I think you are being a little too hard on yourself. You shoudn't feel insecure and worthless. Did you really think that you were the world's greatest lover prior to him making that statement that hurt you so much?
You stated that you had been having a conversation about problems with your sexual relationship. I would think that what he said would be open to discussion in such a topic of conversation otherwise you would be talking about your problems and not saying much. Granted, he could have been more sensitive about how he stated the problem but it would have still been the same no matter how he said it. Hey, but guys can be real stupid sometimes.
If your relationship is based on more than just sex than you have something going for you. He has apologized and admits that he was wrong and insensitive. If he is sincere, and you believe him, then forgive him and move on towards improving your sexual relationship. If you don't have an issue with trying to improve your sexual relationship with him then work on that. Take it as a challange instead of an insult. Imagine what it will do to your self confidence if he were to one day say you are the best he's ever being with. You are not sexually incompatible with him unless you have reached the limit on what it is you are willing to do sexually and your partner is still not satisfied. Then it is time to move on.
You stated there is no foreplay in your relationship. Right there you have a problem you can improve upon. No foreplay problems are not the result of one partner unless only one has an objection to it. No foreplay is the result of both parties.
A person is always going to compare a current sexual experience/relationship with all the others they've had before ,especially against the best sexual experience they ever had. It is perfectly normal. You should really consider yourself lucky that you are able to talk about your sexual relationship so openly with the BF at this point in your relationship. That is what these discussions are for, to address, solve and improve on issues and problems.
If this is the only big current issue in your relationship, work on getting over it and improving your sex life with your BF because you really only have two choices. Leave him and start over with someone else or work with what you have if you think your current BF is worth keeping. Personally, I think you should work with the guy and improve your sexual skills with someone that you have no doubt he loves you. Just let him know how much he hurt you and how sensitive you are about this topic. You said he didn't make that statement to hurt you or insult you. If he loves you and enjoys being with you, he will respond in your favor, especially, if he knows and anticipates that you will be willing to take your sexual relationship to a higher level. Just take it slow and tease him along the way.
Whatever you do, DON'T go out and cheat on him thinking that will improve your self confidence. It won't. You will only be kidding yourself. It will probably make you feel worse if you are not into casual sex. Any guy you don't know very well or is not really intimate with you will most likely say whatever you want to hear just to get into you pants if you leave yourself that open.
Do you really think your relationship would be better if he had not been honest with you? I think your are way overreacting. Take this opportunity to find out what he needs, and you need to make clear to him what you need (i.e. more foreplay). Rather than get upset and worry he will cheat on you, work on the relationship - you can learn what he needs so he will never think about cheating (and he needs to learn what to do to make sure you will do for him what he needs - sex is a two way street).
Think about things - keeping secrets in a relationship is never good. How you deal with this little crisis will indicate how you two will deal with issues later if you get married.
Hi SweatT, sorry you have been so hurt by this revelation. My first observation was that you told us all about what he told you, but nothing about what you told him (besides how hurt you were).
You said he told you 'he is not happy with you sexually' and you told us "I think my boyfriend and I are just sexually incompatible. I enjoy sex with him, but there is no foreplay."
So he told you the truth, did you tell him? I mean you said right in your post "there is no foreplay" and I'm guessing that you're mentioning it to us as a way of saying that he's falling a little short of satisfying you too, that it's not just you not satisfying him. Did you tell him if you'd had better? And regardless, have you had better? Or is he the absolute best you've ever had?
Remember, there are two people in bed there, and it takes both of them to make a compatible couple. It's not all up to just you or him to define how good each of you are in bed. (And also keep in mind, some people will never be compatible due to extreme differences in taste.) Now it would be one thing if you thought he was the BEST, while he's thinking your not, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Anyway, despite the fact that you are really really hurt right now, and I don't blame you, because it can be very damaging to the ego to be told what he told you, but as long as you have it in your head that "I feel like the damage is done. I will never be able to have sex with him again without thinking about him and his ex gf" then you are guaranteeing the relationship will fail. You should probably try to focus on moving ahead working with him to fix what's wrong, not dwelling on how hurt you are. (And as for suddenly thinking maybe you should cheat on him. Very foolish move. Unless you really want to sabotage the relationship.)
Hi, first of all, don't cheat on him!! you'll regret it. Your confidence shouldn't be based on only how he thinks of you in bed. sit down and tell him how you feel, tell him to tell you what he does love about you?? Me and my now husband, dated for 8 years, started when we were 17, and he had others, i didn't. we had to actually sit down and tell each other what we liked and what we wanted in bed. we now have a much better sex life, because now we know. tell him you want foreplay, and he may tell you what he wants or likes. We aren't mind readers, this is the only way!! I honestly wouldn't leave him over this, sounds like you have a good relationship, and you can get through this!!! My prayers are with you...
He shouldn't of compared you like that to someone else, that was the wrong way to tell you. Guys just don't think sometimes about the emotional sensitivities.
It take two to help each other get good. He can tell you what he would like and how to do it to his liking while making love and you can tell him what you like. You teach each other. Foreplay is most important for good sex.
I completely understand your hurt feelings, Im sure it feels like your nothing more than a sex machine to him now, instead of it being "love making", and you really need to make that clear with him what it did to you.
He may not have meant for you to take it that far, guys don't seem to think that way sometimes, but Im sure that it means a lot more than just sex to him, when it's with you.
Tell him he better watch how he says things next time and not stab you in the heart like that again!
Shape up and get over it!
What is your problem? Really!
Yes he should not have told you but do you think running away solves anything? Get a book on it and get on top again. Shame your self pity.
Are you sure you were not looking for an excuse to end this relationship anyway? The whole thing seems to be overblown to me. Grow up.
I am SHOCKED at some of these responses! Especially the one above. Ladies, isn't this a support board? Some of you were right on target but to the ones who were cruel...why post?
Who here can honestly say that it wouldn't devastate you to hear from the man that you love that essentially you do not do it for him? Come on! All this time you think your partner thinks you are the sexiest thing going (which I think is completely normal to think) and you blow his mind and then all of a sudden he drops a bomb like this.
SweetTemptation, I am So sorry that he said that to you. I understand what his point was but the way he went about it was terrible. I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way that you do; if my husband suddenly said this to me I would be devastated and I don't think I would ever forget it either.
I agree with the others that you should give this some time. He knows what he said is a mistake and he's right - he can't take it back. But he can make it better. He obviously wants to work on this with you, right? Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to understand he meant well but ended up sticking his foot (rather BOTH feet) in his mouth. Wow, easier said than done. But if you both love eachother it will be worth it. And improving the sex between you isn't such a bad thing. You need to be honest with him as well. Tell him what you need (like foreplay) and what you like and what you don't like. Tell him he needs to do the same. Ask him to elabortate....what is it that he's expecting that you're not giving to him? Ask him what he wants.
Again I'm sorry you're going through this and your feelings are very natural. You do not need to feel ashamed of your hurt feelings. That's ridiculous. Feelings are feelings and they are real to you. Please don't let anybody make you think that you are to blame for all of this and that you should "grow up".
Good luck with this and follow your heart.
I can really see how you are feeling...if it was me, i would not so much be angry at him for SAYING this, but devastated that he actually THOUGHT it in the first place.
However, to get it in perspective,men think differently to women,and he was probably saying this in a non-emotional way.
What i mean is, he probably didn't mean that YOU are not as good as his ex, but that YOURS AND HIS sex life is not as fullfilling for whatever reason...and there is a difference....if it was you ,then it would be cos of something you were doing/not doing, that doesn't satisfy him...it sounds like it's the sex life itself that is lacking ,and for this, HE has to take at least 50% blame for.
On the plus side, it sounds like he is willing to rectify the problem, so, talk to him and be honest about anything in your sex life that you want change.
And like the foreplay thing, just cos you are dissatisfied with it, do you see him as any less desirable?No?Well then, he feels the same...you are still the one he wants, and with a few changes, you can ,as one poster said, BLOW his mind...work towards that and see if he starts to say nice things to you...i bet he does!
You said there is no foreplay.
No foreplay from or for whom? You? Him? Both?
If he's not giving you any foreplay, then who the heck is he to say that you're disappointing him in bed? A sex life with no foreplay... sounds like it's probably boring for both of you.
From how I read it, it's not so much what he said as how he said it. Tact seems to be a quality that is lacking in many these days. You may not be as "experienced" as some of his previous lovers, but that can be worked through. He was honest and by your post wants to get beyond and build upon what you have, you need to give yourself a bit more credit and take what he said for what it is...feedback. He needs to communicate with you what feels good and what if it something that needs work tell him to show you and guide you through it. Sex can be fun game if the lines of communication are open both ways, but ESP can't be an expectation. I think you'll be able to work past this, but don't waste your time on negative feelings, look at it as a learning experience and, uh, ahem..."carry on!"
i would be devastated if my boyf turned round and said your [bad] in bed my ex was soooooooooo much better. granted this girl's boyf didnt say it like that but that's the impact it would've had regardless of the choice of words. she's right to feel hurt, so would you if you'd given your all in a sexual relationship only to be told you needn't have bothered you were [bad]!
however, i do think there's is a little bit of over-reaction. there was a problem, now you know exactly what the problem is, so you have to find the solution. it'll take time for you to get over that comment, and you'll never forget it. but for you're own health you need to forgive his blunder and if you want to get back on track, try and sort it out. don't cheat because once you have you'll feel guilty and used, cos let's face it one night stands can be brilliant but if they're a one night stand it means you haven't rocked their boat enough for them to want to be with you again and again. cheating will just lower your self esteem even more. another thing that'll be damaging to you and your boyf is if you punish him for this for a long time. women never forget and you'll probably bring this all up again in a future argument (it's the women's way!) but that won't help because you'll be showing him you never forgave him.
take a bit of breathing space for a couple of weeks and if you find that you cant bear to be without him then you'll forgive him this because in the grand scheme of life it was a mistak but not one worth throwing away a great relationship for.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-28-2003 at 12:31 PM.
Reason: Please note edit to you post and follow board guidelines regarding vulgar language.