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Old 02-24-2004, 01:42 PM   #1
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villagegal68455 HB User
tired of insecurities

hi all,
i posted a little about my situation in another post, but thought i would make my own...

starting out, back when my hubby and i first started dating we used to go to porn shops together and all that stuff...i was really open about him looking at other women and such...soon after we started getting serious, my hubby confessed that he was really insecure and jealous and asked if i could refrain from looking at porn or going into chatrooms...i obliged, because i didn't care about giving that type of stuff up...the only catch was, he had to give it up too because what goes around comes around...

well, just after new years in 2003, i woke up one morning and found some porno and stuff in our history on the computer...i was really upset because we had an agreement...he made up a story that i've never actually believed but decided to give him a second chance and dropped it...and by that point it was starting to bother me...he promised he would never do it again...

then, just after new years this year, i woke up and again found porno and 40 some (no joking) profiles of women on there...some naked...i was furious this time...he had made a promise twice...i ended up walking out the door and when i came back later we had a four hour argument...he said the reason he did it was for revenge...

you see, when he was going thru basic training i met a lady online who's son was in the same flight as my hubby and we were later stationed together...i promised this guy's mom i would take care of him and make sure he had a place to go on the weekends...luckily, hubby and him were friends so he was able to come over...well, i guess my hubby's insecurities kicked in and he got it stuck in his head that i was having an affair with this guy...instead of talking about it, he let it boil and boil and finally decided revenge by doing this stuff on the computer cause he knew it would hurt me...

he felt really bad when i claimed that i should divorce him because he kept making and breaking promises and because he didn't talk to me about it...we finally had a long talk and i thought we cleared all this up...he has now promised on our unborn children he will never hurt me like this yet again and he knows i will leave him if he does....

the problem with all this is, i think it's wrong of me to tell him he can't do these things...it really bothers me cause i'm so insecure...and i can't find a way to shake it...i just want to be like other woman and not have to snoop around on the computer to see if he's keeping his word...i want to be able to send him off to a stripclub for harmless fun with the boys...why am i so jealous and insecure??? but i know this will never happen as long as he's jealous and insecure too...

just last night, i happened to see a message he was writing to his buddy about a stripclub...his buddy said that two women sat on his lap and my hubby replied with lucky b****** and a drooling sign...even this made me upset...

i really love my husband and i realize we both have a problem...we just moved to a new base and things are so hectic that we don't have time for marraige councelling...can any of you give me answers on how to deal with the insecurities or why we are having them...i don't want all of this to destroy our marriage...help us please
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Rachel Leigh
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"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
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Old 02-24-2004, 02:30 PM   #2
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Re: tired of insecurities

First of all, this isn't about porn. It's about trust and communication issues between you two. The porn was just a weapon he had handy. Your two lives have been in a whirlwind the past year with so many changes for both of you. If things start to settle down maybe you can come up with a way of dealing with this type of issue that involves talking.

You two are probably young. He sees you giving what he sees as too much attention to another man. That's HIS perception. I'm assuming he isn't a talker, so he just stews about it. He maybe looks at porn for no particular reason, until he finds out it makes you unhappy. Bingo! The tool of revenge is at hand. He hurts you and now he feels "even". The problem is the trust bond between both of you is severely damaged. Hopefully you will be able to get some kind of counseling to reestablish that trust. You "cleared the air" but it isn't over for YOU. I bet if I asked he him would say it was taken care of. You are having trouble getting over the fact that he broke his word to you, so you don't trust him otherwise. He made another promise to you but you don't really believe it, do you? Therein lies the problem. Until you can relearn to trust him you will always worry about what he MIGHT be doing behind your back. The porn is just a tangible thing to attach your worries to.

I think the message to his buddy about the stripper is just a guy thing. How can that hurt you? You are LOOKING for smoke, hoping to find a fire to justify your worries. I'm not sure I've given you a solution, but maybe now you see the real problem.
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Old 02-24-2004, 03:26 PM   #3
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Re: tired of insecurities

you have hit it on the head...it is all about trust and that's what he keeps taking away...i can't trust him to not cheat or anything if i can't even trust him to not look...i think it will take a lot of time before i can trust him again, but when i do, i think i will be fine with the porno...hopefully anyways...he did find that as a weapon to use against me...

we are starting to talk more...he realizes i don't trust him and is trying very hard to gain back what was lost...and no i don't believe his promise this time...how can i? that's something he's just going to have to prove thru time...

as for the thing last night...i thought about that and got over it...i do realize it's a guy thing and if someone asks you if a gal is hot, the correct response for a male is to say yes...and i realize he wasn't saying it because he wanted to be in his friend's position...it was more he was rooting his friend on...

youre like the first person to acknowledge it wasn't about the women, it was the trust...and the fact that he did it this last time just for revenge was the worst part...and youre right...he grew up just letting things stew and it's hard for him to open up about his feelings...since this incident he has really been trying to talk about them more...and someone told me once that him thinking about me having an affair was just as bad in his head as if it was real because it felt as bad...that's why he felt the need to make me feel his pain...

maybe time and some councelling is the only thing to cure all this...thanks for listening...
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Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

Last edited by villagegal68455; 02-24-2004 at 03:27 PM.

 
Old 02-26-2004, 11:32 AM   #4
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Re: tired of insecurities

Hello, I have no way of letting you know how we are doing, but I found you placed a message, and I want you to know I am hoping everything gets better... my husband and I sat down and I really let him know how I felt... any how he never realized how much it hurt me...here is part of his e-mail to me from work the next day....

I can't say I didn't deserve it, because I do, but that hurt. I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you, but I have promised to never do it again. I know it is a problem that I have, and it is actually one I have fought with for years. It never was an indictment against you or my love for you. I cannot undue the past, but I can effect the future. You have not failed as a wife, but I have failed as a husband, period. As I would rather die than inflict such pain on you again, I can truly give my word that this will never be a problem again.
I do not want this episode to further harm our relationship; I could not live without you. I cannot convey my sorrow at having caused you pain. I can only say that I am sorry for having failed you as a husband and a friend.

I love you with all my heart, now and forever.

I want to thank you and all of the others that responded to my post... but especially you, I know how you feel and I will pray that your marriage can work through this as well...of coarse I told him that he did not fail me, just hurt me a little... but a little secret, since this was all brought out he has became the best husband I could have ever dreamed... the computer has not even been a problem... Thank you again... and please keep in touch with me...

your friend that understands

 
Old 02-26-2004, 12:34 PM   #5
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villagegal68455 HB User
Re: tired of insecurities

i'm glad to hear that it sunk it to him how much it hurt you...some guys would just shrug it off, say that kind of thing is okay, and continue the behavior....

i think it has sunk in to my hubby as well...he has been an awesome husband to me since all this in jan as well...he goes out of his way to make sure i am happy and sticks only to playing his computer games on the computer...

i am glad that neither of us is alone in this...i brought it up to somebody on base last week and she told me to get used to it cause all guys will do it...i thought it was really rude...i believe that if somebody doesn't like something in a relationship, the other person should respect that...my hubby hates the idea of me going into chatrooms, so i haven't been to one in years...and you know what...i don't care....a chatroom isn't worth hurting my partners feelings...

that e mail your hubby sent you was so sweet and sad...i'm sorry to say it, but my hubby felt like he failed me as a husband as well...it's not about failing, it's about learning...and i think both of our husbands have learned what hurts us...

btw, i've only been married since nov 20th, 2002, so i'm still a newlywed myself...

take care and i will keep in touch...i have hope that both of us can work thru this in our marraiges...maybe it'll make us even stronger than before! i'll be around...
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Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

 
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