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Old 12-08-2003, 09:18 AM   #1
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myriad HB User
husband and sex

hi people
i have never posted on one of these boards before. i am 27 years old, married to a 25 year old with a 2 year old daughter. i was diagnosed with bp2 and bpdnos. i used to take medication, but it never really helped. and i have a problem. i go into frequent mini-rages where i yell, throw things, and bite myself. that seems normal, it has happened for a while. other people don't know about this, only my daughter who i am alone with all day long, and every once in a while my husband. i yell at my daughter sometimes, i bite myself hard. it is an impulse that i cannot control. i feel bad everytime i do it, and i always swear to myself that i can't do this anymore. my daughter should not learn this type of behaviour.
now, i've been having problems with my husband and sex. when we first met, about years ago, i was sex crazed. we would have sex 3 times a day. bang against the headboards. a quickie during lunch. i remember having problems having orgasms. i masturbated in front of him. he of course loved all this. he is a very sexual person. during the time when i was like that, i was on medication which made me be aroused, but not achieve orgasm. i took myself off the medication. i was extremely attracted to him at that time. now i am married to him, and i am no longer the same person. by the way, i let myself get pregnant before we got married. that is why we got married. i did not feel comfortable getting married to him, i don't think i loved him. i was scared.
now i am having problems with sex. i don't like it when he touches me. it does not feel good. it disgusts me when he kisses me. i get offended when he makes advances towards me. i can have sex with him, but i am not there. i can have an orgasm, but it is mechanical. i do it because i feel obligated, and i feel sorry for him. i don't know what happened. lately my husband has been getting mad at me for not wanting to have sex with him. he gets mad when i turn him down. last night he tried to make the moves on me while we were in bed. he was getting on top of me and started to kiss me. i feel disgusted. it does not feel right. i don't want him touching me like this. he is not the right person. i actually tell him that i can't do this. i usually never say anything like that to him. i usually just make excuses, like i am tired or something. he gets mad at me and turns over. he mumbles something about being my husband, and that he can't even have sex with his own wife. i feel like crap, guilty. after a few minutes ( i have my back turned to him), he starts entering me from behind and having intercourse with me. i do not want him to. i feel ashamed, i feel offended, i feel scared. i tense up. he continues to do his thing. it feels like i am just a hole for him to pleasure himself. after a while it starts to feel good, because he is hitting all the right places. i get very wet. i feel confused. i know i don't want this. he goes faster and faster, like the men do in the pornos. i end up having an orgasm. i feel ashamed. i did not want it to feel good. i wanted to let him know i did not appreciate him just having sex with me, when i did not want it. but i could not. i did not say anything to him. i was silent the whole time. my daughter was beside me in bed, sleeping. i felt guilty. he slams into me faster and faster and then eventually comes. i fall asleep. i wake up later that night. i feel my husband rubbing up against me again, trying to enter me. i feel wet. i tell him i don't want to have sex right now. he says i am wet. i say, sometimes that happens, i can't control it, but it doesn't mean i want to have sex. he gets mad. he says, what if i make you, you liked it earlier. i dont want to. he gets up and stormes out of the room. he comes in again to get a blanket and grumbles somehing else. at one point he just grabs my crotch, he asks me something about who it is wet for and says he is going to have to find himself someone else to ****. i get up to go to the bathroom, and find out i have my period. the wetness he and i felt was blood. on the way back to the bedroom i yell at him, saying i know why i was wet, i have my period. he says nothing and ends up sleeping in the living room and left for work this morning. he has been getting upset at my lack of sexual interest. i don't know why i have this problem. i used to have sex with him. the weird thing is, i don't really have any memories of this. i just know from him telling me. i thing the medication i was one, had wiped out the memory. i think i am not attracted to him. he is extrememely attracted to me. i always feel like he just wants to use my body for sex. i don't feel close to him. he has cheated on me once, while we were apart. he slept with a waitress at his job. he says i can trust him not to do it again, he hasn't (he works all the time). but now, that i can't give him what he wants. i can't trust him. i can't leave him, because i have a 2 year old daughter, and i'm trying to put myself through college part-time. he has no degree. we both started smoking pot. he smokes all the time. he used to drink, now he subsituted it for pot. i have no friends. he always tells me that i make no effort. but i am really shy and have a hard time talking to people. the only people i talk to is my daughter. my husband, and my mom. she lives nearby. she doesn't like my husband too much, because he once knocked a hole in the bathroom door, trying to get after me during a fight. i am the violent one, no him. i threw things at him. he has never hit me before. but because of that incident she doesn't trust him. he does not understand anything about disorders. he has never bothered to look anything up. he is very insensitive about the subject of sex, and puts me down when i don't want to have it. i had no problems with sex with my last boyfriend. he looked different. he was very beautiful, effeminate and graceful, slender, tall, with long auburn curly hair. i was very open with him sexually. we played a lot of sex games. we had lots of fun. i was very much attracted to him. but our relationship was purely sexual. i don't feel that attraction towards my husband. i feel sexually shy, and won't try anything new or different. i feel ashamed of myself. i don't feel good about my body or sexuality. i can't let go. and i feel like he is taking advantage of my body. i hate this feeling. i wish i could feel comfortable with sex. our relationship otherwise seems fine. we are friends. we talk. but once he starts moving in, i back off. i wish there was no need for him to touch me. i know i would be jealous if he would sleep with other women, or even if he would love another. but, i can't deny him my body. that's not fair. it is almost as if he is crossing a line in the relationship when he wants to touch me. as if he were just a friend, not my husband. i don't want him to leave me. i have no one else. but then again, sometimes i do want him to touch me. but it just never feels right when he does. it feels slimy. i don't know what to do. i can't tell anyone about these feelings. i had been seeing a therapist, but i can't really talk to him. i am another person publically. no one knows about these things that go on inside my head. i seem very aloof on the outside and unapproachable. on the inside i am totally insecure. i am supposedly attractive and sexy, but i don't feel like it. i walk around wearing black with hair hanging in my face. i used to dress really provocative, but since i have been married, i dress conservatively. i really just a very confused person. i sometimes don't even know if i like men. my ex-boyfriend used to cross-dress and that suited me just fine. my husband know looks quite boyish, but he is not graceful. i don't find him attractive. what do i do? is that a reason to get a divorce, if you don't find your husband attractive? what about my daugher? i know my husband will try to get custody of her, but i can't let go of her. i just can't. i love her with all my heart, and i would die if i would lose her. besides, i am the one with her all day, not my husband. help me. i know i am a good person, but why can't i just have a normal life?

 
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Old 12-09-2003, 02:16 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 118
MilkNKisses HB User
Re: husband and sex

Oh my, I would have to say, get help now. You are biting yourself in front of your daughter.. your husband is having his way with you while she is in your bed .. if this isnt what you want .. then change it. Get help. Your mom lives close, go there .. take your child and get into a good therapist that can help.

Im not saying that medication will fix you .. Im saying you are obviously not ok right now .. and it could help ..

After having a child our bodies change and our feelings about our bodies change .. this is very normal. It is also very normal to not go back to the same sex life you had pre-pregnacy .. but to be honest your lack of sex drive should be the LAST thing on your mind right now.

Get out of that house, get some help for you and your child. THEN work on your relationship with your husband.

There is no NORMAL life .. everyone has problems .. some more serious than others but everyone has them. You have to be comfortable in your own skin .. and its obvious you arent.

Please talk to someone, your mom a doctor .. someone. Good luck. I will think good thoughts for you and your family.
__________________
Mother is the word for god on the lips and hearts of children. - the crow

 
Old 12-11-2003, 06:59 PM   #3
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christie s HB User
Re: husband and sex

Hi Myriad,

First of all, you really need to get yourself help, NOW. Go to your doctor and tell them what you told us, about you biting yourself and how you are feeling. I can understand that you do not want to have to take medicine all your life, but until you can function normally without it, you really need to take it. You don't have to be on the same medication as before, find one that will work better for you.

Do you think you could be supressing something from when you were younger? I have a good friend who was sexually abused when she was little and sometimes she cannot stand for her husband to touch her. It makes her physically ill for him to even make an advance towards her. Everything that you said about feeling ashamed, guilty, scared and feeling horrible about liking it even tho you didn't want it or knew it was wrong, is exactly some of the things she has told me. That is just a thought, not trying to say it is true in your case.

You need to learn to love your body, obviously your husband doesn't have a problem with it if he is wanting to have sex with you that badly. I'm sure he is confused and saddened by your reactions to him.

For the record, I do not believe that the answer is to leave your husband. Work on making yourself better, then maybe you will feel different about how you feel about him. You do not want your daughter to grow up biting herself because she sees mommy doing it. I know you aren't meaning too and it happens before you realize it , that is exactly why you need to get on the right medications.

 
Old 12-11-2003, 09:07 PM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: southeast usa
Posts: 194
magnolia HB User
Re: husband and sex

Hi Myriad. You can have a "normal" life, but not while you are unstabilized. You need to find a psychiatrist that will work with you in finding the right medication and dosage for your bp2. The sexual problems, the biting of self, the rages, everything you are describing are all related to your bipolarity. It will not get better until you seek and maintain treatment. There are more medications than before for bipolarity, so something may help you now, if a medicine did not help you in the past. If you chose not to receive professional help for you, yourself, then by all means, do it for your daughter.

You mentioned that you could not talk to the therapist that you had. Find one that you can talk with, one that is good at establishng rapport and encourages you to open up. "Shop around" until you find one. Some bipolars use a psychiatrist for the medication monitoring while they use a therapist or counselor for all other "talks".
Please keep us posted as to what you decide to do.

 
Old 12-29-2003, 11:34 PM   #5
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Pootsi HB User
Unhappy Re: husband and sex

Myriad,
That was such a sad story! And you do tell it very well. I almost felt like I was you. You're a talented writer.
You sound so sad!
I really think you have to do what is right for YOU.
From what you explained, it just doesn't seem like your husband respects you at all. He's got to know that something is wrong and that you are really suffering. He must have a sex problem himself. It should not just be skin deep like that between a man and a woman that truly loves each other.
I think you are feeling that disrespect, and maybe you are realizing now, that it's killing you inside. You are not respecting yourself, making yourself do something you don't want to do anymore.
I didn't remember if you mentioned that you love your husband. I think that if you don't feel like you love someone anymore, it would be really hard just going through the motions. And it really wouldn't be fair to him either.
Little children can feel what you go through, it wouldn't be healthy to be feeling the way you do and sticking in a relationship that really isn't real inside. It just sex. Also, to be able to have sex when your child is in the bed next to you, that tells you right there! It's not healthy at all. Your daughter will be truamitized by all that.
Wearing the black and all that. Look at all the messages you are giving yourself loud and clear.
You need to change your life, if not for you, for your daughter!
Maybe you need a new therapist. If you really like someone, you will be able to open up. A good, honest professional that truly cares, you will subconsiously be able to tell, that you may be able to feel comfortable enough to open up.
Don't ever give up. Make the changes, only YOU can make it happen not anyone else. As for making friends, as a human being we need to have other people in our lives! We have to have friends in order to never lose hope, especially in times like this. You sound like someone that has a lot that people can use and learn from. Share yourself and let people in. It's okay to have problems and worries and all that. Otherwise you would be superficial and boring. Everyone has issues! Some are better at hiding it than others, and they are the sicker ones believe it or not. People get closer to real people. And that is how we all get close, by sharing and helping each other.
Remember we have only one life to live here, let it be a good, pure and happy one. Your daughter needs to see and experience that from you to in order for her to know how to be happy and healthy.
I wish you the best.

Pootsi-

 
Old 12-30-2003, 02:20 PM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Brooklyn,NY,USA
Posts: 123
KingFootie HB User
Re: husband and sex

myriad,

I can't help but think that you and your husband are victims in different ways. It's clear that the medication had an impact on you sex life, but we can't blame the medication for everything. Although it takes two to tango, you intentionally allowed yourself to get pregnant, so that you could marry this guy. Maybe, you were attracted to him for his sexual abilities to satisfy your urges, I don't know. But, even before the marriage, you felt uncomfortable yet you went ahead with it anyway (however, to be fair most people feel a bit uncomfortable getting married)

He married you for better or for worse, but you married him out of fear/insecurity/lust. Now, after marriage you are completely disgusted with him and the mere idea of him touching you, is sickening to you. I know this might sound insensitive, but it sounds more like he's the victim. Yes, he did something horrible and he cheated; but I think that most husbands who are deprived of sex from their spouses will eventually cheat.

One thing I would like to know though is, whether he cheated and then you found out and became disgusted OR if you avoided sex and then he cheated. That's important to know because it will help to explain why youíre totally disgusted with him.

Personally, I think both of you need help to iron out the issues in your marriage; the challenges you're facing are not irresolvable. Most issues in marriage are resolvable, but it may take a third party to help put the marriage back on track.

Finally, I used to be a bit like you; I didn't have many friends and I pretty much stuck to myself. But there was always a yearning to have friends, to hang out and enjoy my life; I eventually joined a band and was surprised at how easy it was to make friends. Now, I have friends all over the world, who are always contacting me. Why not join a health-spa or some other club that interests you (maybe you like tennis, volley ball, swimming, aerobics, etc).

Whatever you decide to do with your life, just remember that we (meaning everyone on this board) are here for you and we want nothing but the best for you and your family.

Be strong.

Last edited by KingFootie; 12-30-2003 at 02:23 PM.

 
Old 01-06-2004, 07:29 AM   #7
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jamesk HB User
Re: husband and sex

the bet thing i can think of for you two to do s just talk ...tell each other how you feel with out yelling...if you keep this up no one will be happy ...talk and try to understand the other

 
Old 03-05-2004, 05:31 PM   #8
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 71
GTIVR6 HB User
Re: husband and sex

myriad:

Three words for you: Get Help Quick!

This is not normal. No man should ever enter you without consent. That is rape. There is just SO much going on here that it nearly defies comment.

We all hope things work out for you in the end.

Good luck!

G

 
Old 03-08-2004, 07:52 AM   #9
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: middle east
Posts: 71
Smallcap HB User
Re: husband and sex

I believe you need to consult with a relationship psychotherapist or a doctor. This is not usual and the eventual end to all this is divorce. I believe you need to take a short vacation with your husband for three to four days. Try to make it as romantic as you can. Then, openly, discuss all these issues with him. From there, I believe you can start to have an idea/view of the future of this relationship. But, see a Doctor/Counselor first. Do not involve your mother at this stage.....Thanks and good luck ....

 
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