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Old 11-19-2003, 08:47 AM   #1
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Overreacting, or am I a Perv!!??

Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 10 months now, and have a very solid and loving relationship (We're both almost 20). I was at her place yesterday, we were just hanging out and watching some television. Somehow the issue of pornography came up, and she asked me if I ever watch porn movies and if I have any.

It was kind of an akward question at first, because I didn't really know what she was expecting me to say. I told her the truth, that I don't own any movies or magazines, but that I do occasionaly (once or twice a month) look at it online. She immediately looked almost dumbfounded and disgusted at the same time. She turned the other way and wouldnt talk to me for about half an hour, and then we started talking about it. She proceeded to ask me, "Well, how would you feel if I told you I watched porn videos with hot, steamy buff guys and that it turned me on!??" I told her that if it was infrequent and occasional, then I honestly wouldnt mind and it seemed like she got even more furious. We've pretty much patched things up and are over the issue now, but the conversation truthfully left me feeling dirty, like maybe I am a bad guy or something for looking at that kind of stuff, albeit not too often.

Do you guys think it is wrong to look at that type of stuff while having a serious girlfriend? She almost related it to me cheating on her, although she didn't make that big of a deal about it I guess. We do have a very healthy emotional as well as sexual relationship, so it's not like issues regarding sex never occur. I guess I just figured she would be more open about it for some reason. She did say that she wouldnt mind if we watched it together maybe, but that me looking at it alone doesn't seem right to her. What do you guys (and girls) think about the issue?

-Nick

 
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Old 11-19-2003, 09:00 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CyberNick
Do you guys think it is wrong to look at that type of stuff while having a serious girlfriend? She almost related it to me cheating on her, although she didn't make that big of a deal about it I guess. We do have a very healthy emotional as well as sexual relationship, so it's not like issues regarding sex never occur. I guess I just figured she would be more open about it for some reason. She did say that she wouldnt mind if we watched it together maybe, but that me looking at it alone doesn't seem right to her. What do you guys (and girls) think about the issue?
I'm a female, and I don't think there's anything wrong with guys or girls occasionally looking at porn. It's human nature ... people are curious and people fantasize. I think it only becomes a problem when other aspects of the relationship aren't strong ... i.e., the girlfriend is not secure about the guy's attraction to her, or doesn't feel she gets enough attention from him. There are also some people who just think it is morally wrong, period, and even if the relationship is strong in every other way, it's just not acceptable to them. In that case, I think it's a difference of opinion where the couple has to decide how important it is. Either she has to accept that her boyfriend has differing moral views on that subject, or he has to agree to stop doing it for her benefit. It's all about reaching a mutually acceptable compromise. There's no right or wrong here... we can all tell you that she's "wrong" for being offended, but if that's how she feels, it won't help anything to tell her she's "wrong."

But again, I personally would only be offended if my boyfriend seemed to prefer porn to actual sex with me, or if he seemed unusually obsessed with it, or if he seemed to have weird issues with women in some way.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 09:16 AM   #3
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We don't really have many issues that we don't feel similar about. We pretty much have all the same morals and values I would say, but she does have issues with jealousy, which is what I think would be the main focus of the problem. I generally don't have any girl friends, but when I do occasionally hang out with another girl she'll get an attitude with me and kind of turn the situation around on me (ie. what if i hung out with other guys!!??). Also if we're kissing or fooling around or anything, she'll always seem to put her hands in my pockets somehow and if she feels anything that might be a phone number or a letter she immediately rips it out of my pocket, turns around and reads it like she's "caught me" or something, even though I have never cheated on her or even thought about doing anything of the sort.

I just thought it was odd and wondering if maybe I was a bad guy, or if most girls are offended by this. It's not like I put sex aside to look at pornography all day, we have a healthy sex life and have sex regularly. I guess it is just her jealousy issues, since she also said that she wouldnt care if I watched porn with her, but that she doesn't like the idea of me looking at it alone.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 09:31 AM   #4
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I think this is a very personal matter that each person has to decide for him or herself. I personally feel it's unhealthy. It promotes a unrealistic and unhealthy view of sex and of women, and I also think it's immoral, but that's based on my own religious and moral beliefs. I'm not passing judgment, but for me pornography would be sort of a deal-breaker, depending on how much he used it. but that doesn't mean that someone who uses it is a pervert. It's just what you grew up with and such. I think you just have to talk it out with your girlfriend and find out how she feels and how strongly, and can you be happy making the compromises she can be happy with? Just talk it out and see if you can get on the same page.

 
Old 11-19-2003, 09:41 AM   #5
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Saying you "hang out" with other girls is probably not the best thing to do if you have a girlfriend that you *know* has jealously problems.
Too me that is aggravating the situation.

As far as the perv thing, well I don't look at it that way but that is how I think about it.
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Old 11-19-2003, 12:01 PM   #6
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Sounds to me like your gf is very immature. If she thinks she's going to be able to go through life with boyfriends who NEVER look at porn, she's in for a rude awakening. And that thing about checking your pockets. Wow, are you sure you want to put up with that?
Anyway, she obviously has some serious trust issues that she is going to have to work on. And unless you have done something in the past to warrant that behavior from her, I think you should be considering ways to convince her that you are perfectly normal and trustworthy, and that she should treat you accordingly until you do something to deserve otherwise.
btw, I think a lot of people would agree that looking at porn is not the same as cheating, but that doesn't mean people won't have issues with it. It shouldn't be an issue unless it is causing your sexual relationship to suffer in some way.

 
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