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Old 03-03-2004, 09:34 AM   #1
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Thumbs down Whats wrong with our sex life????

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Last edited by SweetTemptation; 03-11-2004 at 07:48 AM.

 
Old 03-03-2004, 10:31 AM   #2
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blj97 HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTemptation
My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months and dating for 9 months. After a few months I noticed that our sex life started to deteriorate. Well, we agreed we would work on it, but now its just getting worse. We now only have sex once every week or 2!!! I am in my early 20's and my boyfriend is in his late 20's. We decided early on in our relationship that the lack of sex was a lack of communication, we both felt denied whenever either one of made advancements at the other one. I felt so denied that I finally stopped making "moves" on him. I havent really initiated sex in months now!! Well we talk about it all the time, and its really starting to hurt me. Its not that I need sex that often, but just the fact that we dont have sex bothers me. I know its not cause hes cheating on me. I have started making rude comments now because I get frustrated, and thats probably scaring my bf even more to have sex with me. Im probably shooting down his confidence. I dont make comments about him, just things like " Im gonna have take care of myself cause I never get sex from you" or random things like that. We have talked about it numerous times and he told me he just has a low sex drive, but he didnt when we first met, and every time he was single he always slept around and was so horny. He told me that he feels sex is for the single life? What does that mean?? He said when hes in a commited relationship he doesnt think sex is that important, he'd rather focus on other aspects of the relationship. It is just getting worse and worse, we havent had sex in almost 2 weeks and I sleep naked EVERY night! lol

Ive noticed that now he doesnt even seem to be getting errections very often either. I dont know if its just me he doesnt like, or if hes experiencing sexual difficulties??!!!

The whole issue of sex with us has now become very uncomfortable I think for both of us. I know if I were to try to get him in bed, I would feel very uncomfortable doing so.
I just dont understand because when we do have sex we both enjoy it!! Whats up with this?? Its really shooting down my confidence.

By the way, Im very attractive, so its not that. I could go sex from some other guy in a minute if I wanted to, but I want MY BOYFRIEND to want sex from me, not some random guy!! Help!!!!!
I know exactly how you feel, but I am the problem in our relationship me and my boyfriend of 2years and living together for a year and a half have literally only had sex 3times in 8months. He is very frustrated, and I am the one who has no desire at all. I love him more than anything he is very good looking we are both 29 and are pretty active. I love to kiss and hold him all day, but sex no way oral sex never. I dont know why? It drives me nuts I have not even masturbated in 8 months it was like a switch that one day I just had no desire and before we did it all the time. He has never cheated nor have I, I have never loved someone as much as him which is why I am so confused. Wish I could help you, but obviously am in the same boat.

 
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Old 03-03-2004, 01:58 PM   #3
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Katyana HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTemptation
My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months and dating for 9 months. After a few months I noticed that our sex life started to deteriorate. Well, we agreed we would work on it, but now its just getting worse. We now only have sex once every week or 2!!! I am in my early 20's and my boyfriend is in his late 20's. We decided early on in our relationship that the lack of sex was a lack of communication, we both felt denied whenever either one of made advancements at the other one. I felt so denied that I finally stopped making "moves" on him. I havent really initiated sex in months now!! Well we talk about it all the time, and its really starting to hurt me. Its not that I need sex that often, but just the fact that we dont have sex bothers me. I know its not cause hes cheating on me. I have started making rude comments now because I get frustrated, and thats probably scaring my bf even more to have sex with me. Im probably shooting down his confidence. I dont make comments about him, just things like " Im gonna have take care of myself cause I never get sex from you" or random things like that. We have talked about it numerous times and he told me he just has a low sex drive, but he didnt when we first met, and every time he was single he always slept around and was so horny. He told me that he feels sex is for the single life? What does that mean?? He said when hes in a commited relationship he doesnt think sex is that important, he'd rather focus on other aspects of the relationship. It is just getting worse and worse, we havent had sex in almost 2 weeks and I sleep naked EVERY night! lol

Ive noticed that now he doesnt even seem to be getting errections very often either. I dont know if its just me he doesnt like, or if hes experiencing sexual difficulties??!!!

The whole issue of sex with us has now become very uncomfortable I think for both of us. I know if I were to try to get him in bed, I would feel very uncomfortable doing so.
I just dont understand because when we do have sex we both enjoy it!! Whats up with this?? Its really shooting down my confidence.

By the way, Im very attractive, so its not that. I could go sex from some other guy in a minute if I wanted to, but I want MY BOYFRIEND to want sex from me, not some random guy!! Help!!!!!
The merits of living together prior to marriage is that you both settle into things and get a taste of married life.

I'm sorry to say it, but your boy friend is completely normal....for him. He has a low sex drive, you have a higher one. Badgering him about it will do no good other than to make him feel inadequate, and maybe even angry. And it will make you even more frustrated than you already are.

Lay off of him and take care of yourself privately. Also, stop making the snide comments about "having" to do that. The thing is, is that you don't "have" to do it; it's something you want to do because your sex drive is higher than his and you need more orgasms than he does. And this too is completely normal....for you.

You will either have to adjust to the fact that sex will be once a week or two (with nonsexual cuddling and holding in between), and the rest of the time you will have to masturbate. or leave the relationship and seek out a more suitable partner with an equal sex drive.

It's not an easy decision, but it's an important one. Can you live the rest of your life with a man that only wants sex 2 or 3 times a month.. maybe less in the future? It's not fair of you to badger him for his normal low sex drive. Nor is it fair to you to want more sex and not be able to have it with the man you love.

 
Old 03-03-2004, 02:03 PM   #4
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Katyana HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

Quote:
Originally Posted by blj1974
I know exactly how you feel, but I am the problem in our relationship me and my boyfriend of 2years and living together for a year and a half have literally only had sex 3times in 8months. He is very frustrated, and I am the one who has no desire at all. I love him more than anything he is very good looking we are both 29 and are pretty active. I love to kiss and hold him all day, but sex no way oral sex never. I dont know why? It drives me nuts I have not even masturbated in 8 months it was like a switch that one day I just had no desire and before we did it all the time. He has never cheated nor have I, I have never loved someone as much as him which is why I am so confused. Wish I could help you, but obviously am in the same boat.
Have you started on any kinds of medications in that time? Anti Depressants and Heart medications tend to decrease sexual drives.

Testosterone is the main hormone that runs our sex drives. Maybe you have a hormone imbalance that can be corrected by simply taking a pill to alter the hormonal balance and give you more testosterone to increase your sex drive.

See your doctor and tell him that you have no desire for sex and that you would like your hormone levels tested. I know it's embarassing to talk about some topics with strangers, but your doctor has probably heard everything that you could possibly throw at him and then some.

Once you know what is wrong, it's a step to correcting it

Last edited by Katyana; 03-03-2004 at 02:05 PM. Reason: Spelling

 
Old 03-04-2004, 05:48 AM   #5
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SweetTemptation HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

Thanks for the comments so far. To add more the story... My boyfriend is very affectionate with me. He kisses me and holds me, plays with my hair, even touches me in a sexual way often, but it never ends up in sex. For example, last night, he was rubbing and massaging my whole body for about 15 minutes. I, of course, loved it and got very turned on. I was thinking it would turn into something, but after a while I realized he wasnt even hard, and he eventually stopped and we went to bed. We didnt even mention sex, and maybe he wasnt even thinking about it at the time.

I guess my biggest issue is that I feel that he just doesnt like sex with me and hes not attracted to me. He told me that every time hes had a steady girlfriend, they never had sex often, so Im not the only one. I guess Im just feeling really undesireable right now!

A question for the guys though....Why would he have sex so often when hes single, but once he gets into a relationship, he doesnt want sex anymore? I dont understand that?!?

 
Old 03-04-2004, 06:44 AM   #6
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Katyana HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetTemptation
I guess my biggest issue is that I feel that he just doesnt like sex with me and hes not attracted to me. He told me that every time hes had a steady girlfriend, they never had sex often, so Im not the only one. I guess Im just feeling really undesireable right now!

A question for the guys though....Why would he have sex so often when hes single, but once he gets into a relationship, he doesnt want sex anymore? I dont understand that?!?
His low sex drive has NOTHING to do with you. You are taking his low drive personally.

Are you sure you are prepared for 50 or 60 years of having sex only when he feels the desire for it... 2 or 3 times or less a month? You aren't coping with it now, how do you plan on coping with it for the next several decades?

 
Old 03-04-2004, 06:10 PM   #7
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Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

I'm not sure I agree with Katyana, I think this sounds more like a psychological issue with your BF, rather than just a low sex drive issue. To me it sounds like he has a hard time combining the emotional love of being in a relationship with the physically sexual part of himself. I have known some men like this. As soon as they feel a real close loving bond with a woman, they start shutting down sexually. The clue to this would be his sexual agressiveness when he was single, and I assume when you two first got together.
I know a woman that had a similar problem with her husband, when they went to counseling it ended up that her husband had been sexually abused once as a child, and he developed this detachment in his relationships later on. I'm not saying that is what happened with your BF, but there may be more to the story as to why he's doing this.
It couldn't hurt just trying to keep the communication open, without anger and hurt on your part. I'm sure that's not easy, because you are bound to feel rejected over this. I wouldn't accuse or give ultimatums, but he needs to know that you are feeling that the sexual part of your relationship is giving you great difficulty and you want to make it better.

 
Old 03-06-2004, 05:41 AM   #8
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Smallcap HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

I believe you need to change your life routine and talk openly with him, and take it easy because this will creat a syco effect on both of you.. I would say give it some time

 
Old 03-08-2004, 06:48 AM   #9
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MadSkillzGal HB User
Re: Whats wrong with our sex life????

I think I've read a few of your posts Sweet and there are many negative issues in your relationship. It doesn't appear to be just about the sex, there was internet cheating and also your mild depression. Do you think maybe this man is making your depression worse? Sometimes you can love someone but concede that together you may just not be right together. Sometimes men hang on to relationships that aren't working because they don't necessarily want to be alone. Isn't sex supposed to be what makes a couple, a couple, and not just friends? If I was living with a man and not getting fairly frequent sex I would think to myself I've just got a room mate. Whatever happens, good luck. Life is too short to be so miserable.

Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 03-08-2004 at 08:39 AM.

 
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