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Old 03-09-2004, 03:37 AM   #1
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Joseph Orion HB User
Question The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Hey everyone.

I met this really awesome girl. We've been together for about a month and we haven't had any sex so far. No oral sex, no touching. We've been playing it really cool because we don't want to ruin anything. I'm really digging her and she's really digging me. We are genuinely happy together and I can't really remember the last time I've been so happy.

But there's a "catch" I guess...

On Valentine's Day (our 4th date but 1st TRUE alone date), we were talking over dinner and she told me she wasn't sure if she should tell me this YET or not but she said when she was younger she was a ****. She said she was like this through high school and slept with almost 4 dozen guys. Since then she's been tested for STD's and whatnot and come up clean and has totally changed her ways, obviously. When I first heard this, I was floored. I almost choked on my food but kept it cool. Because I wasn't even thinking in the sexual sense yet. For the time being, I just saw her as a really cool friend and someone I love spending time with. So as time went on, we started getting a little more personal and now are in an exclusive relationship with each other and we have started to talk about sex. We both agree that we aren't ready yet and want to take everything slow.

But now, as we are now a lot more touchy and whatnot, I start to wonder... Is her past simply that? The Past? Should I not even think of it? I mean, I wouldn't even be stressing if she never even told me. I admire the fact that she told me though because we have been totally honest with each other and have both told each other our secrets that we wouldn't usually tell others. I trust her and she trusts me. Now another thing is that now that I know she's been with so many different people... I'm having insecurities about how I stack up with ALL of those people. It's insane. I think it's really the big thing I'm having trouble with. Obviously I can't be better than them all but It just kinda sucks.

Do I just let the past go and have fun and look to the future? And if so, what can I do to kill all these nervous insecurities about sex with her? Everything's so crazy

 
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Old 03-09-2004, 05:25 AM   #2
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Smallcap HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

My friend, every one has a history. I believe she is a great girl and she loves you. If she is a real slt., she will never tell you about her past. She wants to be very clear as she is finally finding her way out with you. Do not let any bad ideas ruin the good start good luck. One more thing, she will not have any problem in terms of sexual education, you what I mean.. Thanks

 
Old 03-09-2004, 05:41 AM   #3
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Salinas1 HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smallcap
My friend, every one has a history. I believe she is a great girl and she loves you.
My opinion is slightly different. I believe she may be a great girl and it is possible that she loves you. Too many people make these presumptions quickly only to have time and experience tell them otherwise.

My advice is to not dwell on the past, but also to not move quickly. What's the hurry? There is none. Take it slow and experience many different things with her. Get to know her over time and her you over time. There is no way to sum up a person in a month, so don't fret over trying to do it. The courts are littered with divorce cases where two people were so sure of who the other was, before they actually did.

It sounds like you are having a great time with her. Enjoy youur time together and don't be consumed with the past or the future. Time will uncover both of your true character and values. Then your questions will be answered.

 
Old 03-09-2004, 06:38 AM   #4
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Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Thanks for the replies. I have spoken to some online friends because she told me not to tell my "friends" about it. So I've been talking to more or less online acquantances and they say the same thing. Don't dwell on it and have fun. I wouldn't even post this here but I really really like her. I won't say love because, like Salinas said, it's only been a month and we don't totally know each other like that yet. I'm just looking for better ways to cope with this because I am indeed very much into her and really REALLY want this to work. So far it's been nothing but fun. We've had 2 small disagreements but we talk it out and discuss it so that we can find a solution rather than lashing out down the road when something else happens. I could go on and on but I know you understand how much I like this girl. So in short, I'm not trying to say "oh should I leave her over this?" because it's totally not the case

 
Old 03-09-2004, 06:53 AM   #5
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Only, 4 dozen? Is that all? Nothing to worry about if she has been tested and given a clean bill of health. Look at it this way. The girl likes sex and seems to have a casual approach towards it. That could lead to an interesting and fun relationship. Knowing that, forget the touchy, feeling stage and move forward. I mean, you've dwell on that too long already, I would think.

It was nice of her to be up front about her past with you. The timing may have been a little off to tell you that on Valantine's Day though. But, no big deal. Nevertheless, she is layng it all out on the table. You can't get more honest and direct than that.

If you feel insecure about how you stack up, talk to let her and let her know about it. It's your turn to be up front with her. If she has these strong feelings for you as well, as you state she does, she will understand and will help you put your insecurities at ease. You will do OK.

You can't change her past, and I don't see a reason why you would if you could. So, forget her past and move forward. Look to the future with a positive attitude. That's how I approach life myself.

Hoop

Last edited by Hoop; 03-09-2004 at 07:01 AM.

 
Old 03-09-2004, 07:25 AM   #6
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Katyana HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph Orion
On Valentine's Day (our 4th date but 1st TRUE alone date), we were talking over dinner and she told me she wasn't sure if she should tell me this YET or not but she said when she was younger she was a ****. She said she was like this through high school and slept with almost 4 dozen guys. Since then she's been tested for STD's and whatnot and come up clean and has totally changed her ways, obviously.

Do I just let the past go and have fun and look to the future? And if so, what can I do to kill all these nervous insecurities about sex with her? Everything's so crazy
I'd say this girl has ALOT of integrity!!!!!!!! She didn't have to tell you this. She wanted to. Which means that she respected you enough and liked you enough to confide something she isn't proud of.

Have you never made a mistake in your life? I would think you have. We all have done things in our past that we aren't proud of and sometimes even ashamed or embarassed about. Would you want it held against you or over your head for the rest of your life? No, I don't think you would.

Give the girl a break. Thank her for trusting you enough to share that with you.... and then let it alone. Never bring it up, especially in a heat of the moment arguement where some people just love to throw up things in people's faces (something I detest in alot of people). The past is the past. Leave it there.

 
Old 03-09-2004, 07:43 AM   #7
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Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoop
Only, 4 dozen? Is that all? Nothing to worry about if she has been tested and given a clean bill of health. Look at it this way. The girl likes sex and seems to have a casual approach towards it. That could lead to an interesting and fun relationship. Knowing that, forget the touchy, feeling stage and move forward.

Hoop
That's a pretty insensitive thing to say.

Just because she slept around as a teenager, doesn't mean that "the girl likes sex and seems to have a casual approach towards it." It could mean that she had a low self esteem and was seeking approval from people; in this case man. To a young girl with a low self esteem being the center of attention and popular with the "boys" is a total high...a boost in confidence... at least while they are fauning all over her. The let down after the fact is devestating; to find that someone who wanted you so much, no longer wants you and was using you is a huge blow to the ego... and I venture a guess that this young girl had at least 4 dozen such blows to her ego.

Perhaps her family life wasn't the best. Maybe she felt unloved or unwanted. Maybe she was seeking that love and attention and looking for that feeling of being wanted and needed by sleeping around. I'd venture a good guess that she kicked herself in the butt each time to find that most didn't want her after bedding her. I'm positive of it actually. By her own words to her boy friend about not telling his friends, this girl is embarassed and not at all proud of what she did.

Quote:
The girl likes sex and seems to have a casual approach towards it. That could lead to an interesting and fun relationship. Knowing that, forget the touchy, feeling stage and move forward.
Another crass statement. You are suggesting that because she slept around as a teenager that she doesn't deserve respect and consideration now. That's an awful thing to say. Maybe this girl wants the romance and the "touchy feely stage". I don't see why this guy shouldn't allow her that. To base what someone wants and needs now, on their past is terrible. By suggesting that, you are suggesting that people can't change and that she's the same person today that she was back then.

My suggestion to this couple is to move as slowly as both of them are comfortable with, and for him to not pressure her to "put out".

Last edited by Katyana; 03-09-2004 at 09:53 AM.

 
Old 03-09-2004, 09:59 AM   #8
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Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

I totally agree with Katyana. She took the words right out of my mouth. Her past as no bearing on the present. She's probally learned from the past and wants to take it slow and be respected for who she is,(something she never got before)and she likes you so much that she doesn't want to blow it. Chances are she is nervous about having sex with you also. And I wouldn't worry about the guys before you being better. When you two do have sex,it will be a beautiful thing and not just sex for the sake of sex. That will make it better all by itself.

 
Old 03-09-2004, 10:14 AM   #9
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newlywedgurl HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

I completely agree with fisherwoman and Katyana. Telling you about her past took serious GUTS!!! Not to mention, she was risking exactly what you are doing now....picking apart her past. There are a million reasons why she may have felt not only the need, but also had the ABILITY to share this information with you. For instance, is it likely that you would have heard this information from a "third party?" Maybe she wanted to give you the respect of being able to hear that first hand from her! Everyone has a past......

 
Old 03-09-2004, 12:40 PM   #10
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german30 HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

You know, the past is history, we can't change it, but we can forget it!! It sounds like the both of you are having a wonderful time, why not start your time together today and forget the past!! Good Luck to both of you.
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Old 03-09-2004, 05:22 PM   #11
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Joseph Orion HB User
Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

That's what I was definitely going to do. I just know there is a lot of good advice on this board and I wanted to see what everyone else thought. I've totally fallen for her and I remember after she said that she said "is that ok?" or something to that effect and I totally said it was cool. I'm not "picking apart" her past in no way. I completely accept what has happened and I'm not judging her in any way either. Like I had said, the biggest thing here is the insecurity issue. About worrying about myself. I like her so much and really don't want to disappoint, you know? I'm not trying to hold anything over her head at all because that's not the kind of person I am.

She definitely IS a different person now and I'm not trying to toot my own horn here but I don't think she's really been with someone like me. She told me this past weekend that she's still trying to get used to me being a gentlemen and opening doors and paying for our nights out and stuff. I sent her a dozen roses yesterday with a little note telling her to have a good week and to not stress out and she was really suprised. I want to make her feel like the most important person in the world, and this doesn't mean we have to have sex to do that. I don't know if this is the way to go about it but, I think I'll just pretend that it never happened. True, it's a part of her past but for one, she's not happy with the way she was. And two, she's not that person anymore. I think she wanted me to know what she had done so there's no suprises later and I'm thankful she did that.

In short, the past is truly that and we're having so much fun right now. The present is where it's at

I thank you all for your responses, they really confirmed what I was planning on doing. We all made our mistakes, and sometimes it's best just to forget them.

Thanks again.

 
Old 03-14-2004, 06:47 PM   #12
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Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

I completely agree with Katyana. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, things they are not proud of or would have changed if they could. The fact that she is open and honest with you about them should tell you that you don't have to worry about her cheating on you. You'll know where she stands.

As for the concern that she will compare you to the other men she has been with I wouldn't worry about it. With 4 dozen men the chances are you are a much better lover than many of them. She obviously is interested in you so I doubt she's going to split if your performance doesn't measure up. This isn't a one night stand you're talking about, it's a relationship. She obviously has the experience so she can help you to be the best lover she has ever had if you're open enough to learn.

 
Old 03-17-2004, 11:09 AM   #13
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Re: The Past. Is it just that? Or should I Still Think about it?

Making love is so much better than having sex. Chances are most of the guys she slept with were meaningless flings. When you two are finally together, it'll be so much more special and meaningful because there are feelings involved.
I think she may have told you because after a month she may feel like you are expecting sex from her and she's not ready. Don't pressure her, taking things slowly. What's the rush anyway? When it finally does happen, it'll be worth the wait I'm sure.
She sounds like a great girl who is trying to get her life back in order.

 
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