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Old 11-18-2003, 01:03 PM   #1
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Question too many partners?

this is just an opinion question.

Should the number of previous partners of your significant other matter? would it bother you if they had been with a lot of people before you? or should you not need to know any specific #'s and instead, only that they are sexually healthy? if you really liked someone, but you found out that they had been with a lot of people before you, would you stop seeing them?

just curious, thanks,
mary
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Old 11-18-2003, 01:06 PM   #2
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no, but its also not that big of a turn on...

 
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Old 11-18-2003, 01:12 PM   #3
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I honestly don't think it matters. Of course I wouldn't want to know how many ppl my husband was with before we were married tho..lol. Sometimes its better just not knowing. But I would want to know they are the other person was healthy and practiced safe sex. If I did find out my partner had been with alot of ppl and I loved him it wouldn't bother me as long as I knew he loved me too.
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Old 11-18-2003, 01:15 PM   #4
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I dont think it should matter how many partners they have had as long ans they are healthy. My bf was married to his high school sweet heart and i have more partners then him but i am healty and he doesnt mind. but i guess i would be hard to deal with if it was a huge amont of partners. but then again if you really care about them and they are healthy it could be accepted. I hope i was of some help

 
Old 11-18-2003, 02:37 PM   #5
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A person's past should be in their past, but a person's past is often a good predictor of their future. This does not necessarily apply to sexual relations, as I have seen wild men settle down quite happily after marriage, and men who were practically virgins cheat like crazy after marriage (but generally there was a bad marriage there).

If one' sexual past is important to you and you will be reminded of this in the future and it will have a negative impact on your relationship, then maybe you should find someone else. If the person is devoted to you, however, then you should try to forget their past and be happy that out of all of his past lovers, he chose you.

 
Old 11-18-2003, 03:28 PM   #6
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I want to know if he's had any horrible disfiguring diseases come from his prior sexual partners. I'm not too keen on gonorrhea.

That said, it matters but it doesn't matter? You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't matter to me, but it might make him harder to deal with in the trusting-self issue, trusting-partner issue, and other associated things, especially about him being jumpy re: what made the other relationships fall apart.

Then again this is me assuming we're talking about full-blown relationships and not just several one-night stands.

 
Old 11-18-2003, 03:45 PM   #7
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for me, it used to bother me extremely if they have been with a lot of people. but someone told me that it shouldnt matter the #, as long as they're healthy. but then someone else told me that if they just slept around that it means that sex is not important to them, and it might be a red flag. i havent formed an opinion yet. i just like seeing what everyone says, cuz everyone has a point.

i was just asking, cuz i just started hanging out w/ this guy, and he's really cool and nice and polite and stuff, but i know he's been w/ a lot of people (not a specific #). ive just been trying to decide if his personality, etc. make up for his past, or if his past should even be important.

mary
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Old 11-19-2003, 12:39 AM   #8
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My boyfriend is 6 years older than me. Im 20 and hes 26. He has been with quite a few girls, I know the basic range, but I dont know the exact number. At first it scared me away from him. But Ive realized that it hasnt affected our relationship. Most of the girls were from his "college partying days". Try to ignore how many girls hes been with, and accept it as his past :-)

 
Old 11-19-2003, 12:46 AM   #9
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It should not matter alot, but can effect the your feelings for someone. It is definitly unattractive to me if someone has been very permiscuous, especially if it was in the recent past. It all depends on your views of sex in general.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 07:10 AM   #10
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I guess it bothers me w/ this guy in particular, b/c I think that's just how he is. like, if it's just for a hook up, he'll sleep w/ a girl. if he wants to date her, he's willing to wait. it's just the fact that it's so casual w/ him that bothers me, i guess. im not sure that this promiscuity is from his college party days, or if it's just how it is, but im leaning towards the latter.
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Old 11-19-2003, 07:44 AM   #11
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Well, I think I have some perspective on this matter...my situation was summed up in my post entitled (? for guys into casual sex). I am female, 28 years old. I have had 4 male partners. (I have fooled around with 2 females, but they were just fooling around...not a relationship sort of thing). Anyways, my boyfriend is 21, and has had around 40 partners...most of which were one night stands that he just picked up at bars. To sum it up, the actual fact of him being with so many before me doesn't bother me...I'm not really the jealous type, and I feel that if someone is into casual sex, and it is right for them, then that's cool and I would not judge, even if it's not right for me. However, like I believe Wrin posted, it has led to some insecurities that I have for our future, and whether he can be the "monogomous" type. We have been together for over 2 years now, and had I not known about his previous sexcapades, I would never have guessed he was like that...although I know for a fact it is true. Now, in our time together, he has never even given me any inclination that he has been, or ever would be, unfaithful to me, and things are so great between us. He says he would never would cheat, and for the most part, I believe him, but then sometimes there's that little thing in the back of my head saying maybe not. But then, I really don't trust men in general either...this is something I am working on. Anyways, I would say, if you truly love a man, and he doesn't give any warning signals that he is still up to his previous ways, I don't think it should matter....although I think an STD test (mutual, of course) should be in order. There's no point in being jealous over things (or peope) your partners has done before you.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 09:43 AM   #12
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I guess I'm not understanding how the number of partners someone has had equates to them cheating or having problems with monogamy. Someone who has only had one partner before (someone who is a virgin, for that matter) can cheat. Someone who has had many partners over the course of his or her lifetime, but never cheated on any one specific partner, can turn out to be the most monogamous and loyal person around. Isn't context of sexual experiences/partners more important than number of sexual experiences/partners?
I wonder if sometimes we feel intimidated by very experienced people, or worry that maybe we won't live up to someone from their past. Maybe it just feels safe and comforting to see ourselves reflected in our partners, and anyone who is too different in some way --- say, someone much more experienced or much less experienced --- doesn't reflect what we see as our own image of ourselves, and feels foreign and threatening, even if subconsciously. Or maybe we are all just so used to listening to those voices in our heads that mimic the ones many of us were raised with, the ones that say that sex is dirty and bad and that people who have sex are also bad --- unless that sex is the one OK kind of sex (married monogamous sex between a man and a woman) --- that we just automatically, vaguely feel that anything outside of that is somehow not right.

What I'm interested in knowing, from those of you who have answered or would answer that it would bother you, is: why, specifically? What does having alot of partners mean to you, what does it say about that person? And are you sure that it really says that, or is it just some vague feeling that you've always had about promiscuity but don't really know why?

If it sounds like I'm accusing people of not thinking this through; that's not the way I mean it--- just touching on the original question of this thread and asking a follow-up question.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 10:10 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jamie17
I guess I'm not understanding how the number of partners someone has had equates to them cheating or having problems with monogamy. .
Hi Jamie, my reasoning is that by having so many partners as my s.o. has had, and that he admitedly couldn't stand alot of them....couldn't even stand to hear them talk, just wanted to get laid, that he has a very easy time separating sex from love. Therefore, sex being not such a big deal to him (emotionally)...like it is to me...makes me think that he may be more likely to act upon the chance to cheat if it came up. Now, don't go thinking that I obsess over this thought....I have never accused him of cheating on me, and I am not making an issue of it...it is just a small thought in the back of my head, you know? I guess my main issue is not the actual number of partners he has had, it is with the fact that he would sleep with girls he had no feelings for...couldnt stand even, and that to him, sex is soo separate from love.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 10:35 AM   #14
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Jamie,
I agree with devestated,
i dont think it's the actual # of people that bothers me so much as the fact that it tells me that sex is not a big deal to them. they treat it like it's a hobby or something (some of them do). i guess it's the fact that they dont look at sex in the same light as me. i've only had 1 partner, and i only had sex w/ him b/c i loved him. i guess i dont understand the people who just sleep around for the heck of it. im not saying it's wrong, im just saying that its not me.

mary
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Last edited by mary2468; 11-19-2003 at 10:36 AM.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 11:48 AM   #15
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Mary, one of the posters hit the nail on the head: someone could be with many partners and then be faithful, or be with very few partners and then cheat like crazy.
I would say this guy is not for you if you’re going to keep wondering if you’re just one of his many partners. You don’t seem convinced that his playing days are over. If you think it’s worth pursuing, get to know him better to find out if that was a phase and if he’s over it, and then take it from there. It all comes down to trust and there are no guarantees.
A lot of people do look at sex as a sport or hobby, and are looking for lots of partners and variety. People have different values, which is why we often choose someone with similar values.
I don’t think a lot of us were told by our parents to sleep around with as many people as possible. My parents never really discussed sex with me. I basically learned from books and from what older kids told me, so I could have gone either way. I chose not to sleep around and keep sex in the context of very few relationships. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made and never felt that I deprived myself of anything.
Do what your gut tells you.

Last edited by JAYB; 11-20-2003 at 10:57 AM.

 
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