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Old 11-29-2003, 07:55 PM   #1
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Unhappy I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

hey everyone, I have a situation it's kinda long...but bare with me

I'm 22 years old, and I come from a muslim background, with parents that absolutely forbid premarital sex (to a point where they'll kill for their honor). Being raised in a Western country, when I was 19, I did have premarital sex. Lately, I've been reflecting on how would they react if they ever find out I'm no longer a virgin, and if it's possible for them to. I'm afraid that the man whom I'll marry, who MUST also be Muslim, (otherwise they'll disown me), will find out that I'm not a virgin, and I'm really worried that eventually the news will get to my parents (there is no way I'm telling a muslim man that I'm not a virgin). I honestly came to the point where I was thinking of withdrawing blood from my body the night I get married and place it in a small plastic bag, and when we have sex, to just pop the bag as if he'd broken my hymen, but I have a feeling that he can tell when a hymen breaks. Hopefully I can convince him its thin enough to not be felt..and fake a few painful moans.. What do you all think of my situation?? Do you think it's at all possible to find a Muslim man who is as westernized as I am??

My second situation is this, I'm dating a non-muslim spanish guy for 8 months now, and I'm falling head-over heels for him, and I KNOW for a fact that my parents will NEVER approve of him, has anyone experienced a situation like this and had good outcome? or known someone that has?? I really need some words of wisdom right now...I just feel really really sad about what I've gotten myself into, and I can't take it back...

 
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Old 11-29-2003, 09:21 PM   #2
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

i dont mean to be rude but if you parents loved you they would never dis own you . i say dont worry about it they know that you had sex since you were over 18 anyway. about your boyfriend do what makes you happy. its your life.not theres. if you must sit down with them and let them know how you feel and tell them you just want to be happy.

i personally think they have religen playing to big of a part but thats just me . hope i helped

james

 
Old 11-29-2003, 10:02 PM   #3
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

No one can tell whether you are a virgin or not based on the absence of your hymen. Many women tear their hymens during sports or other activities. If you dont tell...no one will ever know.

 
Old 11-29-2003, 10:43 PM   #4
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

if you dont tell him, hell never know....so dont tell..... just fake it hurts be like ouch ouch or whatever. thats right if they loved you they wouldnt diswon you.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 02:50 AM   #5
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

Well, the other girls are right. No one will be able to tell your not a virgin. I never bled the first time that I had sex. I suppose it was because I used tampons. So, you can always use that excuse.

Second, I believe in picking your own parteners, not my parents picking them. If you love that spanish guy and he treats you well. Forget your parents. I know that's mean and easy for me to say. But that is what I would do. I am the one that has to spend my life with him, not my parents. I mean, if it means that much to you, why are you with him now? Your both developing more feelings for each other as time goes on and it will be harder to break it off later. So you have to choose. Do you follow what your parents want? Or do you follow what you want?

 
Old 11-30-2003, 08:34 AM   #6
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

I appreciate all your honest answers, sometimes its easier said than done, but I guess I'll have to wait till the day comes

 
Old 11-30-2003, 08:45 AM   #7
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

Hi, Im not sure if its different for men than women, but I dated a muslim guy who was raised in a middle eastern country. He was going to college in the US though. All of his friends who were also muslim didnt really follow the muslim rules. They drank alcohol and had sex. I dont understand how a muslim guy could not accept you, if he is raised in a western country and is not a virgin. If you marry a western raised muslim, he should probably be more flexible with his values as you are. Secondly, espeically if a guy is a virgin, he probably wouldnt be able to tell when your hymen breaks. I wouldnt worry about it now. Maybe it would be better not tell your husband that youre not a virgin. There is no way he will know..

 
Old 11-30-2003, 11:15 AM   #8
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

yea...but you see a muslim guy IS allowed to lose his virginity, it's the muslim girl who can't lose it until marriage, she has to be a virgin, I know it's screwed up, but we all have our cultural upbringings..

 
Old 11-30-2003, 11:52 AM   #9
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

well thats messed up .i still say that your parents are wanting religin play a to big part of your life .but you may be a big in it. anyhow please keep us posted and i hope everythnig works out for you.all that should matter to you parents is that you are happy but i guess its just me

Last edited by jamesk; 11-30-2003 at 11:54 AM.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 12:42 PM   #10
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I'm not going to comment on your parent's beliefs, they are what they are, and you are obviously trying to accomodate them. So here's my 2 cents: while not having an intact hymen isn't proof you aren't a virgin, that doesn't matter when your husband's culture demands you have one.
If he is a virgin, he will not know what it's supposed to feel like so you could probably act your way through a 'painful' first intercourse (not let him do it all the way at first, while you 'recover'). However, there would be no fooling a man who's had intercourse before. If you absolutely need to have this hymen, there is a surgical procedure that exists for EXACTLY this reason, and you could have it done before the time comes, if you really think it is that important.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 01:36 PM   #11
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Question Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

Hey Jennicada,

First off, i want to say that I agree with the perpetually wise Thisby. But I have to ask: What does your religion mean to *you*? I'm 22 as well, and a "recovering" Catholic. Do you still live with your parents? Being the same age as yourself, I sympathize with your situation. We're at the age where we still want mom and dad to be proud of us, yet we're also trying to assert our own independance. I think you need to mull over your situation a little longer, and ask yourself some hard questions. How long are you willing to bow down to your parents' will? Do you plan on marrying a fundamentalist/traditionalist muslim? Have you looked into a more reformist structure of Islam? I know you love and respect your parents, but you are the one who's going to have to live with your choices for the rest of your life. Do you want to base those choices on what would make YOU happy, or what would keep your parents quiet? Parents can be quite surprising; mom often threatened me if I married any man who wasn't Catholic. I left the church at 15 and I'm now engaged to an Atheist, and my mom and I are as close as ever. Keep your chin up. Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

~F
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Old 11-30-2003, 02:32 PM   #12
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

I understand the situation you are in. Unfortunately, the price of equal rights and equality is often very high. You say your parents would kill or disown you for being independent, and this may indeed be true, but only by standing up for your beliefs will the rest of the world ever change and come to treat all people as being more or less equal and not someone else's property.

 
Old 12-03-2003, 01:01 AM   #13
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

i know religion is very important to your culture and unfortunately it also puts alot of pressure on you and what decisions you have made, on one hand your parents should love you regardless of the man, as long as he loves you and respects you, you could marry a muslim man and he might not be good to you but because religion has pre determined who you should marry it is a tough choice, your family's approval or your happiness, follow your heart, and do what you feel is right,you need to live your life for you, not for your parents and as far as pretending to be a virgin, i doubt the man woould ever know the difference

 
Old 12-05-2003, 09:42 PM   #14
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

I had to delete this message because of personal reasons....SORRY

Last edited by Gurl25; 12-13-2003 at 11:42 PM.

 
Old 12-19-2003, 08:48 PM   #15
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Re: I'm not a virgin, and afraid of my parents...

Hi Jennicada,i lost my virginty at 19 to a guy who really didn't have a clue that i was one (and yes my hymen was in place )till after we were done and i told him ( there was quite a bit of blood and this guy was a well known male ........hmmm how do i say it nicely ?Anyway he was very worldly and 35 ( he thought i was 25 )and he Really had no clue so just pretend you are and ignore anyone who says you'll be able to tell )!!An lots of girls don't bleed at all so don't stress that point either .Good luck and marry for love if you can it will make a world of difference in your long term happyness

 
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