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Old 12-04-2003, 10:27 AM   #1
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kitkat363 HB User
Question relationships outside marriage

I have been married for 27 years. Ten years ago I had a relationship with a married man. For 5 months we met in secret we kissed and necked but we never had sexual intercourse. We did try one time, but he could not get an erection. Herein lies my problem. My husband found out about it and he does not believe that a man and woman can meet as long as we did and not have sex. He said that if I could find just one person who thought it was possible he would forgive me. So I am asking for your thoughts on this. I love my husband very much and have tried to make up to him for my wrongdoing. Its been a long time and we need to get over this. Please help.

ok guys hold on cause here goes the rest of the story....At year 10 of this marriage I did have TWO affairs. He forgave me for these and we had a wonderful enviable marriage.

At age 33 I started going to college and that is when I met this man. We had a class together and he also started working out at the same gym I did. I knew him for awhile before anything out of place happened. Then I cound myself very attracted to him. For a long time I did not tell my husband the truth about anything concerning ?.This man used me for whatever reason. It wasn't sex. It may have started out as that But he lost it , couldn't get it up. Don't know if it was me or him? We always met in public places. Be it divine intervention or whatever the sex never happened.
I completely understand my husband not trusting me. But it has been 10 years since this incident and believe me they haven't been pretty. I deserved the terrible treatment he has given me. I have not seen or spoken to this man. Shouldn't there be an end to it somewhere. A convicted murderer has an end to his sentence, even if it be death. It would have probably been easier for me if I had told him that we had had sex.That is the problem; he thinks I am lying to him about having sex. Should I have told him what he wanted to hear? It is a crazy situation. I'm bout out of my mind.

So in a situation like this is it possible for us to not have had sex ? That seems to be what it all boils down to.

Last edited by kitkat363; 12-04-2003 at 03:27 PM.

 
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Old 12-04-2003, 10:43 AM   #2
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junkbondtrader HB User
Re: relationships outside marriage

I think it's possible. Actually I know it is, because I did it. I was involved with somebody and kissed and made out, but didn't have sex for a year and a half.

 
Old 12-04-2003, 11:20 AM   #3
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pacu HB User
Cool Re: relationships outside marriage

yes I agree, it can be possible, you didnt say what made you do this in the first place, maybye that's not so important, but it might help us to better understand your situation. As for your hubby you both need to work hard to restore the trust that has been lost between you both. I wish you the best, but again yes it can be possible for no sexaul contact to go on and just a few kisses.

Pacu

 
Old 12-04-2003, 02:22 PM   #4
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Magnetic HB UserMagnetic HB User
Re: relationships outside marriage

Certainly it is quite possible,though the little fact remains that you all did try that one time. I give you credit for not trying after that.

Being so long ago, and since you never again tried to have sex with the guy after the failed attempt, you probably are due forgiveness. He should not hold this over you head. He either needs to forgive and forget or, if he can't, leave you.

 
Old 12-05-2003, 09:27 AM   #5
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: relationships outside marriage

I'm sorry Kat, but your post leaves me very amused as much as you seem to be confused. You have some issues and you need to readjust your analysis to this problem you created. This may not be what you want to hear but you need to hear it. I could give you the kid glove treatment but that won't help you, besides you won't have a problem getting that from others on this board.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat363
I have been married for 27 years. Ten years ago I had a relationship with a married man. For 5 months we met in secret we kissed and necked but we never had sexual intercourse. We did try one time, but he could not get an erection. Herein lies my problem. My husband found out about it and he does not believe that a man and woman can meet as long as we did and not have sex. He said that if I could find just one person who thought it was possible he would forgive me. So I am asking for your thoughts on this. I love my husband very much and have tried to make up to him for my wrongdoing. Its been a long time and we need to get over this. Please help.
Exactly, when did your husband find out about your latest adventure, 10 years ago or recently.
So, you tried having sex once but he couldn't get it up. Is this suppose to be justification to say you did nothing wrong? Your statement comes across as if this is the deciding factor for your husband to judge you on as if to say it was OK for you to kiss and neck. Doesn't this strike you as cheating on your husband again in some form? How can anyone claim to love someone and go out and do this, not once but 3 times? Did you love your husband when you were with these men or is this something that grew on you in later years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat363
ok guys hold on cause here goes the rest of the story....At year 10 of this marriage I did have TWO affairs. He forgave me for these and we had a wonderful enviable marriage.
So, he forgave you once which is more than most spouses ever do, for not one but two affairs. If I interpret the years correctly, you went out 7 years later and did it again and expect your husband to understand and forgive you again, still? That is a lot to ask from him at this stage in your marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat363
...This man used me for whatever reason. It wasn't sex. It may have started out as that But he lost it , couldn't get it up. Don't know if it was me or him? We always met in public places. Be it divine intervention or whatever the sex never happened.
I completely understand my husband not trusting me. But it has been 10 years since this incident and believe me they haven't been pretty. I deserved the terrible treatment he has given me...
It would have probably been easier for me if I had told him that we had had sex.That is the problem; he thinks I am lying to him about having sex. Should I have told him what he wanted to hear? It is a crazy situation. I'm bout out of my mind.
You say you were attracted to him but, "he used you.".. If you say you deserved the terrible treatment your husband has given you, what are you really complaining about?... Why tell him anything at all, especially whether you had sex or not. He thinks you are lying to him and you are suprised by this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat363
So in a situation like this is it possible for us to not have had sex ? That seems to be what it all boils down to.
I don't think this has anything to do with sex at all. It has to do with your husband forgiving once and you betraying that trust again years later and expecting to have any credibility left. I hope he does forgive one more time but I don't know how can he really expect you will not to betray him again in the future. That is what it all boils down to,... not sex.

Still, I hope everything works out for you two, whichever direction you go.

Hoop

 
Old 12-05-2003, 05:08 PM   #6
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kitkat363 HB User
Re: relationships outside marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoop
I'm sorry Kat, but your post leaves me very amused as much as you seem to be confused. You have some issues and you need to readjust your analysis to this problem you created. This may not be what you want to hear but you need to hear it. I could give you the kid glove treatment but that won't help you, besides you won't have a problem getting that from others on this board.



Exactly, when did your husband find out about your latest adventure, 10 years ago or recently.
So, you tried having sex once but he couldn't get it up. Is this suppose to be justification to say you did nothing wrong? Your statement comes across as if this is the deciding factor for your husband to judge you on as if to say it was OK for you to kiss and neck. Doesn't this strike you as cheating on your husband again in some form? How can anyone claim to love someone and go out and do this, not once but 3 times? Did you love your husband when you were with these men or is this something that grew on you in later years?



So, he forgave you once which is more than most spouses ever do, for not one but two affairs. If I interpret the years correctly, you went out 7 years later and did it again and expect your husband to understand and forgive you again, still? That is a lot to ask from him at this stage in your marriage.



You say you were attracted to him but, "he used you.".. If you say you deserved the terrible treatment your husband has given you, what are you really complaining about?... Why tell him anything at all, especially whether you had sex or not. He thinks you are lying to him and you are suprised by this?



I don't think this has anything to do with sex at all. It has to do with your husband forgiving once and you betraying that trust again years later and expecting to have any credibility left. I hope he does forgive one more time but I don't know how can he really expect you will not to betray him again in the future. That is what it all boils down to,... not sex.

Still, I hope everything works out for you two, whichever direction you go.

Hoop
Thanks for writing Hoop and there is no justification for what I did.Of course I have a whole list of handy excuses. I think that the first two affairs (which happened within a month) were curiosity, I married at age 16.And I was forgiven so easily. That may sound like I am blaming my husband, but I am not. Again though he isn't mad about the sex part. He insists that I am lying to him. That there is no way we did not do it. Should I tell him that we did. I am very ashamed of the things I've done. I definitely do not want to admit to things I did not do. But to make him feel better I would. IF it would really make it better.

About telling him. He sensed it.Like I said before we were very good together.For about six months I told him it was just his imagination. Have you ever tried to have a relationship with a big lie hanging over you.It doesn't work. At least not for me.

The old saying " You don't realize what you have until its gone". Well its true. I almost lost him and I don't want to. He is a great man and I hope he gives me the chance to show him.

 
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