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Old 01-14-2004, 01:14 AM   #1
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Past relationships

I met a girl 2 years ago, fell in love and got married. Before we go married we talked a bit about past relationships, she said she was engaged once and had a couple of intimate relationships. I figured, no big deal, I was in love and we were married. Now, I just found out that Within the year before we met she slept with 4 guys, and that she started having sex at 12 and has slept with 29 guys! She is 26. Anyway, she lied to me about this. She told me things when we first met like, "I don't really like oral sex", I found out different from her best friend about that, and then when I asked her, she said it was no big deal, she only did that with 9 or 10 of the guys. She told me she ran a singles ad on aol and had mostly 1 night stands with these guys. Also, she told me she had 3 abortions getting preg. by 3 different guys. I have such a problem with all of this. Just meets these people, has sex, oral sex, and who knows what else. This is not the girl I thought she was. I fell in love with her and married her, but now, I am sick over this. She says she will never cheat on me, and believe it or not, this is not something I'm worried about. I just can't believe the things shes done. She even told me that in college she would just pick someone up at a party and ask them back to her dorm room for sex, not even noing this person, it was a contest with her friend to see how many guys they could do. I thought I was special to her, but now I don't know what to feel. Please give me some insite into this. I don't want to hear just forget about it, cuz I can't. Now I know why she didn't want me around her friends at all before we were married.

 
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Old 01-14-2004, 03:34 AM   #2
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Re: Past relationships

One question: How would you feel about one of your guy friends if he had the same history? I realize she is your wife but she must love you and is devoted to you because she married YOU !
I have actually two questions. How many partners have you had?
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Old 01-14-2004, 04:35 AM   #3
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Re: Past relationships

How did you "find out"? Did she willingly share this info with you?

Why she would tell you this stuff is beyond me. Perhaps she needs your comforting to get over what she has done. 3 abortions has got to be a hurt that is unbearable.
Maybe she was searching for "love" and that is how she did it.

I understand your concern and I hope you can come to terms with it all.
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Old 01-14-2004, 07:54 AM   #4
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Re: Past relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomsgirl
One question: How would you feel about one of your guy friends if he had the same history? I realize she is your wife but she must love you and is devoted to you because she married YOU !
I have actually two questions. How many partners have you had?
How many partners have I had? None that she didn't know about before we were married! I was completely honest with her before I took my vows, I didn't hide anything from her. My biggest problem is that I found out from her "best friend" that she wasn't honest with me, and when I asked my wife aobut this stuff she was almost bragging about what she had done. She actualy told me she had NO regrets! Some crap about we would have never met if this hadn't happened to her in her past. What the hell does that mean?

Last edited by sadlostl; 01-14-2004 at 08:02 AM.

 
Old 01-14-2004, 08:00 AM   #5
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Re: Past relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by kamilla
Yeah thats a really good point tomsgirl.

I bet you or your friends have had alot of partners.. and besides, she has devoted herself to you, your the one that she wants to be with in sickness and in health right?... if you TRULY LOVE your wife then you will learn to put this behind you, have you talked to her about it?... maybe she feels dirty for what she did and your so consered with your problem about it you haven't even asked her. Remember she was young once and so was you. your both mature adults with a marriage now, try to leave it in the past because it's where it belongs and aslong as she isn't doing it now whats the problem???
Yes, we were both young and had partners, but I didn't lie to her about my past before we got married, she did. I can't understand why she is almost proud of what she has done. I also have friends that she works with now, and she talks about this, what shes done with other guys at work. She does this now, 2 years into our marriage. It sucks to have your friends telling you what your wife did with this guy and that guy when shes the one telling them. Like I said to another person that responded to me, she tells me she has no regrets! I can't figure this out.

Last edited by sadlostl; 01-14-2004 at 08:03 AM.

 
Old 01-14-2004, 08:34 AM   #6
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Re: Past relationships

I'm sorry that there seems like a lot of betrayal going on between you right now. You are probably having trust issues, like not knowing whether she's ever being truthful with you.

If this was truly all in the past, what would it take for you to let it go? What can she do or say reasonably to make this go away? Is it as simple as, "Honey, I wish I had not misrepresented those things to you," or "I wish I could say that I saved myself for you, but I didn't and I really need you to accept that." You are the one being hurt by your thoughts. She probably did her hurting and grieving in the past and has managed to get past it. Even if she didn't, will you drag her through broken glass every time either of you fall out of the glass house?

It hurts right now. Write out your anger, your frustrations, your pain. Then burn the pages and give it up to something greater that can bear your burden. You might have to do it several times. At some point, it will really burn out.

Best wishes,

Marj

 
Old 01-14-2004, 12:04 PM   #7
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Re: Past relationships

You have to look at the woman that you've known for the past two years. She is the one you really live with. You are confident she won't cheat on you. Go with that.

You are shocked that she doesn't feel bad about her wild life. She had a wanton attitude about sex and doesn't apologize for it. Her attitude has changed, but her past CAN'T be changed. Feeling guilty about her past wouldn't make her a better person now. She made the decision to put it behind her and look for a normal relationship with ONE man.

You're upset because she left out a lot of details about her previous sexlife. Be honest, if you knew right up front about her would you have given her a second look? I doubt it. She knew this. She knew she had no chance of having a normal relationship with a nice guy like you if you knew all the gory details. Her only mistake was not moving to another town and starting completely over. She kept her friends and they know all about her, that's why she tried to keep them separate. She laughs with them about her experiences because they know her and it would be two-faced to appear contrite about them now. I wonder why her "friend" thought you needed to know?

For the last 2 years she has been trying to do the right thing, and now you are going to punish her for things that happened before you even met. When you confronted her with the news that you now know about her, she told you EVERYTHING! She put her future in your hands. She probably thought that the jig was up and she had no choice but to blurt it all out. She can't be sorry for her past because she hurt nobody but herself. Unfortuneately, it only provided you with mental images that are preventing you from focusing on your relationship as it is today. You can't get past her past in order to deal with the present.

And now she's waiting for you to decide what you are going to do. You were part of her personal salvation, and what you do may affect the course of the rest of her life. Think about the qualities that you've seen in her that you love. Know that if you can get past this you will have forged a bond that will withstand anything life can throw at you.

She put her past behind her. Now you need to.

I'm praying you'll make the right decisioon.

 
Old 01-14-2004, 05:30 PM   #8
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Re: Past relationships

What kind of "friend" would go out of her way to tell you these details about your wife? It sounds like a friend who would like to have you to herself...and someone that your wife should dump.

jenna

 
Old 01-14-2004, 06:32 PM   #9
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Re: Past relationships

supertrooper, you say she put it behind her, then why does she still talk about it at work. The people at her work were not her friends, they were mine. She did not know them until we were married and she got that job. None of her old friends work there!

 
Old 01-14-2004, 07:24 PM   #10
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Re: Past relationships

i'm with you.
i think that kind of behavior is pretty disgusting..

but what actually matters now is that she's dedicating herself to you, regardless of her past..

you can't honestly tell me you don't luv her anymore 'cause of her behavior can you?

i mean sure, it's pretty disgusting and lacking self-respect to sleep with random ppl you don't know, and even make a game of it with her girlfriends, but jeez, you married this woman.. you obviously luv her.

 
Old 01-15-2004, 12:12 AM   #11
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Re: Past relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadlostl
supertrooper, you say she put it behind her, then why does she still talk about it at work. The people at her work were not her friends, they were mine. She did not know them until we were married and she got that job. None of her old friends work there!
sadlost-

I honestly hope you dont take this the wrong way but I think you may be SEARCHING for something bad in your relationship. Sure it is going to bug you, and sure you are going to be upset.... but for one if you loved your wife, truly loved her you wouldnt listen to ANYTHING other people tell you about her or what she has or hasnt said! For two she probably tlaks baout it becuse you bring up so much with everyone else that she feels that is all she has to talk about! And maybe she isnt over it but she has learned to deal with it!! DO you have any idea how she really feels about herself or has this whole problem been about you? It is something you might want to consider! If I were you I would sit down and talk to her tell her how these things bug you but also ask how she really feels maybe she doesnt regret any of them becuase they have helped her become the person she is today! But it is possible she still looks down on her self for them. But before you do any of that I would suggest trying to find soem goood in your wife first.... All this has made you see all her bad is there ANYTHING good about her anymore?
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Old 01-15-2004, 06:28 AM   #12
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Re: Past relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadlostl
supertrooper, you say she put it behind her, then why does she still talk about it at work. The people at her work were not her friends, they were mine. She did not know them until we were married and she got that job. None of her old friends work there!
Okay, that wasn't clear in your first post. You'll get nothing out of this if all you do is nitpick our responses. If that were the only problem here then you could ask her not to participate in those discussions in the future. (You can still do that.)

She talks about it at work because maybe sex came up and she has a lot to say. She isn't ashamed of her past, you are. She might even look upon that time fondly. After all, the sex was great. It's like guys talking about great games they played in during their school years. But those days are gone!

"Before we go married we talked a bit about past relationships, she said she was engaged once and had a couple of intimate relationships. I figured, no big deal, I was in love and we were married." This is a major mine field for a lot of people. How many would have been too many for you? 5? 6? 11? 22? I bet you started that conversation. She knew the whole truth would scare you away, so she gave you part of the truth. For most people it's better left at "I'm not a virgin". Anything after that is just information that can be used against you in the future. She can't go back and erase her past.

This is a BIG PICTURE question. If you can never look at her again without seeing her with all those other guys, then you have to leave. NOT because of what SHE did, but because YOU are incapable of handling that infomation. Everything else in your time together has been acceptable. You have no doubts about her fidelity to you. (Which is encouraging.) Are you willing to throw all that away?

Is there really ANYTHING she could say or do to help you get past this?

 
Old 01-15-2004, 08:07 AM   #13
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Re: Past relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by supertrooper
Okay, that wasn't clear in your first post. You'll get nothing out of this if all you do is nitpick our responses. If that were the only problem here then you could ask her not to participate in those discussions in the future. (You can still do that.)

She talks about it at work because maybe sex came up and she has a lot to say. She isn't ashamed of her past, you are. She might even look upon that time fondly. After all, the sex was great. It's like guys talking about great games they played in during their school years. But those days are gone!

"Before we go married we talked a bit about past relationships, she said she was engaged once and had a couple of intimate relationships. I figured, no big deal, I was in love and we were married." This is a major mine field for a lot of people. How many would have been too many for you? 5? 6? 11? 22? I bet you started that conversation. She knew the whole truth would scare you away, so she gave you part of the truth. For most people it's better left at "I'm not a virgin". Anything after that is just information that can be used against you in the future. She can't go back and erase her past.

This is a BIG PICTURE question. If you can never look at her again without seeing her with all those other guys, then you have to leave. NOT because of what SHE did, but because YOU are incapable of handling that infomation. Everything else in your time together has been acceptable. You have no doubts about her fidelity to you. (Which is encouraging.) Are you willing to throw all that away?

Is there really ANYTHING she could say or do to help you get past this?
Thanks! I didn't mean to pic apart your responses. And the conversation about our past histories was brought up by her. She wanted to talk about what I had done with other people. Anyway, I have read the rest of what you had to say, and alot of it makes sense. I guess I need to get over this or move on. I do really love her. The biggest problem I guess I have is that she talks all this stuff and told me all this stuff, and long before any of this came up its been like pulling teeth to have sex, and oral sex is not to be mentioned when it comes to me and her. So I guess I have unreasonable expectations to get the same treatment as the other guys shes been with. I'm not willing to give her up, and I'm not willing to bring this up to her again, cuz I do not want to hear anymore. I did ask her to stop talking about it at work, because it makes me feel terrible. Hopefully she will listen to this. I also told my friends I don't want to hear it out of them anymore. Hopefully they will listen, because they will go out of my life long before her. Once again, thanks. I don't understand why she is like she is to me, but I can't help taking it personal.

 
Old 01-15-2004, 10:04 AM   #14
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Re: Past relationships

I'm glad you responded because you may have just provided important pieces of infomation there. I guess I missed the part about your married sex life. It's starting to sound like she was sexually abused at some point. Your response looks like a list of abuse symptoms. Sometimes the victims of sexual abuse use sex as a substitute for love. When they actually find love they try to disassociate sex from it. NOW the way she talks about her past seems like she's struggling to come to grips with it. You'll have to ask her. Pay attention to her reaction to the question as well as her answer. She might get defensive or angry. She might collapse in a heap on the floor. She might just turn to stone. If you look carefully, you might get just a glimpse of the truth. It may be the most important piece of information you can get from her.

If you think she WAS abused, you can know that none of this has been personal. You'll need to encourage her to get help, since this is too big a problem for her or you to deal with on your own. It could be a very bumpy ride for both of you. She'll need lots of love to get through it.

I'm praying for both of you.

 
Old 01-16-2004, 04:10 AM   #15
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Re: Past relationships

Sadlostl, I have a couple of things to say about your situation. I do not agree with what your wife does as far as her conversations with people about her past. If it is in her past and she wants it to stay there and keep you loving her, she should keep her mouth shut! As for her time before she met you, I can understand why she kept it a secret, I have done the same thing. I am 23 years old and had been with 137 partners, yes, 137 before I was married about a year ago. My husband has no idea, and I do not think he would have married me if he had known. I have never talked to others about what I do or have done. I never sat and told my friends what I do when I go out, so there is not too much my husband could hear from friends. I do not want my husband to know because as you know it only causes pain and questions about your relationship. I will never cheat on my husband, I love him dearly and plan to be married to him for life. I was wild as ever before I was married, I did just about anything you can think of with guys, but this has nothing to do with who I am today. Think of this, your wife went out with plenty of people, but she chose you. Myself, I think going out like I did helped me pick the right guy for the rest of my life. Maybe thats what your wife meant by she has no regrets. It might not be what your thinking. If your wife has thoughts of you as I do for my husband, you will be very happy if you let the happiness stay in your life.

 
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