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Old 12-19-2003, 11:42 PM   #1
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Question Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now, and lost my virginity to him soon after we started dating. He is the only guy I've ever had sex with. Our first few years together were great, however we're living together now, and our relationship is going down the drain (he has a prescription drug problem)- so basically I've decided I'm leaving him within the next few months, after I help him deal with some of his issues.

I'm obviously not the type of person to go around and have casual sex, but I do want to get back out on the dating scene. I'm only 22 and haven't had a chance to "play the field".

I was just interested to see how others felt about waiting until marriage to have sex- and how realistic that situation is now. I'd especially like to hear frow women who have waited, and also opinions from men on whether or not they would bother waiting for a woman they were in love with.

Just curious I guess

Last edited by Guardian; 12-20-2003 at 05:29 PM.

 
Old 12-20-2003, 11:15 AM   #2
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Some men will wait, others will dump you after a few dates of not getting any, and others will try to wait, regarding you as a challenge, then possibly give up after a while if you stick to your goal.

Obviously, the one who dump you soon would be those you would never want to marry anyway, but some of those in-the-middle guys might actually be good marriage material but if they found someone else who was able to give them sex (men in their 20's obsess about sex and would be easily distracted) and cause them to leave you if you two had what might otherwise be a temporary spat.

I do not know what your definition of "no sex" is, however, and this could make a difference. If you say no to everything beyond basic kissing and touching, you will find it much more difficult than if you allow for other types of sexual activity. Some men might be afraid you are "frigid" if you refuse all types of sexual activity, whereas they may be ok if you only restrict them to intercourse. In this case, you might allow for mutual masturbation or even oral sex. Doing this let them know you are indeed a sexual person, and you can also see them in a sexual situation so you can make sure they are the type of person you want to share your bed width (i.e. that they are not too big or too small down there, that their desires are in synch with yours, etc.).

Certainly, don't use sex to get a man - it never works out in the long run. Use it to make a great relationship ever better.

 
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Old 12-21-2003, 07:46 AM   #3
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

I'm a guy, and I would definitely wait until marriage for a woman I was in love with. I mean if the woman I was in love with wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, I would be fine with that, provided I was in love with her and was positive I would be marrying her. I mean Rosey Palms and her 5 daughters have served me well up until this point, so what's a little more waiting?

Now if the relationship was only so-so, not in love, and doubtful it would ever lead to marriage, and she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, I would move on and find another woman.

 
Old 12-21-2003, 09:43 AM   #4
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Magnetic has some good points in her response, but what are you going to tell the guy when your new relationship gets to the subject of sex. I mean, it's not like you're going to get your virginity back by waiting for marriage. No offense intended.

Most of the time we hear the girl is a virgin and is waiting for marriage. Nothing wrong with that. Are you going to tell the guy you are a virgin and lie to him? If you tell him you are not and then say you are waiting for marriage, he may dump you right there on the spot. I mean really, how do you think a guy would react to that statement. You may be sincere, but a guy may take that comment as hypocritical and kind of stuck up considering you are not a virgin anymore. Then again, there are guys that will admire you for that and accept it, but they will be harder to find in my opinion. My own personal feelings about this, I would respect you and admire you for it... then I would dump you.

Stick to your guns and do what makes you feel right, just realize what you are asking a guy to try to understand. It may be more then many are willing to accept.

Hoop

 
Old 12-21-2003, 11:58 AM   #5
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

I've been with my guy for a full four years and we are both still virgins. That's not to say we haven't been "sexual" with each other, but we want to save intercourse for marriage. It really hasn't been an issue at all.....we both felt the same way right from the get-go, so it's never been a problem with one of us pressuring the other.

If he ever threatened our relationship because I wasn't sleeping with him, I would've dropped him in a heartbeat. It's a person's right to want to have sex, but it's also a right NOT to. I think it's important to find someone you are compatable with so that it doesn't become an issue.

 
Old 12-21-2003, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

As Hoop says, you cannot get your virginity back, but that doesn't mean you now have to have sex outside of marriage. Just tell the guy that while you are not a virgin, you regret giving it up previously and you simply want to wait until marriage to do it again. Nothing wrong with that and if he can't understand then he can go date someone else.

A lot of girls who gave up their virginity and regretted it continued to have sex with others as they thought they were somehow soiled and now had to do it with with any boy who asked. I mean, just because you gave it to someone before does not give any boy the right to expect you to put out for him if you don't want to, and if he is dating you because he thinks you are loose, then he doesn't deserve you.

 
Old 12-21-2003, 10:59 PM   #7
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Is it really necessary to drop the 'marriage' bomb?

Wait until you're comfortable -- tell him that -- if that's before or after marriage, who the hell is he to tell you you have to be any different?

A person who will respect you will be comfortable with waiting until you are ready and comfortable. If you don't feel ready and comfortable outside the confines of a marriage, then that's a personal decision you make.

Maybe it's a personal thing I have, but I really really really don't like putting definable limits around things -- time frames, "By next month", "two months into the relationship" "the tenth date", "marriage", of times that are appropriate to have sex.

Have sex when you want to have sex. If he's pressuring you, move on. That simple.

I know that personally I see people who jump up on a soapbox and yell out the "I am waiting for marriage!" line as people with either religious reasons or people insecure about the sexual end of things and trying to use that angle to protect themselves from an otherwise awkward situation.

I think perhaps the discussion of when-to-have-sex should be left until you know each other fairly well (which is at your discretion) and that first blurting out "I want to wait until we're married" will spill out a lot of preconceived notions that you're probably not bucking for -- things like "Holy cats, we've been dating for 6 weeks and she's already talking marriage?"

Of course, the whole of it is still up to you -- and I will say I admire you for not throwing yourself face-first into it -- just that being careful about how you approach the "I do not want to have a sexual relationship/sexual intercourse at this time" issue. It's one of those things that should not be a primary first-date introduction-to-me information, and should rather be discussed as close acquaintances with a fair amount of back story on one another. (This means that he knows about your previous relationship and perhaps, some of the whys, if you're comfortable handing them out.)

 
Old 04-01-2005, 11:58 AM   #8
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I think waiting until marriage can be a realistic situation if people changed there view. I believe in waiting. When I was a teenaged girl, I witness many girls with babies. I didn't want that for myself. So I was going to share my body with the person I meant to marry. I don't have the time or emotions for hanging with someone for a few months, sleep with him cause he "loves me" then break up, and do the same thing with the next Tyrone, and so forth. When does the carousel stop spinning. How much emotional and sexual baggage must one carry down the aisle. If you want to want til marriage I think there's nothing wrong with that. That'll dwindle down the men who are only looking for a new bed buddy. People holler about how wonderful sex is, and its sholved down are throats daily through music, movies,and books. And you feel way alien if you made it through college without sexing it up. But what about love I mean true love. A relationship with two people who have respect for one another, love, devotion and trust. Their relationship can stand the test of time. So much emphasis is put on the instant pleasuring. I need to test drive him or her. Might suck in bed. If you need to sleep with the football team to be a good lover, Then you must never heard of Karma Suta. If you purchase that book and others about the art of lovemaking. Their shouldn't be a problem. You don't necessarily have to have "sexipericences" before marriage. To please your spouse. You can read and learn alot about sex. Though I 'm a virgin in my 20's. I know sex is more than a penis meeting a vagina. Sex shouldn't be done out of obligation and expectations, but it should be the inimate and ultimate manifestations of love between two hearts, mind, bodies and soul.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-01-2005 at 03:35 PM. Reason: This is a sexual health board, not a religious board

 
Old 04-01-2005, 12:16 PM   #9
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Generally, we seek to engage in long term relationships with those that we have determined are long term potentials. Long term often leads to mutual acknowledgement of love and to discussions of commitments in the form of marriage.

If a person you have determined is long term material will not wait until you are ready to have sex, then this is a deal breaker red flag that identifies them as not long term material.

Anyone that loves and respects another will understand and wait till the other is ready. That is a part of the "love" package. If you feel you have to have sex to keep a possible long term keeper, you are compromising your own integrity and self respect.

There is no rule that says you have to sexually play the field. Do as your conscience dictates.

 
Old 04-01-2005, 02:21 PM   #10
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

It is whatever a parson chooses to do sp I am only speeking fpr myself, I love sex I have never been in a situation where the female chose to wait, but if she had I think we probably would have had a problem to deal with, again I cant say what would have happened since it never happened but I do know we would have had a problem.

 
Old 04-02-2005, 12:04 PM   #11
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

I still think it's unfair to say that premarital sex is in the same boat as being promiscuous.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 12:42 AM   #12
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

I think if it's really important to you to wait until marriage to have sex, I'd say go for it. It might be frustrating to potential husbands, but it's your decision.

I have known 2 couples that waited until they got married to have sex. The problem with this is that both their weddings were rushed. They both dated less than a year before they got married. In my sister's case, I think they should have spent more time getting to know each other before they tied the knot.

They were in such a big hurry to get married, that the wedding itself was stressful, and the moving in together a big shock to them and their 1st year of living together was particularly difficult because they didn't know each other well enough.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 05:56 AM   #13
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Quote:
Originally Posted by catherine123

They were in such a big hurry to get married, that the wedding itself was stressful, and the moving in together a big shock to them and their 1st year of living together was particularly difficult because they didn't know each other well enough.
Getting to know each other thoroughly is vital to a successful marriage. Living together before hand is an option some people take but seems to not have a good track record for lasting marriages. More divorces begin as living together than do not.

 
Old 04-03-2005, 06:26 AM   #14
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Quote:
Originally Posted by wrin
I still think it's unfair to say that premarital sex is in the same boat as being promiscuous.
I agree with this quote 100% because there is a complete difference and the 2 should not be compaired in any way!

 
Old 04-03-2005, 01:00 PM   #15
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Re: Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
Living together before hand is an option some people take but seems to not have a good track record for lasting marriages.
That's a sketchy statistic with dubious accuracy since it was gleaned from a study about divorced couples. Just because a majority of their sample of divorces happened to people who'd lived together doesn't mean a majority of people who live together get divorces.

Statistics are very, very easy to manipulate.

 
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