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Old 03-10-2004, 09:57 PM   #1
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sex with girlfriend isnt happening

i've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years we are both virgins and over 20, and we once tried to have sex and i couldnt get it in her, she would say it hurts or feels uncomfortable, so we stopped, since then we've tried a few more times with the same results, one time i inserted a finger in her and she immediately flew off the bed, i asked her what was wrong and she said it feels uncomfortable, sometimes we try i can feel her legs trembling, she says she wants to have sex with me, and i'm at the point now where i dont even want to bother working up towards it, we have a very good relationship this is my only complaint, and we get tension because of this, i'm so in love with this girl, she really turns me on but this situation has been talked about so much that i dont want to deal with it any longer, and i think she would like that for some reason, some body please give me some advice or something.

 
Old 03-11-2004, 02:08 AM   #2
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Man I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, its gotta be tough on you physically and emotionally. It sounds like she gets really tense and nervous, this will cause her to be very tight there and can really affect things. Its not like she doesn't trust you, this is a long term relationship for sure. I wish I could give you some suggestions that would help. The only thing I can offer is lots of patience, lots of slow and intentional foreplay focused on loosening her up a bit and lubrication. If you love this girl (and it sounds like you do) the challenge is going to be on you to keep working at it and help her through this.

 
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Old 03-11-2004, 08:03 AM   #3
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Some women need to go to the doctor to get their hymen cut. Has she ever had a gyno visit before? Does she have trouble with tampons? Maybe it's not all in her head, some women have really sensitive hymens that are very difficult to break.

 
Old 03-11-2004, 08:53 AM   #4
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

she doesnt use tampons, and yes she goes to the gyno every year, she says that experience is just uncomfortable, so if she's getting tense it probably makes it worse, she doesnt like any kind of pain

 
Old 03-11-2004, 11:05 AM   #5
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Hey bud, don't mean to get too personal and I'm sure not asking you to give specifics. However, if you are larger in size in the penis department that could cause some difficulty here. However, I suspect it is all about her being tense and causing things to be really tight. Be patient, go slowly and keep working at it...if the relationship is good (sounds like it is) please don't let sex mess it up!

 
Old 03-12-2004, 04:52 AM   #6
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Do you know if she has ever been abused or raped? I know after I was raped when I was young, for a long time I couldn't bear to be touched there, even while I was in a relationship with a guy I really cared for. I wanted to have sex, but just couldn't....

 
Old 03-12-2004, 08:42 AM   #7
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Quote:
Originally Posted by devastated
Do you know if she has ever been abused or raped? I know after I was raped when I was young, for a long time I couldn't bear to be touched there, even while I was in a relationship with a guy I really cared for. I wanted to have sex, but just couldn't....
no never abused or anything, we talk freely about stuff like that, she just says she scared of the pain, she tries but no go, i'm not huge average i guess in size.

 
Old 03-12-2004, 12:19 PM   #8
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

she has to get over the pain..tell her the pain isn't forever and just relax and go with the flow

 
Old 03-12-2004, 01:12 PM   #9
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

This is a pretty odd situation, I must say. Although your first time can be painful, I don't think it would be so excrutiating to discontinue trying! Have to tried clitoral stimulation? Oral sex? Extra lube??

 
Old 03-14-2004, 05:46 PM   #10
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Does she stimulate herself at all? If there are no issues with rape to deal with she just needs to learn to feel comfortable with herself and learn to relax. I would suggest that she stimulate herself alone, she can move at her own pace. Once she is comfortable with herself you may want to try sex again. If she still has problem then go back to square one but this time have her let you do the stimulating and tell you how far to go how fast. Eventually she will learn to be comfortable both with the feeling of having something in her vagina and having you present.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-14-2004 at 06:49 PM. Reason: too much how-to

 
Old 03-16-2004, 12:48 PM   #11
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

she does not stimulate herself, she will not let me give her oral sex, she says its disgusting, i have a question, if you go to the gyno for the exam, how do they insert the speculum if your a virgin and have a hymen? she's been to the gyno and had all the tests done, so i'm confused, she is gonna talk to the gyno about this.

 
Old 03-18-2004, 12:27 AM   #12
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

Quote:
Originally Posted by zdude
she does not stimulate herself, she will not let me give her oral sex, she says its disgusting, i have a question, if you go to the gyno for the exam, how do they insert the speculum if your a virgin and have a hymen? she's been to the gyno and had all the tests done, so i'm confused, she is gonna talk to the gyno about this.
She needs to start stimulating herself, does she masturbate at all? She should start with just stimulating the outside area and when she is comfortable, try inserting her own finger in since it will be a lot smaller than yours. If she can get confortable with doing this after some time, then move onto you trying just your pinky finger. Then you will at least be making some progress. After that just gradually move on to say your middle finger etc to try to widen her a bit. This will be a lot less painful than just trying to put your penis in. It could take a few months.

 
Old 03-18-2004, 11:09 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zdude
she does not stimulate herself, she will not let me give her oral sex, she says its disgusting
Don't want to over-simplify here, but that reads to me like a major part of her problem. That is (IMO) a pretty unhealthy attitude towards 2 examples of normal sexual behaviour. She may have emotional issues/hang-ups and looking for a physical solution might not be the way to go.

 
Old 03-24-2004, 02:34 AM   #14
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

She needs major counselling now, I mean yesterday! She is working through some serioius vaginissimis.......inability to have intercourse......sounds like she has been sexually abused to me.

Treat her gently, but be firm about your own needs, no pun intended. You need sex. She can at least let you masturbate to porn, I hope? Or are you supposed to just sit around waiting?

Man its a tough one. She needs counselling and you both need to go cause its a couples thing and thats how it works.

Good luck........

 
Old 03-25-2004, 11:35 AM   #15
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Re: sex with girlfriend isnt happening

I have heard about this happening with people who are very religious and becuase of their belief system they tense up to the point of no entry. I think that because she is SO uncomfortable (seemingly with anything below the neck, waist?) that this is a possibility. It is actually a disorder with a name and not always associated with religion. Maybe try some searches online.
My only other suggestion is to check out the sexuality section at your local book store. Maybe there are some books on this topic (there are some great books on sex in general) that will make her more comfortable with the idea of sex. It is strange that she thinks those 2 behaviors are disgusting, when actually the opposite is true. They are totally normal. Otherwise clitoral stimulation (with your finger or hers) is a great place to start, it's where most of the action happens for females anyway and would maybe relax her.

 
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