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Old 11-29-2003, 10:12 PM   #1
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Unhappy BF chosing Masterbation over sex

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 3 months. He's 25 and I'm 23. We met during college and had sex multiple times a day almost every day of the week. After graduation, moving to a new state, and him accepting a new and stressful job his libido took a nose dive. I understand that he is tired after a long day of work and isn't as interested in sex as he once was. My frustration arises when he chooses his hand over me. My sex drive is as high as ever and it really bothers me when he'll sneak away to the bathroom or to the office to look at porn and masterbate when I would give anything to be having sex with him. We have sex once a week now if I'm lucky. I understand that it's normal for people in relationships to continue to masterbate even though they are participating in sexual intercourse, but I can't help feeling like masterbation is beginning to replace me. To me sex is a very intimate experience and a great chance to bond and share affection. By turning to porn and masterbation it's as if he's denying me something that I feel is extremely important in our relationship. Am I wrong to feel hurt when I catch him pleasuring himself rather than sharing the experience with me? I've purchased sex toys and I'm always willing to participate in any sort of sexual adventure with him. What am I supposed to do about this?

 
Old 11-30-2003, 07:24 AM   #2
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

First and foremost have you talked to him about how you feel?? If not that is your first step.Sit down and CALMLY talk about this. When I stress calmly I mean try to keep the emotions under control and dont be hostile or defensive. Those are things that can shut down a convesation vary fast and lead you nowhere. You have to let him know how you feel and see if you can work out a way for you both to enjoy more sex.
Also you have to remember that masturbating doesnt always mean he is replacing sex with your for sex with himself. Masturbating is a good way to relieve stress.
There is nothing wrong with being hurt by him not meeting your desires but he has to know about the problem the be able to fix it. Talk to him if you havent and if you have then maybe couples counseling so that a unbiased person cna listen to you both and help you both.
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Old 11-30-2003, 10:45 AM   #3
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Certainly discussing your need for more frequent intercourse with him is the right answer. However, I would suggest not doing it in an accusitory manner suggesting that you have been replaced by his masturbation.

Men will masturbate regardless of whether they are having sex frequently or not. As the previous poster said it is a great stress reliever which can be accomplished with much less effort (albeit not as much pleasure) as having intercourse. I suggest you not focus on getting him to stop masturbating and instead try and work with him on satisfying your needs more frequently.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 12:24 PM   #4
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

i can sympathize with how you're feeling right now. like the others said, talk to him about it, let him know it bothers you. the problem may be as simple as that he's really tired and just wants to get off, but doesn't want to be selfish because he's too tired to work at getting you off (does that make sense). but it may also be something deeper. Whatever the outcome is, take care of your needs first. i dated a guy for 4 1/2 yrs and just broke up with him a few months ago because it went on too long with him hardly giving me any, and instead getting off to porn every day (went on for more than 2 yrs like this, it'd get better for brief time periods, but would always go back to me getting some once or twice a month)
hope things get better and good luck
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Old 11-30-2003, 01:43 PM   #5
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

why do guys always HAVE to look at porn when they jerk off. like i understand that sometimes its interesting to look at other stuff and what is going on. but when i masturbate and have a bf i think about him mostly and having sex with him or whatever. once in awhile i will think about like situations that might involve other people (not specific people) but just i dunno. but it still turned me on to think of my man. but my guy would have to look at porn everytime he did it and one time when he came to visit he wanted to have sex with me and i had to go out for lilke an hour, and i came home and he had rented a porn and jerked off to it, this was like at the beginning when he shouldnt have been bored of me yet. but by doing that it made me feel that he had just been horny and wanting to have sex, but it wasnt ME that turned him on, since i was easily replaced with porn, even though he knew i would be back soon.

anyways so ya my problem with porn is that when people say girls shouldnt be insecure about it and its normal for guys to still masturbate all the time, THAT is not the problem, masturbating is not the problem, and watching porn sometimes is not the problem, but how can people say girls have no reason to be insecure or have their feelings hurt over it? the fact is people fantasize about what they want so if your boyfriend wanted you and was turned on by you most of all, why would he not think of u when he jerked off. why does he NEED to look at OTHER WOMEN in order to do it?

I had this same problem with my ex, i was more attracted to anyone and wanted to have sex with him all the time, and i thought he was this amazing wholesome guy cuz he hated strippers and couldnt stand it when girls dressed "slutty" and even if an actress took her shirt off in a movie he would say that was disgusting, but then he was totally addicted to porn, and then when i told him that i had considered it once years ago, not *********** people, but just taking my clothes off for pictures, he acted like i was disgusting and he said he would NOT be going out with me if i had ever done anything like that.

meanwhile he had to jerk off to porn to get off and acted like i was a pervert when i wanted to have lots of sex with him, he would say "there's more to life than sex" and stuff like that, and really only wanted to have sex in the morning when he was already horny or whatever. he then told me he was not turned on by seeing me naked and that was immature and that in order to get turned out we would actually have to be having sex or making out??? so he said the sight of me naked didnt turn him on alone, and when i said WHAT ABOUT THOSE NAKED GIRLS YOU JERK OFF TO, he said "that's different". so how was i supposed to feel about this. ugh. anyways we broke up cuz he felt i was too Insecure. but i think i had a reason to be.

how can guys have that double standard that they would never date a girl who got naked for money cuz its disgusting and slutty, yet their girlfriend who would never do that and only gets naked for him, has to sit around and feel like **** knowing her bf is jerking off to OTHER girls who do that.

and just so u know im not considered gross or ugly or anything like that, i do have a nice body and am told im pretty and stuff like that soooo ugh i dunno.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 05:04 PM   #6
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

I'm sorry about all of you girls that had to break up with your boyfriends over porn. I'm kind of in the same situation right now...although not as bad and I doubt that we'll break up over it.

My boyfriend still has time for me and still gets turned on by me, but like someone already said, I masturbate sometimes, but I usually think about him. I don't understand why he has to look at porn, at other naked girls in raunchy positions to get turned on. I mean what's the point of going out with me of having sex with me if he can just look at hundreds of other naked girls if he wants to?

What's the difference of jacking off to another girl that's not on video but live? That would **** me off like crazy. I would never go look at some other naked guy and be like wow, his penis is so hot, I wish I could do him. I have a boyfriend, I don't think about other guys.

There's just so much that's wrong the porn industry it really makes me sick to think about it. I'm not a prude, and I think whatever fetishes people have are fine. But pornography just advocates so much that is demeaning to women. I know that my boyfriend has seen porn from a young age like many guys, and it is not healthy for a 12 yr old boy to see a guy ejaculate in a girl's face and for her to love it, while there is no reciprication for her. Someone's first sexual experience should be with another person, not a computer or video girl.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-01-2003 at 02:44 PM. Reason: Please note edit to your post, use proper terminology.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 07:13 PM   #7
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

i think alot of it is that men need more visual stimulation than women do. when i masterbate i dont need any pics..videos etc. whereas i dont think my dh has ever done his thing without pics or w/ever. i dont think men do it to hurt us or anything of the sort...thats just how they are. ive asked my dh why he does it to pics or w.ever and hes said because he needs something to look at and i believe him, for i think alot of men are that same way.

 
Old 11-30-2003, 08:09 PM   #8
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

I'm not as concerned about his need for porn as I am about his choice of masterbation rather than sex. I've discussed my needs with him numerous times and he frequently gives me the line "a relationship is about more than just sex." If that is the case, then where is the intimacy I feel we're lacking? If I'm in the mood and he's not he considers it no big deal. If he is in the mood however, and somehow catches me at a time when I'm not feeling randy, he gives me a big guilt trip.

Last night I took a nice long bath, got myself in the mood, and attempted to initiate. At the time he wasn't interested so he brushed me off. A little bit later he decided maybe he was interested in sex, but by then I had moved on to doing other things. I suggested that we just cuddle instead but he wasn't having it. (I had hoped that maybe some cuddling might put us both in the mood for a romp). In an effort to provoke me he came into the office and opened up some lesbian porn on his computer. Apparently he couldn't understand why that action hurt me. He couldn't get turned on by me initiating sex, but he could look at some photos of women he didn't even know and was suddenly very excited.

It wasn't but a few minutes later that I found him in the bathroom. When he heard me walk by he told me his stomach was upset from dinner earlier but when he exited many minutes later his cheeks were flushed and he admitted that he had in fact been masterbating. I was very angry and hurt to say the least. 1) He chose masterbating over cuddling and perhaps having sex with me and 2) He felt the need to lie about it.

I will admit that I too masterbate but never have I done so instead of having sex with him. I masterbate either when he is away or asleep. If he's here and conscious he is my obvious first choice. This is not the first time I've caught him masterbating when he could instead be having sex with me. Not so long ago I found him with a tissue in the closet because he didn't want to get caught. If he had told me he was horny I would have either suggested sex or participated in his masterbation (I've bought him his own sex toy just for that very use). I know that he masterbates in the morning before work since I am still asleep and time is tight. What I don't understand is why he feels the need to masterbate on the weekends...the only 2 days of the week when he is relaxed enough and well rested enough to have sex with me. It's a big hit to my self esteem. Am I wrong to feel slighted?

 
Old 12-01-2003, 08:07 AM   #9
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by fairiegoddess
i think alot of it is that men need more visual stimulation than women do. when i masterbate i dont need any pics..videos etc. whereas i dont think my dh has ever done his thing without pics or w/ever. i dont think men do it to hurt us or anything of the sort...thats just how they are. ive asked my dh why he does it to pics or w.ever and hes said because he needs something to look at and i believe him, for i think alot of men are that same way.

I'm a guy and thats exactly why we do it. We need visual Stimulation. Porn gives us the ultimate visual stimulation. Its not that was are visualizing ourselves with the porn star. Its just watching other people have sex that turns us on. I understand that most Porn Stars are just acting, and not everyone is going to scream bloody murder when they have an orgasm. So its the visual and audio stimulation that gets me going.

 
Old 12-01-2003, 10:19 AM   #10
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sick_Generation
I'm a guy and thats exactly why we do it. We need visual Stimulation. Porn gives us the ultimate visual stimulation. Its not that was are visualizing ourselves with the porn star. Its just watching other people have sex that turns us on. I understand that most Porn Stars are just acting, and not everyone is going to scream bloody murder when they have an orgasm. So its the visual and audio stimulation that gets me going.

so why isn't the girl you are with ever enough?
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Old 12-01-2003, 11:27 AM   #11
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

i am 20 year old male and i dont look at porn unless i am with my girl. she is enough for me so i dont know why some guys are like that

 
Old 12-01-2003, 02:05 PM   #12
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by jamesk
i am 20 year old male and i dont look at porn unless i am with my girl. she is enough for me so i dont know why some guys are like that

^ugh^ that post just made me feel ... cuz i know ill never find a guy like that....anyways to the girl who said somethign about why arent the gfs enough....ummm i dont think its about that or whatever, like if i couldnt see my bf i would probably masturbate every night, but like it would bother me and make it so i couldnt do it anymore because while i did it THINKING ABOUT HIM, i knew that he was at home jerking off to another girls naked body...i understand porn sometimes ... i dont care if they do it to hurt you or not, guys might go cheat and not do it to "hurt" you, thats not the point, how are they resisting any temptation towards any other girl because they are still getting off to that person. i think if you start going out with someone and its still a pretty new relationship and you are thinking about them all the time and you're turned on by them, how can you NOT daydream about having sex with them and not get turned on by it. because even in the beginning he was still looking at other chicks. and its not movies that bug me so much, at least then i can pretend he is getting off to the situation and what is going on, but magazines are far worse cuz then he is just looking at how good another girl looks and getting off to that. and if most guys masturbate at least once a day that means at least once a day or more, he is staring at another girl naked and getting off to her, while ur probably thinking about him. how wonderful.

just humor us and try to think about us sometimes ... , otherwise how could we NOT think guys find the other girls more attractive. why should i be this great girlfriend who doesnt check out othere guys, doesnt flirt, thinks only of my bf, is willing to have sex whenever he wants, and wear clothes that cover me up, when he is off looking at other girls who are sluts anyways? and they make him orgasm. how can be not be attracted to another girl when she makes him orgasm, because that is what those pictures are doing. people say "oh well sex and love is different and that is why guys can look at porn"... [deleted]

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-21-2003 at 07:19 PM. Reason: Please note edit to your post. Using asterisks to disguise profanity is still against board guidelines.

 
Old 12-01-2003, 08:50 PM   #13
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oblio
so why isn't the girl you are with ever enough?

Well when a guy is in the mood and your not, or if your not around, we have to take matters into our own hands.

 
Old 12-02-2003, 05:49 PM   #14
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sick_Generation
Well when a guy is in the mood and your not, or if your not around, we have to take matters into our own hands.

That is exactly my problem thought and the whole reason I started this post! I am around and I am in the mood and my boyfriend still sometimes chooses masterbation over me. Am I alone in this matter?

 
Old 12-02-2003, 10:37 PM   #15
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Re: BF chosing Masterbation over sex

Masturbation is easy and not much effort and no stress and you know exactly what feels good for minimal effort. You know how much pressure to apply and its just about gratifying yourself rather than worrying about your preformance or pleasuring your partner.

Yeah, I mean we can think about our girl friend all we want and it's not the same as actually _seeing_ a naked woman. Personally, porno is pretty distasteful, but I still like looking at attractive women (but with clothes on!)

 
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