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Old 03-15-2004, 12:43 PM   #1
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not again

if you want to read the start of my story just go to the tired of insecurities post...

this weekend i was taking a nap on the couch and when i woke up and looked at the computer i saw hubby looking at an e mail...when he saw me looking he shut it out...i also saw in his e mail that he had gone into ones about porno and dating services...

we argued, but i let it go after that cause i wanted to spend a good weekend with him...

when he went to work today i did some sluething...you know how you go to the url and type [url]www.a[/url] [url]www.b[/url] [url]www.c[/url] etc, everything you've been to shows up....well, i found a bunch of porno websites, but we had been having some problems with spyware pop ups recently and i let it go since it was only the one url....

except for one...it was an adult finder website and there were three listings for it in our url...and one of them was for finding women in south carolina (where we live)....and this leads me to believe that he was browsing around in this dating website....

what do i do? every time he does this type of stuff, he swears he will never do it again...he's never been to a dating site before tho, and this one is threatening to me...

i don't know what to believe any more...i love him so much and don't want to leave him, but i'm not sure what to do...i don't think he will ever change if he's done it this many times...

also, where would i go...he's our sole income right now and we are stationed across the country from my friends and family...

i'm confused and hurt...all of his close friends said he would never do anything to hurt me...he seemed like the least likely person to do this...

he'll be home at five and i don't know what will happen then...i have to tell him what i found...i can't stress enough that i don't want to divorce him, but what other options do i have...

help me please...
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Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

 
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Old 03-15-2004, 12:51 PM   #2
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devastated HB User
Re: not again

I went though the same thing with my ex-husband. I didn't mind him looking at porn, but he was also joining dating services, and hooking up with women on the internet and then eventually, he ended up meeting some of them. One of them actually came to my house wanting to move in with him...she sure was surprised when I answered the door! His sob story he used while meeting women on the internet was that I had cheated on him a bunch of times and then left him. Yea, right, I never, ever cheated on him. To make a long story short, he promised he would stop, I would find him doing it again, over and over and over. I finally wised up and realized that he would never change. I divorced him, and it was the best thing I ever did. This was in 1998, and he re-married just a couple months later. His new wife just left him a few months ago for EXACTLY THE SAME THING! go figure...

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:00 PM   #3
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Re: not again

i know i'm not the only one out there...and i'm sorry that this happened to you...

other than this junk, my hubby has been perfect to me...this is really tough on me...i don't think i would ever find anyone that treats me as well as he does...

i just don't know why he does it...i cook for him, do all the cleaning, and i try everything in my power to be the perfect wife...i don't know why he keeps doing these things...it's making me physically sick to my stomache...
__________________
Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:01 PM   #4
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Re: not again

What is SpyWare?

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:05 PM   #5
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Re: not again

Rachel,

Your story tears at my heart. You definately deserve to be treated better than that! I'm not sure what advice to give to you, I guess it depends on how you feel about the relationship and whether it is something you want to try to save or not.

If you want to try to salvage the relationship I would suggest finding out why he is looking for other women on the internet. There is nothing unusual about perfectly happily married men looking at porn on the internet but this is not the usual circumstance. He is obviously looking around for someone to cheat with if he hasn't been already. If you can understand what is driving him to do this maybe it's something that the two of you can work on together. I would not put up with that if he is not willing to stop looking for women online though. You are worth more than that, you deserve more than that.

*hugs*

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:08 PM   #6
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Re: not again

Originally posted by KimRick
Quote:
What is SpyWare?
Spyware is software on your computer that monitors either webpages you visit or allows the virus creator to have read access to your computer. Many spyware viruses come from executables downloaded from pornographic websites.

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:20 PM   #7
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Re: not again

i'm honestly not sure why he would want to cheat on me...i give him what he wants in bed, whenever he wants it...

an old roomate of ours told me a few years ago that he thought hubby was cheating on me on the computer, but he wasn't sure...so i put it out of my mind...

hubby has a hard time telling me about these things...i hate that i have to resort to snooping on the computer but look at what i keep finding...he always comes up with interesting stories about the porno stuff, but the multiple url pages for this proves he was doing it...

not only that but i found out on saturday that he had an e mail address i didn't know about...when i brought it up, he claimed that he set the address up right in front of me....

i honestly would like to get into this e mail to see if i can find out anything more, but i don't know the password...but i guess i don't need it though...i already have proof that he's at dating websites...

and btw, all the urls i said found...well, some of them were for dating services too but it looks like he didn't go farther than the homepage...that's why i dismissed it as spyware...but the one thing i can't dismiss...
__________________
Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:38 PM   #8
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Re: not again

i forgot to add a few things...my hubby doesn't know much about computers and i don't think he knows that stuff shows up on the url...i didn't tell him before for a reason...of course, i have to tell him today, but maybe that will keep him from doing things cause i don't think there is a way to delete the url...it just disappears after a while...and i check it every few days...

as for cheating outside the home, i don't think it will happen...right now, i know his exact hours at work and we run all errands together so he doesn't get to just go out on his own...plus, he doesn't know anybody here, so he doesn't go out without me...

here shortly too, i will be working, so i will be the one taking him to and from work...

i really want to save my marraige...he's been a great husband...i just think he has a problem...not even his closest friends know about this, so i think it's something he's hiding from everyone...

i'm going to try and convince him to get us marraige councelling...i don't know any other way he can show that he wants us to stay together...

he doesn't like to talk about his feelings so this will be tough trying to get the truth out of him when he gets home...i know the truth will be better than him lying to me when i know the truth...

he'll be home in half an hour and we'll see what happens then...one of my good friends is keeping her phone on her all night in case anything happens...im not worried about him hitting me or anything...i just might need somebody to talk to...
__________________
Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

 
Old 03-15-2004, 01:52 PM   #9
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antares_wish HB User
Re: not again

I don't know that I would be so quick to chalk the dating sites up to spyware. The fact that he is hiding it from you and the dating sites were in your area are signals too strong to ignore. The biggest obsticle I can see to resolving this issue is the fact that he keeps hiding it from you and lying about it. He needs to come clean and be honest if there is a chance for it to work out. Admitting he has a problem is the first step. Hopefully someone reading this post will have some ideas to help you do that, I'm not really sure of a good way that won't lead to an unproductive fight to be honest. If you can get him to admit that he has a problem then you have a chance. At that point the two of you should be able to work things out with a marriage counselor.

As for the friend saying that he thought your husband was cheating on you with the computer I'm assuming he meant cyber sex? That is a pretty common thing, some people view it as cheating others do not. I'm on the fence on that issue, I guess it depends on whether the real couple are both ok with it and know about it. It's not something that I think I could do and not feel guilty about but other people will tell you differently.

Last edited by antares_wish; 03-15-2004 at 01:57 PM.

 
Old 03-15-2004, 03:59 PM   #10
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You are in a terrible position. You have my sympathies...

As for what to do, counseling might be your only choice because the other options don't look so good (1. accept it; 2. leave him; 3. wait for him to change)

His behavior is putting your marriage in serious jeopardy and he needs to get counseling. He needs to realize what he is doing is very destructive to a marriage.

btw, since he isn't very computer savvy, maybe you should make sure he's actually guilty of this before you confront him. Set something up to track his internet use, make sure he's actually visiting those sites. If he tries to lie his way out of it you have to be prepared to show proof.

 
Old 03-15-2004, 04:05 PM   #11
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antares_wish HB User
Re: not again

Sounds like she's already got the proof to confront him with. She has the internet history, granted he could lie and say that they were popups but it's a start. I suppose she could buy a keylogger program. They track every keystroke made on the keyboard so she would see any text he typed, with that she would know what URLs he went to intentionally, contents of e-mail and login passwords. I would not ******** a keylogger, they are a major security risk and the chances are it's a trojan horse. You can buy legitimate keyloggers at your local computer store without worry that they will send any information to a 3rd party.

I feel really leary giving this kind of advice. It's really hard to advise someone to treat mistrust and deception with more mistrust and deception. That can push the relationship farther apart. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor on your own initially to find out how best to confront him with this problem and get him to face it so you can deal with it together.

Last edited by antares_wish; 03-15-2004 at 04:10 PM.

 
Old 03-15-2004, 05:20 PM   #12
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Katyana HB User
Re: not again

Quote:
Originally Posted by villagegal68455

this weekend i was taking a nap on the couch and when i woke up and looked at the computer i saw hubby looking at an e mail...when he saw me looking he shut it out...i also saw in his e mail that he had gone into ones about porno and dating services...

we argued, but i let it go after that cause i wanted to spend a good weekend with him...

when he went to work today i did some sluething...you know how you go to the url and type [url]www.a[/url] [url]www.b[/url] [url]www.c[/url] etc, everything you've been to shows up....well, i found a bunch of porno websites, but we had been having some problems with spyware pop ups recently and i let it go since it was only the one url....

except for one...it was an adult finder website and there were three listings for it in our url...and one of them was for finding women in south carolina (where we live)....and this leads me to believe that he was browsing around in this dating website....

what do i do? every time he does this type of stuff, he swears he will never do it again...he's never been to a dating site before tho, and this one is threatening to me...

i don't know what to believe any more...i love him so much and don't want to leave him, but i'm not sure what to do...i don't think he will ever change if he's done it this many times...

also, where would i go...he's our sole income right now and we are stationed across the country from my friends and family...

i'm confused and hurt...all of his close friends said he would never do anything to hurt me...he seemed like the least likely person to do this...

he'll be home at five and i don't know what will happen then...i have to tell him what i found...i can't stress enough that i don't want to divorce him, but what other options do i have...

help me please...
It sounds to me like he's done things in the past to give you cause to disbelieve him this time around too.

I have to ask you something. You obviously don't trust the man and are suspicious of his behaviour. Why stay with him? Without trust there is no relationship. You say you don't want to divorce him? I have to ask you why you stay given the fact that you don't trust him to be faithful to you?

Looking at porn sites or X Rated movies is not a problem, and there is no need for jealousy in that regard, at least in my opinion. However, if the guy is posting on people finding agencies and communicating with women in the area through these services, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

My personal philosophy is that I'd rather be happy and alone, than miserable and with someone. Staying with someone out of habit is a pretty poor reason to be with that person.

If you are so suspicious of him, then leave. So what if you are across the country from your family. I'm sure you have friends to stay with in the area, or even confide in your family that you and he are having troubles and you would like to move home for awhile. I'm sure your parents would help you with the airfare.

 
Old 03-15-2004, 07:15 PM   #13
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Re: not again

I agree that without trust the relationship has no hope, however if she really loves him and wants to make it work I believe trust can be rebuilt. It's just a matter of does she feel it's worth it? Gaining full trust from a partner that has cheated on you in the past will be an extremely difficult task. It is likely that there will always be a seed of doubt, wondering why he came home late this time or if some seemingly innocent smile to a lady on the street is something more. Trust is as strong as a mountain and as delicate as glass. It can be put back together but filling in the cracks so they do not show takes a lot of time, patience and work.

Like I said in a previous post though, if he refuses to come clean and work towards rebuilding that trust then I would agree wholeheartedly with Katyana. You shouldn't feel guilty about divorcing him if that's what you decide. He promised to stay faithful to you until death do you part. He didn't keep up his part of the bargain. You didn't deserve that.

Last edited by antares_wish; 03-15-2004 at 07:29 PM.

 
Old 03-15-2004, 09:33 PM   #14
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Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
Re: not again

How much do you know about computers?

I haven't read your previous post but rather than typing [url]www.a[/url], [url]www.b[/url] etc.
Just hit "Ctrl H" and bring up the history of where he has been on the internet. This works on both Netscape and Internet Explorer.

You can also look at the cache file but the Ctrl H should get you everything you need to know.

Not all spyware is a form of a virus. If you want to scan your computer for spryware, there are several good programs out there that will identify and remove them. The one I use is called Ad-aware by a company called Lavasoft. They have a free version and does the job very well. If you have never scanned your computer for spyware, you are going to be suprised by the results.



Hoop

Last edited by Hoop; 03-15-2004 at 09:56 PM.

 
Old 03-16-2004, 04:24 AM   #15
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villagegal68455 HB User
Re: not again

hoop,
yes, i have something now for our spyware...so that can no longer be used as an excuse...i know how to use the history...but that can be deleted...the urls can't...

anyhow, i guess you are all wondering how yesterday went...all thru my talk with hubby i stayed calm and not accusing...i knew if i did that then he would get defensive and not talk about it...

i explained to him how i found what i found and i explained that he can delete the history all he wants but i can still track him in the url...

he knows now by the hurt in my voice that going to dating sites will only kill our marraige...

i need to explain something tho...after i was on here yesterday i actually went to the homepage of the dating site that he was on (the other 2 on the url were indeed pop ups cause they happened when i was on the computer)...anyhow, this site looked like a porno site and not a dating service...it says to enter your state to gain access to the site...which i did...it led me to this webpage with all these links for men looking for men, men looking for women, etc...that's the same page hubby was directed to...and he didn't get any farther in the url...so that relieved me a bit...i'm not trying to make excuses for him though...

i know we need some form of marraige councelling cause not all of this is his doing...im a very jealous person and i forbid him to go to porno websites...i know that is not right cause happily married men do it...it's just a guy thing...and i want to work on not getting jealous about it...i don't want a porno website to ruin our marraige...he does need to work on not doing these things to hurt me though...

no, i'm not going to just up and divorce him...i think it's wrong to do that...would somebody up and divorce an alcoholic cause he was having a hard time staying sober...no, most would give them a chance to try and change...

i did tell hubby though, that if he never changes, then i will leave...i already have somewhere to go if i need to...but no, i dont have any friends here...the military keeps moving us around the country so i don't have friends here yet...

i think i will look for some sort of key logger program though...the reason being is based on trust...right now, i won't believe anything he says even if he is telling the truth...and that will make it impossible to build trust...so i will find a keylogger thing to watch over him as reassurance...and over time i can build this trust back up...

this marraige really is worth salvaging...i had him in tears last night when i was talking about life without us together...every couple has issues and i want to work on mine instead of running right away...

i hope i've made the right choice, but any suggestions on the situation is still helpful...
__________________
Rachel Leigh
Proud Wife of Airman Wentler
"To really live, you must nearly die"-author unknown
April-may you always dance with the angels above

 
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