In reality, no matter how many women on here that tell you it's not fair for you to stop if she doesn't want to do it, it truly is not fair to you. She would tell me I wasn't being fair for "punishing her" just because she didn't want to do it back. That, to me, is just an unfair relationship.

We have actually gotten well past the problem. She'll do it and finish (swallow) now. However, the psychological damage is done. Women who defend not doing it for their man, and yet, somehow expect it done on them sends me flying off the handle. Ultimately, I shouldn't care what happens to other guys, because it's their stupid fault for marrying someone they KNEW wasn't doing this. Marriage is not some mystical, magical change. If sex sucks (obviously, no pun intended) before the marriage, it will generally remain that way.

If communication doesn't work, and all the other things you have tried do not work, be prepared to not have that in your sex life for the rest of your life, unless you wish to exit the marriage. Harsh words, yes, but remember, there are guys getting it from their girlfriends and wives on a regular basis (NOT cheating on their wives), experiencing the very things you want, while your wife tells you how disgusting it is and wipes you off every 2 seconds. You will only get this type of action if you go out and seek it, I'm afraid...

 
Old 11-04-2003, 02:18 PM   #7
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Thisby asked, "How does she know it is oozing?". Well, she checks for it then wipes it off. I tell her she is getting a lot more of it than she even knows!
Thisby also asked, "Is she even good at it?". Of course she is! I really don't know how it could be done badly! I'll take the bad! Just give it!! LOL

Wrin says that some women find it demeaning and don't want to be thought of in that light. Well, she's in that same light laying on her back with me down there "munching" away! I would just like to have the light shining on me! LOL

Not doing it to her to punish her is punishing myself! I enjoy it!
If I could reach it, I'd do it myself! LOL
I tell her if she had a "weenie" I'd do it to her!

Thanks for all of the responses! Any more advice is welcome!

 
Old 11-05-2003, 05:06 AM   #8
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Well, I'm female, and I pretty much agree with what oralbasher posted. If I was a guy, and my girlfriend wouldn't give me oral, I would stop, or at least limit the amount of oral I performed on her. A relationship is a two-way street and both partners should do their very best to please eachother......that doesn't include expecting something that you, yourself, are not willing to give. I have a problem with my jaw (TMJ disorder), so for me, giving head can be quite painful, but I do it anway, because I want to make my boyfriend happy and I want to give back to him what I receive. Luckily, he's very understanding, and understands that I can't do it as often as he would like, and I can't keep it up for an extended period of time. I truly wish I didn't have this problem, it makes me feel horribly guilty knowing I can't give as much as I receive. Anyways, I definately feel that each partner should try their very best to fulfill the other's needs. There is no room for selfishness in a good relationship.

 
Old 11-05-2003, 10:00 AM   #9
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You don't have to be a guy to appreciate that a relationship is a two-way street. There have been plenty of women in relationships where the giving went totally the other way (I've been there) but either way, playing games by withholding can potentially be more destructive than good open communication.
BTW, there isn't a single post here that says "it's not fair for you to stop if she doesn't want to do it". It would be totally fair for him to stop doing it, but as you can see from his posts, jayeless still seems to enjoy doing it, hasn't become resentful, and certainly seems to have kept his sense of humor about it, so while it might be fair, it wouldn't be very constructive. (There's no room in a good relationship for game-playing either.)
Perhaps with that sense of humor, jayeless, you can bring a little napkin with you next time you're so kind as to give her oral, and see how she likes it.

Most importantly, talk to her, try to reason with her. That's probably the most mature option.

 
Old 11-05-2003, 11:30 AM   #10
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I think Thisby has a good head on her shoulders (again, no pun intended on this topic), but I don't always agree with the way she approaches the problem. I'm happy that he can have humor about it. I, on the other hand, cannot have humor about it. One day, I came to the realization that other guys were getting it from their wives and girlfriends. I don't mean something occasional. I mean they were getting it all the time from women who'd "finish the job."
*
At the good, young age of 30, I've made a pact with myself. Whether I'm with my current girlfriend forever (does marriage really last that long anymore) or whether it's someone new, I will never again deal with any woman who has sexual hang ups. I'm willing to give it as much as I want to receive it.
For the women who defend not giving it, please know that there are guys out there that will accept that, either because they truly don't care about having it done (do those guys really exist? ) or because they're so insecure, they'd rather just have a girlfriend who does nothing than no girl at all.
For all the guys who want it done but your woman says no, if open communication does not work, NOTHING will. At that point, consider moving on, OR consider being happy with the fact that while other guys get it regularly, you will get it never. That is a FACT.

Last edited by bfl; 11-05-2003 at 07:31 PM. Reason: *paragraph with a banned word was deleted...

 
Old 11-05-2003, 02:30 PM   #11
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Wink

I guess what has been said before is true. Some people enjoy it, some people don't. That's really all that can be said about it. I hear, "stop giving it to her."
Not giving it to her will not make her suddenly enjoy giving it to me. I don't want the "I feel guilty blow" , I want her to want to do it. Sometimes I want to do it to her so bad I feel like I will explode! I just can't imagine everyone not feeling like that at some time or another. *
Maybe a man's desires are much stronger than a woman's. I guess if she did it 'often' on her own free will (without me begging) I would really feel like, "Man, she really WANTS me! Bad!" I think everyone wants to feel that way. I'm no 'brad pitt' but I like the reminder that I've still got it! LOL

Last edited by bfl; 11-05-2003 at 07:33 PM. Reason: *section with a banned word was deleted...

 
Old 11-05-2003, 03:33 PM   #12
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Hey jayeless, yes there are women who feel that way! Probably doesn't make you feel better to know this - and knowing it has obviouly really annoyed the heck out of oralbasher - especially since your wife isn't one of them, but I'm actually writing to suggest you edit your choice of words. It may be a little too much for the boards.

 
Old 11-05-2003, 03:58 PM   #13
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Jayeless, I used to think the same way your wife does early in my marriage. It's no wonder growing up the way I did, being called a **** as a teen and I had not even had sex or boyfriends then.

*

It took something like a light bulb in my head to snap me out of the "prudish" ideas I had and from then on, anything and everything is on our menu.

I know this doesn't make you feel any better, but maybe give you hope that that little light bulb in your wife's head might turn on. How old is she? I think we women get much more comfortable with sex as we get older.

Last edited by bfl; 11-05-2003 at 07:34 PM. Reason: *paragraph with a banned word was deleted....

 
Old 11-05-2003, 04:00 PM   #14
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I have been thinking about replying for a bit now and decided to go for it.
I am one of those women that loves it. And yes there have been times that I have wanted DH in extremes..lol When he isnt tdy(gone to another base) he normally comes home during his lunch hour...lol there have been times he barely made it through the door I wanted him so badly. God forbid we are on long car trips...yes I know dangerous but for some reason this is another time I cant resist. But I have to say there was a time when I wouldnt have done it. Only two guys in my life have gotten that from me...they were both true loves for me. DH just happens to be the second who is my soul mate. Anyway with him he didnt get any from me until our wedding night. He never once asked for it while we were dating even though he gave to me. Matter of fact in the time we have been together he has never asked for it. And has even on occassion tell me that I dont have to do it. He says he feels quilty when I do,mostly I think its because I do finish,when he lets me that is.

I have several female friends who refuse to do it. They all have the same basic reason,to them it is demeaning and something nice girls dont do. Which ifyou consider our society it isnt surprising that many women think and feel that way. We are taught from an early age that sex is dirty. Some of us are lucky and figure out that hey it isnt so dirty after all and heck even if it is dirty it can be fun. While others arent so lucky and cant get past things like that. Then there are the ones that have a bad experience with it and hence refuse to do it or limit how often they do it. Then there are women who just dont like it for no real reason whatsoever. Just like there are guys who dont like doing oral on women.

There is no magic way to get your wife to want to do this. Even though I do have to say you have really tried your best with some of your efforts. This maybe something you will just have to accept that she will not want to do this for you. But you never know she may change her mind some day. You can always try talking to her again,dont beg just talk. Let her know how you feel,or even let her read how you feel by showing her this post you made.
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Old 11-05-2003, 06:28 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisby
I'm actually writing to suggest you edit your choice of words. It may be a little too much for the boards.
Okay---I edited. Now can you edit your response to remove your reprimand! How embarrassing! Did I just get an online-scolding?!! I guess I shouldn't assume we are all adults on here! LOL

Last edited by bfl; 11-05-2003 at 07:36 PM. Reason: you should assume that all are adults on this board who have read the posting guidelines re: the use of inappropriate language...

 
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