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Old 02-07-2004, 12:28 AM   #1
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MoonGoddess672 HB User
Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

Well here is where my story begins. When I got pregnant I didn't show until my last few months, all I had was a tiny little pouch and then one day I woke up with a huge stomach covered in stretch marks.
Honestly they didn't bother me, I thought of them as beautiful and as apart of pregnancy and I always had my husband telling me how beautiful and sexy I was so they didn't really toggle my mind. But when I went into labor and had to have an emergency c-section the one nurse said " LOOK AT ALL THOSE STRETCH MARKS!!!" my heart sank and I felt like a pile of dog-crap.
But I got over it, I had a beautiful healthly son a loving husband, I was in heaven. Then after six weeks of being home and I started to get back into reality, I started taking notice of my body and how horrible it seemed to be, I knew I just had a baby but for some reason I really thought that I was going to be a lucky one and have that beautiful flawless tummy. Anyway sex started to happen again, but I felt so disgusted having my husband look at me that when we would start out I would look at him and ask him how he could stand making love to me. Well let me tell you after about a hundred times of that happening his loving words of encouragment and healing turned sour and he and I would get into fights about me always beginning so caught up in my body image.
I was never one to care about my outer appearance but for some reason I couldn't stand the body that I was living in now, and it hurt worse cause everytime I brought it up to him he would remind me that our beautiful son was the creator of those marks and how I must really resent him for doing that to me. That made matters worse because now not only was I depressed about my body, I was depressed about being so depressed and that I was placing blame on a little innocent child.
Well as the months passed on everything seemed to disappear, life was going back to normal. I would still look at my body from time to time but I was more focused on my son and living the life that I had and not wasting time batting myself over myself. My husband was better than ever, honestly he is more attracted to my body now than before, he says he loves it because it bore life rather than vanity. I began to open up to him about why I was depressed and I told him about the nurse and I told him how I felt being young and having to see other young girls having babies and having that flawless figure. My depression seemed to disappear and him and I not only had a healthy mental relationship but again a healthly sexual one as well.

Well lately we have been talking about having another child but I do have fear that again I will have to go through the same depression and if I got more stretch marks that it might be worse. I brought it up to my husband today and he immediately reacted in anger again saying how he wishes he never got me pregnant and that he doesn't want no more children with me because he doesn't want his children being the blame of my depression and sadness.

I feel so alone right now, I know he loves me for who I am and I know he only wants me to realize that I should accept myself, but right now I have so many feelings rushing through me. I feel so stupid for complaining about something as silly as stretch marks, I hate myself for any unknown blame that I possibly placed on my son and I hate myself for not being that person I thought I was, I use to never care about my body image I was always down to earth. But my husband doesn't want to listen and told me he doesn't want to hear me even say another word about the subject.
What do I do, I feel like an idiot!?

 
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Old 02-07-2004, 08:22 AM   #2
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marj HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

Pregnancy is hard on the body and the mind. There are so many hormones at such high levels to sustain this...parasite (!)...that will become your beautiful child, with all the good and bad that comes along with it.

Pregnancy related depression and emotional problems are common. If you haven't visited the Pregnancy pages, please do so. You're not alone. I also recomment ath you and your husband talk to your OB/GYN about this, so you can work through it together.

God bless,

Marj

 
Old 02-12-2004, 10:31 AM   #3
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TheSlayer HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

I know exactlywhat you mean when I had my first chhild I was 22 and I had a great figure-well like you I got major stretch marks and too had an emergency c-section.no more wonderful figure.there are things you can do to tighten things back up-but first you need to know what actually happens to your body during pregnancy-your abdominal muscles actually stretch to the degree that they may not meet in the middle any more-even after you deliver-this makes you wider in the middle and harder to tighten up those muscles after because pregnancy-depending on your body can cause permanent damage-compounded by having to be cut into to have the baby removed! but this doesn't mean that you cant work on those musscles to try and strenghten them-you can repair alot of the damage that the pregnancy caused! talk to your OB-he or she can reccommend excersises to get back in shape-also-it is a fact that the better in shape you are before pregnacy and how well you take care of yourself during pregnancy helps with the muscles and stuff. so what you can do is strengthen those muscles as much as you can to get back in shape and your second pregnancy won't do much harm at all-I had another child too and the second one didn't really make a difference at all! but the fact is that stretch marks will never go away-but they do fade and start to look better after a while-the c-section scar will fade just like the stretch marks too! it gets better-but don't be afraid to go through another pregnancy cuz the damage is done(so to speak) and I promise ater a while depending on how your body heals-your body will go back-as long as you take care of yourself before during and after the pregnancy!..good luck-The slayer

 
Old 02-12-2004, 02:31 PM   #4
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Angel77 HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

Hon, sounds to me like you're suffering from post partum depression. It's centered on your body because you feel to blame and feel bad about yourself and this is something tangible to focus on. I understand your frustration about your body, but take your hubby at face value, most men don't waste time saying things they don't believe.

You're not blaming your son, from what I hear, you're blaming your body for not keeping up with the Joneses and staying tiny and taught. Very few women have this type of body, lord knows I don't and never will. I have some stretch marks too and asked hubby one day what he thought...."Don't know, never really thought about them. They aren't something that registers when I see you." My hubby is a man of very few words and will never waste time or brain power trying to make something up or sugar coat it. One time, I had been so down on myself and felt like, If I pointed out my flaws, then he wouldn't have to....cuz afterall, I'm sure he was just as bothered by them, right???? Nope, he was worried about 2 little stretch marks under his ARM PIT!!! They have the same fears. You just need to understand that it is your issue and if you make it his, it will only hurt you more.

I still have my issues and realized that my ppd was so severe after my first, that when I got pregnant with my second, I talked to the doc ahead of time. She gave me an estrogen patch that I wore for 8wks after giving birth to help the horomones stay more balanced. They helped a lot.

Stop pointing out what you feel are flaws to your husband, if he agreed, you'd know it. If he thought you looked awful, would he still want to make love to you?? Beam with pride that you're the mother of his son and gave him a gift that no other could? No way, waste of time. He loves you for you. You do need to get some help and it may take anti-depressants to get over it. It by no means, suggests that you are a nut if you take them, just that this depression has taken a chemical form.

Also, on the pregnancy board, I posted a subject on post-partum depression, probably about 3-4 pages into the board. Don't know for sure, but it has many different experiences on it. You are not alone. Please don't let this eat at you to the point of ruining a wonderful marriage. Eventually, if you can't pick yourself back up, your marriage will suffer. It won't be because he finds you unattractive or ugly, it will be because he can't live with the constant negativity and sorrow. It will only further break your spirit....don't let it. Your precious son needs you and your hubby and from what you say, your hubby worships the ground you walk on. Let him...accept it. Just because you don't feel it about yourself, doesn't mean that no one else is to think you're beautiful!!

A song that's become my anthem....ONE HOT MAMA....TRACE ADKINS....country music for those who don't know. It talks about his wife's fears about what she used to look like and what she does now and then goes into how....while you're worried about your size and the way you used to be, meanwhile I'm trying to catch, the breath you took away...and believe me you still do...........it's the basic, not the exact words I'm sure, but you get the picture! I crank that sucker up every time it's on and for at least those few minutes, I feel beautiful.

Please look up the info on the pregnancy board and in the mean time, take care of yourself................(((((((hugs))))) ))...........Angel
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Old 02-13-2004, 08:58 AM   #5
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Brohan HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

MoonGoddess672,

I am a married male who has been with my wife for almost 10 years. We have two children and my wife has had two C sections. I can say she has the marks, but honestly that is not a turn off or a concern. I don't really even pay attention and have never worried about them. I look at my wife as a wonderful woman overall. not focusing on inperfections. I know being a balding man, that there are times I look at myself wondering why did this happen to me? I am not going to give you some long winded advice, just state that you are a great mom and wife, and its ultimately the inside that matters.

Best wishes to you and your family,
Brohan

 
Old 03-03-2004, 09:56 AM   #6
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TruthaboutLife HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

Wow your husband is a sympathetic ball of love isn't he? On one hand be glad he does feel the way he does, but d*mn, what a way to express yourself. You're not suffering from normal post baby blues at all, you're just feeling sad because you wanted to be like all the other 'model' mothers and be out pushing your beautiful baby in it's stroller with everyone else admiring your new child's beauty whilst admiring the fact you have never looked better or happier!! We all want that. Sad fact is, for most of us, including me, we're left with bodies we have no mental affiliation with. Inside we still feel the same, but the mirror returns to us a rather ghastly and distorted version of us.

I feel ya. So do millions of women. The straight up truth is you want your husband to tell you "to me you haven't changed, I still find you sexy and attractive" and jump your bones!

 
Old 04-14-2004, 08:55 AM   #7
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blonde1 HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

Whatever you do stay with your husband because a new man won't be as forgiving.I get asked on a daily basis if I intend to hit the gym,I've also been informed that gee I'd look a lot better if I had plastic surgery to remove the scars,stretch marks from my stomach area.Sex is something that used to bring me great joy,not so much anymore.

 
Old 04-14-2004, 09:01 AM   #8
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Cold shoulder from loving hubby (long story) :(

^^^^^^ ??????

Oh come on now. Most of us women who have had kids have either stretch marks or lumpy areas or both.

Not all men would be that shallow.

Talk about give every woman a put down and no hope for the future.

 
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