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Old 12-14-2003, 01:56 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Germany
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greatgirl HB User
How long until not using condom anymore?

Hello!
I have some concerns and I really would appreciate your advices.
Me and my boyfriend are now together since 3 months.
He was married for 15 years. Has 2 children. (Just some info on the side).
We love eachother deeply.
Well, of course, we are using condoms when we make love.
He is "fixed", meaning, he had an operation 3 years ago, which won't let him have anymore children.
So, if we decide to stop the condoms, that worry would be not there.
But...
I told him, when the day comes, when we would do it without condoms, it won't be without both of us being tested, that should be clear!
He understands and is willing to do that, if I said "Go!" he would do it today.
But, he doesn't seem to understand why I am so so focused and hesitant on that subject, because he said he also feels a little hurt like I would accuse him of being someone who is just having sex with just anyone.
I already told him of my past, that I always met men who were not what they pretended to be in the beginning and that I have been lied to big deal so of course my trust is, after all those experiences, building very slowly.
I admit, that, yes, I do have an issue with trusting someone now, I have a very hard time, and even when I don't have a reason to distrust, I still assume and jump to conclusions, I am working on that.
But then I also told him, as long as he and I have some little insecurities or tiffs going, which always throw me back in my trust a little, it will take me a bit longer to be on the 100 % trust level.
He now is afraid, that no matter what we have a discussion about, I would make a big thing out of it and take it as a reason not to trust him, but I explained that it is only this way because I am still getting to know him and his actions.
When there is a comfort level, where I can say: Oh, when he does this or that, he doesn't mean that it is this or that, etc. then I will probably be at ease.
Am I making any sense here?
Anyone of you who has been in a similar situation or knows how I feel?
I love him so much, and I also want to be as close to him as I can be,it is so hard for me to convey to him why I am so super cautious.
He now thinks I try to tell him that he is not trust worthy. Not at all what I meant!
Phew, this is tough....

 
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Old 12-14-2003, 07:03 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: SC, USA
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wondertwin44 HB User
Re: How long until not using condom anymore?

I get where you're coming from. I, too, have trust issues with men. I was screwed over so badly by an ex that it's left me like that. Personally, I don't think 3 months is really that long. I would still be using a condom. When you are having trust issues, it's better to be safe than sorry. He may have a problem with it, but if he wants to be with you, he's just going to have to deal. Also, I've heard of women still getting pregnant after the guy has been fixed. It doesnít happen often, but be careful.
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Game over. I had to accept the fact that in life some women are simply better and no amount of shoes or lack of pastry or making of pies will change that. I will never be the woman with the perfect hair who can wear white and not spill on it and chair committees and write thank you notes. And I can't feel bad about that.
Carrie, ~SATC~

 
Old 12-15-2003, 04:03 PM   #3
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,190
Magnetic HB UserMagnetic HB User
Re: How long until not using condom anymore?

You are not being reasonable given your past. It is sometimes difficult on the honest guys to be made to feel like they are dishonest; but it will be the dishonest guys who will try the hardest to get you do something you are not really wanting or ready to do.

If he really cares, he will wait for you. Still, be sure to try to give him the benefit of a doubt every once in a while. If he sees you being too unreasonable he may bolt, but if he does it was probably because he really didn't care for you so much after all.

I might also add that some STDs can take more than a few months to show up, and I think a minimum of 6 months of a monogomous relationship should go by before giving up the condoms. If you two can stick together for 6 months, then there is probably a good basis for trust. Just remember that a lot of women have been infected with STDs by men who swore they were clean. And also realize that generic STD checks do not test for all STDs.

 
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