Does anyone have anxiety that they have to go masterbate? When I'm alone in the house I know that all I have to do is go to the computer and have a good time with myself. It creates anxiety and I hate it. Although I like to pleasure myself, I just wish I could restrain myself for sex with my wife. I like to be able to control my own emotions. I'm not into anything deviant, just straight heterosexual sex.
It's true that my wife does not like sex anymore. I'm 48 and she's 47. She just does it for me and it's usually once a week but she has to always make a face and says something about how she does not like it. Believe it or not I could have sex with another woman who really likes me alot. I know it's wrong and I hesitate to do it. Here's the weird part! My wife knows of her and says it's okay to go have sex with her as long as I never leave my wife, which I would never do. My wife wants me to be happy and she knows how much I love sex. I know for a fact my wife is not cheating on me, believe me I know! And I believe her when she says that she hates sex. Sometimes the anxiety of going over this other woman's house is so great that I can't think straight. My wife says I'm a lucky guy because not many wives would permit this type of situation. What should I do?
It would be best if she discusses her lack of interest with a doctor as there may be some health issue, especially if she enjoyed sex when she was younger. If she simply hates sex and there are no health reasons (mental or physical), then have a final discussion with her to outline the ground rules for sex outside the marriage. Understand that once you have sex outside of marriage, though, she may no longer feel obligated to have sex with you again, so if your mistress stops seeing you, you may have to go without any sex (or go back to the computer).
A tough situation, but at least you have a choice.
I suppose if your wife willingly had sex with you once a week or once every two weeks you would be more content. The fact she pulls faces and makes such an issue out of it would really kill the mood as it's the quality and not so much the quantity which counts when you love somebody. It's no wonder that you resort to the computer b/c the majority of porn always portrays a woman as enjoying sex and eager for it. You want to enjoy it with her and for her to enjoy you in return as she is the one you are in the relationship with.
The fact she is so willing to thrust you over to another woman and wont seek professional help is a worry and it's very sad. You are certain that you have explored this from all angles? could your wife be wanting more romance, to be made to feel more special? more foreplay? more adventure? is she going through menopause? I have heard about women going off sex during/after menopause. On the other hand, maybe she has been very convincingly pretending for a number of years and now just can't be bothered and is willing to admit that she just doesnt want sex.
You wont find many women willing to loan their husband out to another woman for sex. There could be complications in this. What if you become emotionally attached to the other woman and want to divorce your wife? would she then turn around and accuse you of cheating b/c you became emotionally attracted to the other woman and not just physically attracted?
If the rest of your marriage is good and you can have at least some non-sexual closeness with her, it might be best to avoid seeing another woman and stick to a once a week schedule (which isn't too abnormal a frequency for people your age, actually) and seeing the computer for those other times you need a release. If you can't get the closeness, unless kids are in the picuture, then a divorce might be a reasonable. I am not sure that seeing a woman on the side will relieve your anxieties, but only create new and different ones. You can try it and see how it goes, but once you do, there is no going back. Please let us know what you decide!
I really respect what you guys have to offer me in the way of advice. I would never ever divorce my wife. i simply love her too much. It's just a sexual thing. I really know that my wife loves me too. Could it be that a woman simply finds sex unenjoyable without having a physical or mental problem? As far as the other woman, I know that your right as far as seeing her for sex only. I happen to know that I could never fall for her and leave my wife. This is a fact that I know. Trust me! But this woman makes it soooo easy for me to just go over there and have a good time. Only in moments of weakness do I consider, but I haven't. I know in my heart what is right and what's wrong, I just wanted to get some feedback. If this woman didn't exist I wouldn't have the temptation. The once a week thing should be enough but it lacks some sincerity. But I love my wife with all my heart.
Thanks for your advice
P.S. Do you consider what I tend to do at the computer a little sleezy?
You sound like a good man. I tend to think, based on what you have written, that having an affair, even if your wife approves, will cause more anxiety. It does seem clear that your wife loves you in that while she does not like sex, she does willingly, more or less, endulge you once a week. Some men with wives who hate sex are lucky to get it once a month.
I might call your act at the computer sleezy if your wife disapproved and wanted to have sex with you, but given the situation, I see no problem with it. Consider it theraputic. Still, you might have a heart to heart to see how she really feels about it. Her knowledge that you do this and that you are attracted to another may be inhibiting her sexual response to you, though she won't admit it.
Mike, I really feel sad for you that you're in that situation, wanting sex more often than your wife is willing to do it, but yet you love her so much and won't leave her and have to resort to other ways of satifsfying yourself. I never could understand why some women don't want to have sex, unless maybe their partner wasn't a good lover or maybe for some medical reason. As far as I'm concerned, I could have sex every day, so I don't know if I'm a typical woman or not. It's not like it happens that often, though, because my husband only wants to do it once or twice a week (his excuse is that he works nightshift). It's really too bad that your wife won't seek help. I think she should see a doctor to see if she has some medical problem, or maybe it's like someone else mentioned and that she's always been this way but was just good at hiding the fact that she just doesn't like sex. I think that would be a total turnoff with the faces and comments in the bedroom. As far as you having sex with that other woman, just give it a lot of thought before she make a decision. I'm not sure what I'd do in your case, actually. That's really odd that you wife would actually condone it. I don't think I would like my husband doing that to me with another woman, but I don't have to worry about that, more like the other way around since I'm the only not happy with the frequency. I have never had an affair, though, in the 23 years that we've been married; neither has he as far as I know.
Guys thanks for all your feedback. As a matter of fact as I was reading a reply from this thread, my wife, who was sitting a few feet from me said, "If you want to "Do it" tonight it's okay with me". One thing about her is when she feels it's been about a week she does remind me! She makes me happy in that regard. One thing I forgot to mention to you guys. About three years ago my wife and I were getting a separation. That's when I started to see other woman and my wife other guys. I was like a kid in a toy store because I found alot of women on the internet, all very respectable I might add, that I eventually met and was lucky enough to have sex with. Anyway it eventually led me to THIS OTHER WOMAN! She lives about 15 minutes from me and we had sex that was so incredible. I had never encountered this before!!! I had so much fun when I would sleep over her house. Well I began to actually miss my wife and she missed me, so I know that we would never ever divorce. We needed to go through this in order to realize what we want. We want each other! I except my wife for who she is and she knows what I like. This other woman still makes herself available because the sex we had was unbelievable. This woman tries to date and find a man for herself and she still says she misses our sessions together. Another thing, my wife knows all about this other woman and has actually spoken with her on the phone very amicably. My wife really does not mind if I go over there once in awhile to enjoy myself. The thing is my wife, of course, does not want to know about it! I know I will be quite excited driving over to her house and actually doing it with her again. It's when we're finished that i will feel like ****. It's that damn attraction to this great sex that I yearn for every once in awhile. That's my dilema! Another thing is that my wife simply does not like to kiss either. This is something that I really yearn for! This other woman, when we kissed I melted. I know that I would melt with my wife because she is so hot! But yet she is cold in bed and romantically. Yet my wife would do anything for me and because of this and the fact that we've been married for 25yrs is why I love her and would never want to hurt her. We've actuall survived a potential divorce and not many couples could say that.
Well first of all she "offers" it once a week. It sometimes feels like I'm begging. And yes she did have sex with one person but she said it was just like having it with me. It wasn't appealing to her but she wanted to see for herself. Yea maybe your right that I am re-living my past through the computer. I have to also say that the computer is sort of a special thing. It happens every so often. The shower is were it usually takes place. And yes my wife knows about the computer and she is fine with it. She really is quite incredible despite it all. But like I said before "Tonights the night"!!!
Mike, I guess I'm kind of confused...in your very first post I got the impression that you had never had sex with this other woman, but according to one of these last posts of yours, it sounds like you already did have sex with her. I don't know if other people don't understand which it is or if it's just me.
It's not you, he had left out a lot of details in the 1st post. He explained more on page 2 of this thread. I think some of the details that were left out of the 1st post were pretty important to the situation. Things are a little clearer now.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
~ Edmund Burke
The extra information clears a lot of things up. The fact that you and your wife were going for a divorce and during that time you were both able to see other people isn't an issue as you were seperated. You haven't seen this other woman since you have gotten back with your wife so it's not as though you are cheating.
You must love her a lot or you are extremely patient, or a combination of both. I don't think i could stay with my husband if he didn't "willingly" want sex with me. I couldn't handle it if he pulled faces and made unreasonable comments and kept up a weekly routine, just to please me and if he never wanted to visit doctors and get to the bottom of the problem. To me sex is important as it's an extention of the love, fun, togetherness i share with him as a couple.
How long do you think you can keep things the way they are? with your wife "presenting" herself out of duty for sex once per week and having to rely on porn? To me that isn't a relationship. It would be different if your wife actually felt as though she were having fun once per week or fortnightly, then you would be much happier. I sympathise with you, but i feel sorry for her too, b/c it must be so difficult for her to not want to have sex from the heart once in a while. If it were me, i'd be deseperately searching for answers. Has she been like this all her sexual life? Has she ever had any tests done? I could be wrong, but the fact she isn't concerned and willingly would allow you to see another woman seems as if she has never enjoyed sex and has more or less pretended for your sake. If it helps any, statistics say that 2% of the population is asexual.
In his defense, there can be more to a marriage than sex. If everything else is there, and with at least weekly sex (which, again, is within normal bounds for couples their age - except that both usually enjoy it when it does happen) then this marriage is probably not due for the scrap heap. Lots of men get by quite well with weekly sex with the wife and, if needed, some solo action in the shower.
The fact that his wife tried swinging is interesting. It makes me belive that she can seperate sex from marriage and that she probably really doesn't care if he has sex with this other woman, provided it is purely physical. I am a little more inclined to tell him I think it is ok for him to see this other woman, as I don't really think his wife will care. It is still a rather strange situation, but if the frustration of having non-passionate sex with his wife exceeds that of having passionate sex with another and with the wife's permission, then it might be acceptable. I don't know. Which is lessor evil?